# ...and a dead cat on the doorstep
My journal of our Peace Corp adventure from 1982 to 1984
# Introduction
What this represents is the journal I wrote while we were in the Peace Corps from October 25th, 1982 until December 1984. Originally I was just going to scan and present the actual written pages but after checking what the scanned PDF's would look like, I decided I would transcribe them for easier reading. HOWEVER, my plan is to retain the misspellings, the poor grammar and syntax which might drive the real authors among you to squirm a bit, but I decided to stick with the plan as is.
**\[DISCLAIMER\]** There are biased and racist views expressed here. It was tough to go back and reflect on the mindset of myself as a mid-twenty-something. I was from a white, middle class background and from a state that had few, if any, black people that I was in daily contact with. I was, in short, a racist. I don't like that. I hope that I have grown more wise and measured in my views but this is my journey and journal in the Peace Corps. There was a lot of growing up going on. I hope I don't offend you but if I do, please forgive me. The views here have been (mostly) outgrown.
I haven't enabled comments or ratings on the pages, but I might at some point do that.
I knew this date was coming for years and always planned to transcribe and present the journal, but as most plans go, the date approached while I was busy with life. I'll try to keep up going forward.
**An additional note:**
The title comes from an early experience I had when we had moved into our own cottage. Culture shock was peaking, Debbie and I had both, at different times, wanted to pack up and leave. One afternoon, after a particularly difficult day, I walked back to the cottage and saw what looked to be a cat spread out on the front step. The cat failed to move as I approached and it actually looked like it had been severely burned. Since it didn't move I assumed it was dead. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "Great, even a dead cat on the doorstep to make my day complete!". Amazingly, the cat jumped up and slowly limped away, one leg was burned and stiff. The cat walked in a way that was reminiscent of Ahab in "Moby Dick". So, we named the cat Ahab. I didn't expect Ahab to live. The burns looked too severe and I expected some dog on the island would catch this injured cat. But, somehow Ahab managed to survive the injury and the environment and Ahab was a regular camper on our doorstep. Ahab never allowed us to get close, or feed him but he hung out at our cottage during the two years we lived in St. Vincent. Ahab, in some ways, was a representation of both the struggle and the success of our Peace Corps life.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/image.png)
# The beginning
We ended up in the Caribbean but the journey wasn't smooth
# Oct 26 1982
Just got back from the clinic. Funny how its been what I have dreaded and hoped for for these last 5 months. But it wasn’t bad at all. Typhoid, Diptheria, Tenanus, polio and (last, but certainly not the least) yellow fever innoculations this morning given to use by Barbara the Health rep from Washington, D.C. She’s a good lady who firmly told us that if we did not show up oon time, the useful life of the Yellow Fever innoculation would expire and someone (who did not make it on time) would also expire as a volunteer. She only had this one batch and after it was mixed she had one hour to innoculate all 77 of us. Deb and I were 3rd and 4th in line. We wanted to get it over with so we could get to the bank and cash our checks. I want to go on, but this journal should have been started 5 months ago. So I am going to back up and highlight some of the reasons and steps it took to join the Peace Corps.
Peace Corps was just another another option is a whole list of where do we go from here? Possibilities. Debbie and I were soon to graduate from the University of Utah and being newlyweds (6 mos) and childless we were anxious to explore those possibilities before getting tied down in the usual 9-5 workday life that most people expect and accept as 'proper'. However, Deb & I felt most blessed by God in having those diplomas, good health, a house, two cars, etc. etc. We realized that there much more to the world than the Salt Lake Area could contribute and, that if we were ever to do something slightly adventurous in our need to share our blessings we’d darn well better do it now.
So, out of the other possibilities of Lutheran World Mission, traditional employment or just following Debbies Physical Therapy skills to wherever they would take us, the Peace Corps called us back. They were interested and they wanted to interview use as soon as possible. Problem was that Deb was in Indiana on a PT affiliation for 5 weeks. So I called the recruitment Rep (Dick Arent) and told him to give us a call the Monday after Deb got home.
He did call and after two hours of trying to generate sincere and well-thought-out answers, Deb and I were nominated to the Peace Corps Eastern Caribbean program. Whew! Step one was complete. Except one thing. We weren’t sure what we’d be doing. First I was considered the primary person in our placement. “Well, no we don’t really need personnel types but your background is technical so you can teach math”. Then Debbie’s Physical Therapy prevailed, as I knew it would, and I became the “non-matrixed spouse”. (They knew I was part of the package but didn’t know what to do with me.) But they’d have something for me by the time we got to the islands.
Step two was a bit more complex and about twenty times more frustrating than being nominated for a program. But, knowing that the U.S. Government thrives on paper and given the seemingly endless forms that needed to be filled outto just apply for the Peace Corps, I shouldn’t have been surprized at the paperwork which followed our nomination.
It began with our “medical kit” which followed the letter stating “you should have received your medical kit in the mail, if you have not…” A few phone calls and the kits were there within a week. We were “under the gun” though. Close of invitation (the date by which we had to have all of our information in) was Aug. We needed to get all the Medical and Dental exams completed by that date and if you’ve ever tried to get in to see a doctor for a non-emergency, routine physical exam in less than three weeks, you can imagine our apprehension. The dental exam was easier but much more expensive. Peace Corps pays for the exam and x-rays but will not pay for treatments. So $250 later we had our Dental clearance. The Physical was a bit more tricky to schedual, was cheaper but almost lost the invitation for us. Peace Corps pays for the exam and x-rays or you can go to a Gov’t military installation for free. We opted for the latter and anyone who has experienced the assembly line, de-humanizing physicals the army performs will identify with our Sunday morning ordeal. The biggest dissapointment they we had was that, upon inspecting the form, we found several important items could not be handled there. Most notably, uranalisis and pelvic exams (for Deb). With a vacation a day away and the deadline falling on a day on which we would be in Minnesota, Deb’s results were still somewhere in California and my “sample” was dropped off at a friends house (who happened to be a Med. Tech) My friend, Kay, would drop off my results to my pastor, who would pick up Debbies results at Planned Parenthood and put it all in the mail(in a $9.50 express package) which would immediately whisk it to Washington. With that done, Deb and I took off on our “tour” to see relatives we would not see for two years while in the P.C. and just to relax and wait to hear the “Big News”.
I called Pastor Paul on Tuesday. “Yes” he said “its all in the mail. I mailed it last night at 5pm. Should be in Washington this morning if the guarantee is true”. “Great!” I said. I’ll call them tomorrow (just to be on the safe side) that would be Wednesday and give them ‘til Sunday which would be plenty of time to evaluate us and clear us for an invitation. So Weds morning I called Washington. “No” the voice tolled “we don’t have it. Could be its stuck in the mail room” I explained to him that it was sent to the office direct by express mail and that it should circumvent the mail room. Besides, it was guaranteed. “Well” he replied “nothing was guaranteed”. He went on to explain that the mail, even if sent direct, usually got sent back to the mail room. So even if it did arrive on Tuesday, it wouldn’t escape the mail room until Thursday earliest. “Wonderful” I said and hung up. My $9.50 had bought me no time. I’d call ‘em on Thursday.
Thursday produced similar results but Friday the tardy package arrived. “Great” I yelled into the phone. “So we made it on time?” “Well,” the voice disinterestedly drolled “we’ve got it but we’re so backlogged that I really doubt we’ll get to see it. Maybe Monday” “But my close of invitation is on Sunday” I nearly screamed into the phone. “Sorry, it’s the best I can do”. The phone went dead and so did my dreams of becoming a volunteer.
By Tuesday of the next week they still hadn’t looked at it. We called them from a phone booth near Bismark, North Dakota. My recruiting rep couldn’t be reached. It was a long drive back to Salt Lake City.
Thursday I got a hold of Rick, my recruiter. He was sorry to put me through it all but he had made a mistake when he had told me the close of invitation date. We still had three weeks before our paperwork was due in. “The bright side of all of this” he explained “is that your stuff is in early so you’ll have an advantage over other nominees”. I didn’t know whether to kiss him or punch him in the face. Step two was done.
The day after close of invitation I called Washington. Yes they said they were happy to tell me that my wife and I were nominated to the Eastern Caribbean program and were to report for staging in Miami on Oct 25th. And so step three began.
We closed on the sale of our house (a risky two months before we even heard about our invitation. We had sold the house to close on Oct 1st) and moved the non-necessities into storage. Notices of our termination went to our employers and we moved in with my parents for the interim. Suddenly this Peace Corps thing was becoming real. We had a thousand things to complete in the three weeks before we left. Power of Attorney to grant, bills to pay, a car to sell, things to pack and store, mailing lists to update. It was nearly endless. The final two days were spent just packing & organizing and trying to be with my family as much as possible. An early Christmas was held and we were given more things to pack and after a very very tearful parting, we were on the plane for Chicago to spend an evening with more of my relatives before flying to Miami the next day.
When we arrived in Miami we began to notice those around us who had that “volunteer look”. Tired confused but happy and looking positive. Several busloads departed for the hotel where we were staying and we met several volunteers on our own very slow bus to hotel. The 20 min trip took an hour and a half and we arrived 15 minutes before the first meeting at 3pm. Barely enough time to check in and drop off our large volume of baggage.
The meeting was a revalation that I’m still trying to assimilate. I was surprized not only at the diversity of backgrounds (which I expected) but also the the ages of the volunteers. It ran from 22 to 78. With a larger number of couples (like Deb and I) than I imagined. Even a couple that had been married a week! But it was an interesting afternoon & evening. It calmed some fears & answered some questions. Exausted, we went to be at 9pm.
Which brings us back to date. My arm is sore from the shots and writing. More later.
# Oct 29, 1982
Things have been moving rather rapidly around here. The two additional days of comprehensive staging here have come and gone. Wednesday was filled with last minute paperwork. Legal hassels, even the most minor traffic violation or unpaid parking ticket, must be taken care of or you can't go. Your NAC (National Agency Check) must be complete or you can't go. If you use drugs you're terminated. If you ride a motorcycle without a helmet, you're terminated. Seems like either you can't go or you will be terminated are the two most often used threats against a volunteer. Seems to work. All of us have been OK'd for Jamaica, save one. Mary.
Mary was a true, strong-willed, stubborn, chain smoking Californian. She must have be about 60 plus years old (although certainly not the eldest). Apparently she was an art major and potter. She had been brought on board because she was to teach pottery skills to locals on the islands. We were having a discussion on culture and, in particular, on local dress when Mary brought up a question on wearing pants. "Well, yes, pants were permissable on women in certain situations" but she could be required to wear a skirt or dress n other circumstances. Apparently Mary's sense of personal freedom was offended and she was agast at the possibility of wearing a dress, for the next day she was no longer attending our meetings. Mary was gone back to California. Flexibility and willingness to adapt to local custom being key traits of a successful volunteer.
Mary's reluctance to give up some of her freedom really pointed up our eager pursuit of bondage. We would give up some of our 1st Amendment rights. Rights to talk politics and religion, with the intent of conversion at least. We always had to provide a disclaimer that it was our opinion and not that of the U.S. Government. We could not involve ourselves in local politics for fear of being interpreted as U.S. foreign policy. We were all required to give up something. Mary was an extreme in inflexibility but a valuable lesson to us all!
With paranoia at going the 'way of Mary', we boarded the plane to Jamaica with as open and flexible attitude as we could muster.
# Oct 31 1982
Jamaica was at first, just what I knew it would be: Hot, humid and sunny with showers off and on. Island paradise actually on the surface it was all I knew it would be. I was anxious about what the below-the-surface look would reveal.
My first peek as an eye opener. What it revealed was an obsession with the U.S. currency. The person to approach me first was a lanky Jamaican with an enormous hat on his head. (rostahfarian) He was offering 2:1 for U.S. dollars. Another volunteer was offered 3:1. Our trainers, after giving us a talk on black market tactics and cautions proceeded to offer us 2:1. U.S. currency is very precious to Jamaicans who wish to travel or purchase goods in the U.S.
# Nov 1
I was talking about money & currency because I didn't have the energy. Energy is hard to come by also. Whether it be personal energy or public energy. The heat seems to sap you of all strength. It also prevents me from moving because to move generates discomfort. I've been uncomfortable alot lately. The mosquitos seem to come in clouds, the humidity must be 90% and the dogs bark continuously after sundown. Of those things most often mentioned by volunteers it must be the mosquitos, dogs and heat. The heat is an expectation. The humidity also, but the mosquitos are much more fierce than anticipated and the constantly barking dogs are a true surprize. The family that Deb & I stay with has 6 dogs and the probability that one or more of six dogs will bark for 10 mins at least once an hour must be close to 100%. Of all the nights spent here in Jamaica, not one has been without a barking dog or 10. Seems to me that they should eat dogs. It would cut down on the noise and increase the meat supply.
# Nov 2
Dogs and more dogs. And things are mellowing a bit. I should say something about our "host" family. Joan is the head of the household and has a daughter Qun (Kwan). Qun is sixteen. Joan also has a sister who lives in. Her name is Angela. Now, of all of them, Angela is the most open & friendly (at least initially) Deb & I went to church last Sunday with Joan and Qun (Angela doesn't go, she is kind of a renegade). Anyway, Joan had said that the service was loud and long. The church's name was "Miracle Church of God" The miracle was that we survived.
Initially it was just the discomfort of being the only white faces in a sea of black. The songs were different and sung in the style of "Southern Baptist" tradition of loud, hand clappin, foot stompin' music. However, as time went on, Deb and I realized that there was more to this church than it's music. People were soon jumping and yelling. Speaking in tongues and rolling on the floor It was really quite a display. The service ended two and a half hours after its beginning. We'll try the community church next week. It, at least, sounds safer.
The training in Sligoville is OK. Not great, just OK. There is a great deal of morale problem. The objectives are not real clear. The presentation is a bit too cold and mechanical. A lot of attention is paid to process but on a rather superficial level. The morale problem should have surfaced by now but the trainers are either unaware or not interested. I don't know. But there is a lot of talk of dropping a "bomb" on them.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-community-meeting-sligoville.JPG)
All the trainers are quite friendly and for the most part understandable (I find most Jamaicans unintelligible but I'm getting better). Rudy is the most interesting character. He's the only American (though he's black) and I'm glad to listen to him speak with a rather thick American accent. With a full beard and graying afro he is supposedly the most "radical" looking of the bunch. Sensitive and direct, Rudy is my most favorite trainer though he rarely deals with us directly. Winston is the eldest of the staff and his "Queens English" impeccable. Winston used to work for the Ministry of Agriculture before joining CHP. He is a wise, gentle man whos words carry great weight. Especially among "hard core" AG's. Wish I was involved with agriculture projects. I may yet be.
# Nov 7th
Went to church today at the Anglican church. 7Am is a bit early to be wanderin around Spanish Town but the service was familiar enough to be worth it. It was nothing like last Sunday.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-anglican-church-spanish-town.JPG)
Went to Ocho Rios yesterday. It was really quite a shock. Ocho Rios is such a pretty area. It was difficult to get used to seeing so many different white faces. I honestly had not seen another white person (outside of the PC trainees) for a couple of weeks. They all looked so awkward and bizarre looking in their tourist get ups. Everything was so expensive. The worst part was the beggars & locals asking (repeatedly) if we had money to change or if we wanted to buy sinsemilla. It was not only the request but the frequency of it that bothered me. I got very tired saying "No". The worst thing is the guilt as if I should be guilty for being American. Sometimes, I think I should.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-pete-and-deb-in-ocho-rios.JPG)
For the first time, and probably not the last, I've been having a homesick/wanting-to-leave feeling. Culturally, I'm feeling much better. At first the "black faces" made me uncomfortable. But the trips into the market & streets of Spanish Town have quelled most of my discomfort. I'm still not as assertive as I would be with white people, but I'm working on it. My biggest complaint is with the climate. I have been plagued with mosquito bites and sweated many a nite away, wrapped in sheets trying to keep from being bit. The fan in our room has removed some of the discomforts from both sources but, when I think about the house we'll have on our island my outlook is not so gloomy. We brought enough netting to do ten or more windows (if necessary) And I guess I'm more interested in getting settled in than anything else. I want a place of my own again. I can then start to deal with the elements.
The only cultural surprise in Ocho Rios was the discovery of "nudity" here in Jamaica. Actually it could be termed a lack of modesty (in U.S. terms) when showering. On several occations I observed women bare breasted and washing in the public showers. I was quite taken aback and surprised to have no mention of it in our training. Everyday has been quite an experience.
# Nov 9, 1982
The ride up to the training center is quite an experience. The road between Spanish Town & Sligoville is not necessarily in bad shape, but rather it is its narrow design and tortuous route, which it winds up the mountain to Sligoville, Traffic is not very heavy, yet each ride is a new experience in anxiety. More so for the trip down than during the trip up. The vehicle is so busy trying to stay on the road while we wind past the myriad of pedestrians that each time that an oncoming vehicle is encountered the word fear is given a whole new meaning. Fortunately we've had no mishaps, yet.
The training center itself is a thing of beauty. It is pearched atop a hill (mountain) )which overlooks Kingston and Spanish Town. With the recent rains and cool weather, fog & clouds, often partly obscure the towns & gives a translucent, surrealistic look. It reminds me very much of Salt Lake. It doesn't do much to relieve my homesickness.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-pcv-traininees.JPG)
The homesickness comes and goes. When the mosquitos are biting, the heat and high humidity high, the dogs yowling at night, I remember the cool, clean quite dry climate of SLC. After living through a hot summer and feel the cool, colorful beginnings of fall just to be plunged into a hot summer again (which is cooler now) is a bit of an environmental shock. My initial reaction was to go home. I have since mellowed, I'd like to go home as soon as practical. Next X-mas seems much too long, but it will go fast. I just hope we can get the money together.
The training pushes on. It's now week #2 and, with all of our anxieties expressed, we've settled in for the long haul. We continue to be decadent Americans. Constantly planning parties and trips to tourist areas. The Jamaica World Music Festival is coming up in two weeks and several trainees are planning to go to Montego Bays to join in the festivities. The biggest problem is that the American Embassy is having its Thanksgiving Day celebration the same day. We're supposed to be there. Deb and I have volunteered to do some cooking for one of the 20 turkeys. Wow! After so much turkey before I left the states, I thought I'd never want to eat it again...I was wrong.
# Nov 12 1982
Even though we learn more & more each day, it becomes less and less distinct from the rest of our experiences. We've adjusted to Jamaican life. At least to where the surroundings & people aren't a constant surprize. Perhaps it is just due to the constant assault of our new experiences. We're just overloaded.
The training routine has become somewhat tedious. Some of the info is new. Some I've seen before. Combine that with anxiety about getting "in country" and you have a general restlessness.
# Nov 13 1982
That restlessness is tempered somewhat by excursions into the countryside. Today Deb & I (with Julie and Dan) went to Port Antonio as much to see more of Jamaica as it was to get away from the dogs and pressures of staying at the Waugh's. Unfortunately, they have dogs in Port Antonio too. Some right behind the Montevin Lodge. I'm hopng the dogs are better behaved.
The trip was as eventful as I expected. A well packed standing room only crowd on the way to Kingston "step forward please". Then a 45 minute swelter in a minibus as it was packed for departure. As we waited we were assaulted with a continuous line of vendors hawking everything from Wrigleys chewing gum to sensemilla.
Finally, when the driver decided we were "well-done", he proceeded on through the streets of Kingston. Through the thriving sidewalk markets over the potholes and down one way streets (the wrong way). We were on our way to Hope Bay. The drive was as uneventful (in Jamaican terms) as most rides are here. Except for an encounter with a similar sized bus heading the opposite direction at a very narrow sections of the road, at which the drive exchanged words and it retreated, the trip was fine.
We arrived at Hope Bay about a ½ mile past the point at which we needed to get off. Hope Bay is a small village situated between an extinct volcano and the ocean. The condition of the town was typical of most small, rural Jamaican villages. Everything seems to have been built 40 years ago. There are very few "new" buildings. Most look recycled. The guest house we sought turned out to be a bit more isolated than we wished. Though it looked in relatively good condition. So we packed ourselves into a VW microbus (very suspicious looking) and proceeded into Port Antonio.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-port-antonio-seaside.JPG)
Our first encounter was with Benjamin, a local who offered his escort services (for a fee). After assuring him of his worthiness and our poverty, we set out for the Montevin Lodge to set up for our overnight retreat.
# Nov 17 1982
The weekend in Port Antonio was well worth the time and expense. The night was cool and very quiet. No dogs no hassles. It was wonderful. In addition, we had a chance to take some relaxing walks with few solicitations to buy Ganja or change U.S. dollars. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-port-antonio.JPG)I was very glad we went. I was well rested upon our return. The freq. headaches I had experienced due to lack of sleep (canine induced insomnia) have temporarily disappeared. A mid-training break, well needed.
I'm still not feeling this terrible culture shock I've been anticipating and which has been alluded to in training. Whatever it is, it must be more than just adjusting to food, barking dogs, packed buses the general runnings of this place. If it is more, I am not seeing it. I guess that worries me.
Today we went to UWI to check it out and do some research. Deb went to the hospital then to the PT school. I wandered around campus and went to the library. I'll be going back next week. The most anticipated activity was the afternoon relaxation at the New Kingston Hotel. A little swimming, a few drinks and finally, a pizza for dinner. Its just what I needed to shake off the hot, sweaty, dirty bus rides around. A bit of decadence isn't all that bad. Besides, we found out its only $98 Jai to stay the night. We'll be back next weekend (turkey day) and stay! Hot water and A/C just one more time.
# Nov 21 1982
It's peculiar how I've been preoccupied with enjoying "the comforts of life". I'm afraid its culture shock but not quite the kind I had expected. I had guessed, perhaps wrongly, the I would be overwhelmed by how different the Jamaican and the E.C. culture would be. The shock would be in the obvious dis-similarities in lifestyle. Thats definitely not true. The shock is in the subtle differences between the U.S. & E.C. Singly, the differences are not much to sneeze at. But when taken as a whole, its almost too much to deal with. Our need to escape to a lifestyle more "compatible" with our histories, is an indication that we are suffering from culture shock. We tired of living with and indifferent family who doesn't talk to us, tired of being called Jake. Tired of being asked to buy sensimilla or cocaine. I could go on but suffice it to say that we are tired of dealing with those things which go with living as an expatriot in the E.C. Thats the culture shock. It's not the differences that burns you out. Its a very insideous kind of "shock".
Well, anyway, Deb and I are at that point. Where it almost seems easier to go home rather than to stay. Where having to deal with it is much harder than to escape from it. Our host family situation plus our homesickness is enough to break the camels back, almost. I'm not quite sure why we haven't decided to go home. Perhaps its because we hope things will improve when we get in country. Perhaps its because we know that its and expectation that, from time to time, we'll suffer from culture shock. Its all part of the job, the experience called Peace Corps. Mostly, its the knowledge that whatever the reason for joining the Peace Corps, it must've been of greater weight than a few mosquitos & a bunch of barking dogs. At least, thats what I feel now. In the midst of a pack of barking, flea bitten mongrels, its a completely different story.
Needless to say, I am anxious to find "home" in St Lucia, St Vincent, St Anywhere. We have 9 days left. About 7 too many but sooner than I'll know we;ll be sworn in in Barbados and packed off to our respective islands.
# Nov 24 1982
Well, I successfully passed my 27th birthday without complications. We had a morning at the UWI and spent the afternoon at the New Kingston Hotel. If it wasn't for this flu bug I've had for two days, it would have been a perfect day. How many birthdays will I spend lounging poolside in Jamaica. The answer to that was reason enough to count my blessing for the day. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-poolside-in-kingston.JPG)Besides with Deb there & a bunch of other trainees (who bought me a drink) it was a very good time. I was expecting a great deal of depression in not having family around nor the "usual" trappings of a birthday. Actually the day passed as I wished it to. It wasn't terribly painful.
The realities of the morning kind of cast off any possibility of retaining a celebratory state. Joan was raggin to Debbie about using too small of a load in the washing machine. Heck, short of packing it in with a 2X4, we have been overloading it. I would guess that the light bill came yesterday and Joan hit the ceiling. Shes trying to blame it all on us. We are hardly here at all and only use a fan to keep the mosquitos off. My guess is that it is her tube-jocking daughter who is the culprit. Regardless, I resent this woman for her responsibility shifting. She asked us to stay here. If she can't live with that decision, then she ought to tell Pearl (the placement person) to move us. We wouldn't mind moving. With the "silent" treatment plus the resentful looks and accusatory remarks, we would be glad to move. We've only 7 days left. Its almost a lifetime.
Outside of host family problems, were doing OK. I believe I'm settling in (initially) to the West Indian lifestyle. Granted some things are difficult to deal with, but if I can remove most of the environmental stress (dogs & mosquitos in particular) I believe I can handle the rest.
# Nov 30 (week to date, Embassy & T-Day, Man showin house)
The last day of training! I thought I'd never see the day. I realized I had been quite remiss in keeping up to date in the Journal. A week has passed and I haven't written. First though I need to review the past week to see where I am at. The training for the rest of the last week was uneventful. We've been getting quite restless to finish up and it was quite evident that most of the trainees would've rather been somewhere else.
Somewhere else is where Deb & I went to spend the weekend. We both went down to Kingston to cook for the PC Thanksgiving Day Party. We went on Friday night to begin cooking and by the time we located the P.C. Ofiice, found lodgings for the night and began to prepare food at the Mutual Life Bldg it was 7:30. We only had use of the building until 8:30. So our assistance that evening was short lived.
We stayed at a volunteers house in Kingston. Her name was Jan and her roommate was gone for the weekend & since their place had been broken into on a few occasions she wanted someone to stay with her. Unfortunately, she had a host of other "roommates" which were in the form of small blackish caterpillars similar to inch worms. There were hundreds in the house which made a peculiar "popping" sound when stepped on. They didn't bite. They weren't th eleast bit aggressive yet it was somewhat unsettling to see these minute creatures creeping along the floors and walls. Jan didn't wear shoes which made the popping noises beneath her feet even more distracting. Fortunately the little beasts were quite harmless. Our mosquito netting tucked beneath the mattress provided plenty of protection from the inquisitive creepers. I slept soundly.
The next day proved busy. We spent hours peeling pre-cooked yams which were slimy & difficult to handle. Since I detest yams in general, the task was less than pleasant. Having survived that ordeal, Deb & I retired to the Pegasus where we were to spend the night. After a brief dip in the pool, we cleaned up and went to the dinner. What a feast! Two heaping plates & about a half a pie later I lay satiated watching the talent show and many drunk trainees stagger about.
# Dec. 1 [The end of the beginning]
For the last day in Jamaica, it's been rather trying . Got a letter from Gram saying that Dad was going to have a hernia operation but not saying when. I called this morning to find out that Dad was in the hospital & already had the surgery. I realized that there is an additional frustration to living outside the U.S. Being incommunicado id one of the toughest barriers to face here in Jamaica. Granted a phone call takes only a minute to get through but its expensive. And again, the money is not important if an emergency existed. However its not knowing how serious or whether or not a phone call would alleviate the anxiety. Fortunately, this morning I called from the PC office (for free). I had a long talk with mom & spoke briefly with Todd and Hol Most of the anxieties were alleviated.
# Finding "home"
The next step in the journey was to get official sworn in and then find out where we were going to end up, which started the process of finding a new home of our own in a new country....
# Dec 9
Its been quite some time in between entries. I'm concerned that it will become the rule rather than the exception. Much, much has ensued in the past week. All of it good!
The flight from Jamaica was uneventful yet very beautiful. It was a rather long (2hr) flight and gave us a chance to "change gears". I found myself wishing that it was taking us back to Salt Lake City. I was quite homesick & anxious about going to Barbados where we would find out what & where we doing and going. It gave me time to think about my commitment & how Jamaica had influenced my perception of the West Indies. I was till uncertain about whether or now I could perform as a PCV or deal with the West Indian environment. I remember being very hopeful & anxious about or assignment.
Antigua, where we stopped over briefly, was our first indication that things were improving. It was a beautiful airport facility. Clean and well maintained. I had the first stirrings of hope that the EC was better than Jamaica, and not worse than our Jamaican experience as we had been led to believe. Perhaps our assignment island would be a paradise.
Once landed in Barbados, we quickly found out about our assignments. We were to be stationed in St. Vincent. What I was going to do was something vaguely connected to the Ministry of Finance but beyond that things became "fuzzy".
# Dec 11
We had a confused and brief swearing-in ceremony at the P.C. office in Bridgetown. The reception following was the best part. Millers High Life & a lot of free Pepsi. A good deal of food. The best thing was that we were now official Peace Corps Volunteers. The last hurdle in becoming PCV's had been passed. The first hurdles in being PCV's were yet to come. The evening passed rather languidly. We took a swim in the ocean. We were trundled off to the airport to recover some lost luggage. Deb and I said a few good byes to those going off to the islands other than St. Vincent and we went to bed.
Next morning was spent in last minute packing, drinking coffee and getting checked in at the airport. Deb, Babe and I had breakfast at the airport to spend the last of our Barbados dollars & talk about being on St. Vincent. About 9:15a we boarded a trusty LIAT airplane and quickly got off the ground for a 45min flight to St. Vincent. We were almost "home".
"Home" turned out to be beautiful! Kingstown & St. Vincent turned out to be much more than we expected. Clean, small & rather "quaint" we liked St. Vincent immediately. No hassles on the street. No piles of garbage lying around. Friendly people. Beautiful scenery.
Out homestay was less positive at first. Both Mr & Mrs Duncan are quite nice but both are rather old & prone to talk at length. Repeat themselves & forget things. But both were much, much nicer than our other homestays. They have a 31 year old daughter that lives at home with them. Hildred functions at the level of a 5 years old. She is a "downs" child with other handicaps. My biggest problem is that I have difficulty dealing with elderly and handicapped people. Seems the Lord is giving me the opportunity to overcome my personal handicaps. Within a few hours though, I felt at home.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-84-lanie-alphie-and-hildred-our-homestay.JPG)
The priority for the week was to find permanent housing. We looked immediately at an unfurnished but beautiful place in Cane Gardens. But, given our incomes & the cost of just the "basics" we couldn't afford the $300/mo rent. During the week Mr Samuel, our island coordinator, was pre occupied with placing two other, older couples in houses. By weeks end we were the only people without housing.
Fortunately the other daughter of our host family knew of a place available in Edinborough just a 10 min walk from the hospital. It was an ideal place. A large yard. Lots of fruit trees & supposedly new renovated. Best of all it was right on the sea. We looked at it this morning and it was less than ideal or renovated. Biggest problem is its placement. Right next to a place called the Ambassadors Club. I guess the whole community is vexed by the noise it produces. Noise being one of my problem areas, I didn't want to take it. But my silence was interpreted as consent by Debbie so we agreed to try it. With 9 mornings coming up I have a feeling it will be the Residence Halls all over again.
So once again it with great anxiety that I looked toward the future on St. Vincent. My position, as it turns out, is in Human Resources so perhaps that will provide some stability in my new life as a Vincentian.
# Dec 21
Its been too long again. Much has happened. Much of it positive. We decided to take the house in Edinboro. The Ambassadors Club next door has been vexing at times. With Nine Mornings going on, sleep has been a rather difficult commodity to obtain lately. However, Deb & I decided it wasn't enough of a problem to warrant our moving out permanently. We made arrangements with Dick and Ann Bienamen to stay with them should the noise become overwhelming. We haven't needed the "retreat" yet. But with Nine Mornings coming to a close, the partying could become heavy, so we'll take it a day at a time.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/our-cottage.JPG)
Psychologically, its ,been an up & down time for me. Since I have yet to begin work I have a lot of free time to do as I please. I've been trying to keep busy with shopping for kitchen necessities and bread making basics. I've been walking around town & also baking bread. I've also tried keeping busy reading and writing (though not in this journal as much as I should). My days tend to go quickly which is nice but though I may be physically busy, mentally I wander and it has caused me some pain. I tend to either dwell on the past and conjure memories of winter & Christmas's past. Or I look forward to the next Christmas back in Salt Lake. Skiing, relaxing & consuming large quantities of Fritos, French onion dip and Tab. I do miss the American lifestyle I gave up. Sometimes I miss it more than I miss the people. I miss the security of being with a large number of Americans in secure houses in which bugs are not rampant. I miss the information on TV, newspaper, radios, magazines. Those things are available but at such a cost as to be out of reach to a PCV. Deb and I are considering buying a radio which may well cost $100 for a very basic unit. But we feel so cut off from the mainstream of local & world events that its important to us to get a radio. Likewise for a Newsweek subscription! These things (and I could dwell on them) have put me on an emotional and psychological roller coaster. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-our-cottage-sea-porch.JPG)I go from feeling OK & secure to a simpering sobbing "wimp" in seconds. Certain words, or thoughts send tears welling up in my eyes. I'm not certain of the cause but I can recognise that I am the only one controlling it and although its difficult, I must not dwell on negative thoughts or be preoccupied with memories. When I deal with the reality of being here is when I function the best. The trick is to remain in that mode.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-kingstown-svg.JPG)
Experientially, St. Vincent is a marvel. I honestly do enjoy the island & the folks that live here. Indeed, my American, white minority status places me in a position of harassment or ridicule by young men Vincentians who wish to test their masculinity & status. No doubt the situation is a photo-negative of the U.S. Southern states environment in the 60's. I thought I was used to being discriminated against in Utah. But the "discrimination" here is of a different sort and only practiced by the young. So far I haven't been overly intimidated but I'll need God's strength at the first confrontation.
Another kind of experience happened last Saturday. Deb and I went skin diving and haven't quite been the same since. The coral and sponge as well as the multitude of fish was over whelming. I've done fresh water snorkeling but it hasn't anything to compare to snorkeling in the E.C. It was beautiful and beautiful is such a lame word to describe it. The incredible variety of fish as well as the other sea life is too numerous to even begin to describe. It was almost a spiritual experience. Needless to say, Debbie and I have been total converts to skin diving & immediately bought the necessary equipment. Another diversion to fill our free time...I'm beginning to doubt whether we'll have any.
Christmas approaches rapidly and still I haven't decided on any gift(s) for Debbie. The feeling of being in the Christmas "spirit" comes and goes. I face much the same frustration I do in the states. An inner need to seek out the roots of Christmas; the birth of Christ. Actually in faithfulness to Christ I have been a miserable failure. I need to re-connect to my faith and the church. No doubt both will be closely connected. I look eagerly toward that for I do miss the Zion family I left behind.
# Dec 27th
Bank holiday today (Boxing Day whatever that is) so Deb and I are lethargically wandering about the house trying to find stuff to keep busy. Not that there isn't anything to do. But the weather is rather threatening & it's been raining on & off this morning. We were hoping to do the remaining wash and so much needed yard work but instead we're taking care of needed indoor necessities.
I successfully made it through Christmas! Successful in that I wasn't a blubbering idiot all Christmas day. Actually Christmas day & eve went rather quickly and with a minimum of tears. It was a nostalgic time but without the negativism I anticipated. It was *very *different from any other Christmas I had remembered in the past. We were not only in a completely different culture & country, we were also in a different climate so that almost everything was a new experience for us which makes the memories of the past that much more inviting. Somehow I managed to avoid a preoccupation with x-mas past and dealt with Christmas Present. We had an interesting and very filling x-mas eve party with other PCV's and some local folks plus a delegation from Taiwan (who were friends of the host). The Taiwanese whipped up some stir fried vegetables & beef. Along with tongue and fish. Marion, Guy's girlfriend made some Dutch treats. I brought bread and some folks brought local specialties. It was a very ethnically rich evening and very pleasant too. It very much seemed like Christmas. The midnight mass at the Anglican church, though long, was very festive and moving. We went to Joan & Greg Klebes after and had some cheesecake and watched them open presents. We got home at about 3am and tried to sleep until about 9am.[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/12-82-christmas-dinner.JPG) Deb and I spent most of Christmas Day just cooking. We made the following (for the record): Roast duckling, corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, cinnamon current bread, apple pie. It was a wonderful festive meal (we took pictures, too) and ate until well stuffed. It took 7 hours to prepare and a ½ hour to eat. But it was wonderful and Deb and I had a good day together. Christmas night we tried to call stateside but the circuits were busy. We talked to Mrs. Douyon and then went to the Duncans. All in all, I was pleased with the day but glad it had passed. Sunday we called home and found that (at least in Chicago) it was 64° on x-mas day. About 11° cooler than here but at least it was a non-traditional day for them too.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/12-82-christmas-day.JPG)
Now that the holidays have almost passed, I try to gear myself for the long haul. Having successfully passed the rather high emotional hurdle of Christmas, I now need to face the fact of day to day living in St. Vincent. Christmas has been an immediate short term problem on which I have concentrated and little else has been on my mind. Now I need to look forward to beginning work, getting the garden going, the chickens going, etc Now I must live here and I am a bit intimidated by it. I still find myself looking toward next Christmas home in the states. I look toward COS that will follow 11 months later. I find myself trying to whittle that 2 years into manageable chunks so that our stay will pass quickly. As mauch to get back to the states as to see how we did for our 2 years in the Peace Corps. I'm anxious to get this two years over to see how we fared. Its also a bit intimidating to think that I'll begin to look for work in just 18 mos. I'm hoping that the US/World economy has rebounded by then but it still looks rather bleak at this end. We made need to make Peace Corps a career.
# Jan 4 1983
Well, we've made it into the new year. The days pass so quickly when I look into my journal and see that it has been more than a week since I have written. But day by day I feel that time is moving too slowly. It's probably because I'm anxious to be home. Not in a negative sense. I don't want to be home to be away from St. Vincent. It's because I miss my family and the states so much. But that feeling is changing somewhat. A month or so ago it was an emotional and intellectual yearning for home. Its now sublimated into more of a gut level, almost internalized feeling of need Almost a hunger...I wonder if I'll just have the feeling soon, without knowing why.
Work begins for me tomorrow. I'm quite anxious. The music next door isn't helping that much either. Seems they chose the worst time to be noisy. I've got a feeling that we're going to confront those folks. "We" meaning the community of Edinboro. It would be useless for just me to complain. I think there are others here that are pretty fed up with having to deal with these guys. I hope we can work out a compromise. At least so that weeknites are relatively quiet. I hardly expect them to give up their business.
We had our first "visitors" today. Their names were Bernadette and Michelle. They are a couple of young girls that have "taken" to Debbie. They asked if they could come over and we said yes. (It's nice to have some control). They gave use some help with the garden but mostly just hung around an read magazines. It was quite nice and they were well behaved. Hope they don't bring a bunch of their friends. Two is enough.
Yes the garden has begun. Actually it will be quite a lengthy project. The soil is quite rocky and it will need much cultivation before it is ready to receive seeds. We have apackage waiting for us at the P.O. Presumably from Debs mom. Supposed to be seeds. Looks like we're going to get some local interest going in it. Great! We could use the help and always need a secondary project.
The weather seems to be improving. WE had rain every day since x-mas eve. Sometimes all day. Soon though, it will be so dry that we'll wish it were raining again. It'll be interesting to see the seasons change here. I don't look forward to increasing temperatures. The temps have been a near perfect 80º. Love it.
# Jan 6 (Epiphany!)
Never mentioned Christmas in terms of Christ (like the unthinking, pagan sinner I am). Now on Epiphany I do remember the miracle of his birth. Moreover, I remember the miracle of His re-birth within me and my re-birth in Him each day. I have been despairing as of late. The last two days have been bummers for me. It may be (and most likely be) due to my starting work. The anxiety associated with that, plus the usual moderate level of stress of just living here PLUS the realization that the Ambassadors club in an every nite rather than a weekend thing, all combined to give me a bad case of the "lets get out of here" blues. The worst part is in the way it affects Deb. I get bummed then she'll get paranoid and I'll say how I wouldn't “be here if it wasn't for you and she begins to feel (and rightly so) that I am laying a guilt trip on her. Sometime I wish she wasn't here so I could just say "I'm going home" and not have to worry about her job or decision. But fortunately, she is a buffer for my more depressing times. Without her I would have gone home, she has stabilized my highly emotional temperament as of late. I've actually been quite concerned about my mental health. I have vague memories of my breakdown in 1977 and I have been feeling is similar. A helplessness and a gut level anxiety a kind of "wimpishness" that is difficult to describe. All I know is that it leads to a lot of inaction, indecision and unhappiness. I've been feeling trapped and yet unable to determine what I have been trapped into. It's impossible to describe the feelings, but they have been self-defeating. Nothing specific just a lack of positivism & "fight" in the way I approach each day. A little of escapism and lack of assertiveness. Oh, I don't know. Perhaps I make too much of it. The bottom line has been that I've been none too happy the past couple of days. It's even affected Deb.
But this morning, before I started work, as I sat alone in my office, I prayed aloud to Christ to give me guidance and strength. He has answered that prayer and though I'm far from being completely at home & free from anxiety, I am a bit more at peace with myself. My strength and success in this place (or in any place) lies in the hands of Christ. I just fail to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts and fail to maintain my "phone lines" to Christ/ I need to maintain my relationship with Him first and the rest should fall into place. Easy to say, so difficult to carry out in day to day living.
# Jan 17th
EGAD Already!? I can't believe that it has been so long since I written. Much, much has transpired in the past few days (10!) I'm so fearful of losing touch with the important goings on in my lifes past. Time tends to make most events black & white. The greys just fade away. I'm under a time constraint so I better move on.
Most joyful, exciting news is in the family area. Mom & Dad & (presumably) Gramps & Gram are coming down this "spring" sometime. We got a letter stating that she had won a free trip and that Gramps had won a free trip to Puerto Rico. I don't understand how they "won" the trips I'm just glad that they are coming. I'm also worried about it, too. Worried that they will find our living conditions "deplorable". Worried that they will be hassled as tourists. The poverty and general dirty-ness of Kingstown may overwhelm them. Both Deb and I want it to be an anxiety-relieving (rather than anxiety producing) experience for them. So the news is greeted with both pleasure and concern. Deb and I need to do some scouting around to learn more about St. Vincent and the Grenadines. We also need to find them suitable lodgings. We would like them to stay at our house but doubt that we could support them in the manner to which they have become accustomed. I doubt our beds or our board would be able to keep up with four people. Plus the Ambassadors Club, the lizards, the roaches and (more recently) the dreaded "40-legs" I doubt would be a comfortable experience. We will entertain however and be more than happy to show them around the place and perhaps, go to Bequia while they are here. Frought with anxiety, we're glad to hear that they are coming down to see us!
The next activity of great satisfaction is our garden. After faithfully turning sod, weeding and tossing out rocks we're finally toward the end of our labors. I set bamboo posts for the fencing and just need to wait until we find an economical supply of chicken wire and also need to wait for our living allowance to be deposited. After two weekends of nothing but digging and weeding, the worst of it is over. We have the seeds (save the sweet pepper and cabbage) and need only buy some insecticide and spray can.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/our-garden.JPG)
The next bit of news is that we may get a dog which is both a blessing and a possible "curse". I would like to have a dog to patrol the yard and also for companionship. It would be a nice diversion for Deb and I. But it would restrict our freedom and drain our pockets. Mrs Douyon says she'll take care of the expense and responsibility when we are away but I hate to saddle her with such a burden. We'll see.
Deb really opened by eyes lst night. She was talking about how much I looked to "home" as being in SLC with my family rather than with her here in St. Vincent. I have never given that much thought, really. She said she was jealous of that relationship and close family ties that brought "home" to mean my mom and family rather than her. I do look to SLC as "home" but not in such a concrete way. Being away from my family and the U.S. both has put a great deal of stress into my life (I'd love to see my BP). To relieve that stress I think of a return to "things familiar" in the states and I tend to conceptualize it all into the house in SLC where Mom and Dad live. Granted, my true home (literally) is here in St. Vincent. But if indeed "home is where the heart is" then home is in SLC because my heart, my longing, is, right now, to be there. Perhaps not always easy to accept but nonetheless a very real feeling. Yet having to choose between here with Deb and the states with Mom and Dad I would definitely stay here. No doubt about that.
# Jan 20 1983
I've spent all day just sitting and reading. In fact, the last two weeks have been an exercise in patience. I'm extremely frustrated (perhaps, not the only time?). I know there is a great deal of work to be done but I can't do. Mostly because Mr Gaynes has not approved the paperwork necessary to begin my data collection on the jobs here. The possibilities for what to do with the data, once obtained, are endless. However, without the completed questionnaires, I am helpless. I'm also missing the acedemic resources necessary to "branch out" into other areas of interest. I'm also concerned that Mr. Gaynes will be the "bottleneck" of the operation. Last, I am emotionally/psychologically having problems dealing with the cultural pressures. On one hand, I anxious to begin doing something if only to occupy my time and get the calendar moving again. On the other hand, I can withdraw and "hide" from the anxiety producing confrontations that arise from day to day living in St. Vincent. I want to work, but I don't want to. I'm frustrated in just sitting here, but I think I'd rather sit here. I could explore and go around and meet people but it's just too "costly" to me as yet. Should I be content and patient with a slow start (which I did, in fact, anticipated) or should I leap to action in the American tradition, I swore last week that this Monday I would force myself to confront this potentially disabling situation. And yet I sit in the office and read. I make my mind up to visit and office or dept head, then forestall the commitment . It's maddening & potentially dangerous because I can "feel" depression just around the corner. I am very much afraid of becoming depressed because I know what a rapid, downward spiral that can become. The homesickness, the feeling of uselessness the cultural "shock" could easily push one over the brink. I'm skirting the borders of it now. I am afraid to tell Deb about it because it's such a flighty and transient feeling that I can't tell whether I am becoming depressed or suffering from the psychological shock of just being here. I don't want to alarm here (because of my previous psych problems). I've noticed that she has been showing more signs of the impact of this place and I don't want to add to her burden of trying to deal with this place. She has been more negative toward work than I've ever known her to be. My bellyaching about my situation could only exacerbate the problem. We have pretty effectively balanced each other out emotions-wise. If we should both be "down" at the same time I don't know what would happen. So I try to hang in there. As much for my own well being as for hers.
Keith (A.T. Keith) came in from B'Dos this week and will be staying with Deb & I this weekend. A nice change of scenery and a good refresher on the B'dos crowd of E.C.33's We're going to Bequia on Saturday so at least we'll have 1 Grenadine island on our list of places visited.
# Jan 24 1983
We had a real "up" weekend so I wanted to write it down quick! Seems like mostly negative stuff gets written in here so I figured I'd better capitalize on my high emotions and write.
First we had Keith (Paulsen) from EC-33 (now in B'dos) stay with us this weekend. Though it strains our budget (to put it very mildly) its also very nice to have him. Not that Deb and I are bored with each other (hardly). Its just that "third person" relationships help us put our experience in perspective. We were overjoyed to have him complement our home and surroundings and I've been amazed that the Ambassadors have hardly played at all. I'm sure that this place appears to be very ideal to him. Lately, it has been. He also talked about EC-33 volunteers in B-dos so we have caught up on that gossip. I'm feeling better about Debs & my experience here in St. Vincent. Not only because I know that other volunteers are having a tougher time, but just because I've begun to want to stay here. And I know that this experience is being shared all over the EC (and the world for that matter). There is a kinship there. A rather tenuous thread which links PCV's in a way which can't be duplicated. Yeah, its still tough. I'll still get depressed (seem more manic/depressive I'm manic now). I want to see my family. But the bottom line is that I'm feeling OK about being here. I don't know how long that will last but I do know that I like the feeling.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/03-83-bequia-excursion.JPG)The second thing which made this a nice weekend was the trip to Bequia. The boat trip was fine (if crowded). I saw actual flying fish for the first time. I fell in love with sailboats! Bequia is a sailors haven. I could just imagine sailing down from Florida or even the NE coast to come to Bequia. Its beautiful. The beaches were clean, quiet and virtually uninhabited. Though the coral was the greatest, the snorkling was OK. Swimming was great. Its really the tropical island. Quaint shops, boats on the beach and in the harbor. It's quite a place.
Thirdly, we went to the beach at Ottley Hall (Keith & I). We swam out to the wreck and along the beautiful reefs there. Found some huge sand dollars. Basically it was good exausting fun. Keith has rented a bike so we may go to Barroulli today and check out some projects going there. But the bike came in handy in going to Ottley and up to Fort Charles. Things are looking up for now.
This is just to put this manic/depressive thing in perspective...Got a letter fom Mom this AM (small packet actually) which contained a letter, a Zion "Herald" and two Poli Sci exams (from 1980!). I suddenly realized just how poor a form of communication a written letter is. Mom said she'd be sending along Debs files and books bit it would cost "a fortune". I thought I had said for her to send the files (at any cost) But to bag the books if they were too expensive. Sounds like she is sending the whole thing. Egad. It is so frustrating to deal long distance. I've got to call and it all straight if possible (another expense). So that letter, and its full implication, has burst my bubble.
Another thing. Mom sent along a X-mas letter from the Yapps who live in England. Charlie when on and on about Prince Charles & Lady Di, how they met & were asked to a party, etc. Both the Yapps children have very good jobs with General Foods. Just because George "got them in the door". Made me realize just how much the "rich get richer and the poor get poorer" is a real statement of the conditions of man. The rich have the means to perpetuate themselves, the poor just struggle to stay alive. Grant that Jeff & Nancy have something on the ball or else GF would send them packing. But are the same employment opportunities offered to all on an equal basis? Or was it that Mr. Yapp gave them a little push? I guess I am angry in that I know I could perform or out perform Jeff or Nancy but I'll never have the chance. Life just isn't that way. The poor here in St. Vincent would love to have the same chance as those two. I doubt they even come close.
# 1/25/83
The first thing I wanted to sit down and write. The weather is cool & rainy. Buckets have been falling since early AM. "Oregon Day"
I think Oregon would be much like this in summer. The weather, heat-wise has been too forgiving. I begin to worry about "melting" when the hot part of the year begins in June. Only 5 months away. How soon that seems. July, Deb and I plan to attend a conference in B-dos (24th-31st). Seems that Mom (from the latest letters) will not be coming down for sure. Perhaps she was dreaming or stretching the truth a bit. I'm not hurt, just surprized I was not more cynical when I first heard she was coming. I usually temper mom's unusually enthusiastic plans/goals for the future. Take 'em with a grain of salt. I guess I was just too anxious to have her here. So, Deb & I are back to square one on our travel plans. Though we haven't heard mom's plans for sure, we've decided to plan our "Easter get away to some other islands(s). Need to do more exploring about. I would really enjoy a few days on another island. Need to contact other EC-33's.
Yesterdays trip to the Leeward side was an eye opener. I found what shocked me the most was that I wasn't appalled by the living conditions. I guess my "standards" have changed. Indeed, the small rickety shacks were just one step above living in the open air. Some were merely collections of galvanized or planks haphazardly leaned together. Some were the most rudimentary beginnings of structure; four posts, a roof, with planks, bamboo, pieces of galvanized making up the walls. Greater sophistication was shown in the building of "wobble" frame which was posts & woven bamboo sides. A step up was wobble & daub in which the bamboo was covered with chicken wire and then cement. Some houses were built with T&G planking. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/02-84-biabou-st-vincent.JPG)However, the most sophisticated would have been a low standard house in the U.S. So, as I stood amid the shacks in the "Glebe" I was amazed at how little I was revulsed by my surroundings. I pity the children. The poor little urchins are barely clothed. Some appear to have eaten little. I saw few males at the homes looking after the children. They males can be found sitting under trees talking & working a soccer ball among themselves (which appears to be the only talent they have). Actually, I was overwhelmed by the immensity of the task for any development organization. The Gov't has done a bit of housing but there empty units. CaDEC has been very involved in housing rehab but is having limited success. Mostly because the people have not taken responsibility for themselves. They think the housing has been "given" to them so they expect more. The land was given to them so why not a house? I find the same "more, more" attitude here as I found in SLC housing rehab. If you give them a door, they want a free door knob, too. First I was saying these people (Vincentian "Glebe" residents) have no pride. No initiative. No hope for getting out of this mess. Then, I suddenly realized I was generalizing. Seems to me that most (if not all) chronically poor people suffer from this "give me more" attitude. I have no idea from here it comes but it seem to have a universal component. It may be tied up in this "Rich get richer, poor get poorer" rhetoric. The socio-economic web is spun in great complexity here.
I could press on with my thesis on why males lack responsibility in general. And females seem to so willingly jepordize the lives of their children but I won't. Mostly because the interrelationships are just beginning to make sense to me. Its tied up in the whole picture of the "life is cheap". But just one more thing. While waiting at the service station to get gas, a woman came up to Lylee Cato (who was driving) and told him in dispassionate almost whimsical terms that her son had been "lost" on friday. Died shortly after birth. Lylee cheerfully said that there would be others. What was lacking in the whole conversation was grief, remorse a sense of loss. Perhaps life is cheap here but that doesn't mean it is meaningless.
# Settling in...
After a month or so, Deb and I began to get a little more settled. We would still experience some more extreme culture shock (you can see it beginning) but we know what our days will be like, even though we still struggle to accept all we see.
# 28/1/83
Not feeling 100% just now but wanted to finish out the week on a positive, constructive note. Work has been a "no surprize" affair except, I finally got off my duff and visited with Jeff Venner over at the Dept of Labor. He is a really on the ball guy and sounds as though he has got good ideas. I think he will use me and I am trying to "temper" my excitement. I remember feeling optimistic about Mr. Gaynes too. I still have a lot I could do in the Ministry of Finance but I have been stymied for now. I did see Mr. Gaynes on Mon. He told me to back, which I did and he put me off and said he would see me. He never came. I have spent nearly all week sitting here (save Tuesday) hoping for him to come by.. No luck. Mr Venner seems ambitious enough to keep me busy. He has two people in Manpower & Training that need training themselves. He said something about starting an employment bureau and also send his new staff out for training in Jamaica or Guyana. In all, I basically begged him to have me do something. Monday we'll meet for a longer period of time so we can do a more thorough needs assessment. In all cases, there is a glimmer of hope that my idleness will end. I'm sure looking forward to a change of pace.
Got a lot of letters this week (earlier) and have spent the balance trying to answer them all. It certainly is good to get mail from home. I can just picture the house in SLC and the front room/kitchen people sprawled comfortably around the house, relaxing after a day of work. Though sometimes painful, those memories are a catylyst for me to "hang in there". I look forward to the reunion at Christmas, but also to how this year is going to unfold. My purpose here is still a blank slate. For the nearly two months we have been in SVG I have done little but get a garden going. I haven't changed anyone or anything. I don't think I've made a difference but then again, How will I know? The people of the street aren't as intimidating but they still seem to react the same. I feel different but how has that influenced the state of affairs in SVG? I don't know. Sometimes, I don't care. For two reasons: God put me in SVG for a purpose. One that perhaps I'll never know. 2 I'm learning so much that at least I will have benefited from being here (though I feel a bit guilty and selfish) But it also humbles me. Even more than my two months of idleness. Because I may not, even though I work my buns off, make any perceptible difference in life in SVG.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/6e7image.png)
We had access to a typewriter at the Peace Corp office that I took advantage of from time to time.
# Jan 31 1983
Monday mornings. I hate em. I am unusually lethargic and unmotivated. I should go see Mr. Gaines. I need to go to the wharf & to the tourism dept. Most I just want to sit here. Rivited in immobility. Doing anything at work has become quite a chore. I'm excited by the possibility that something might come of my visit this afternoon at the Dept of Labor. Gads. I hope something happens. I doubt I can put up with this under (or non-) utilization much longer. No doubt I am learning patience. At this rate, I'm learning to be THE most patient man in the world.
Talked to mom yesterday. It was so wonderful to hear all their voices. We talked for about 25 min (probably cost a BUNDLE) but it was certainly worth it. We had to straighten up a lot of "fuzzy" rumors and mis-information. But it was certainly worth it. I must learn to be clearer in my written correspondence. sometimes I think I shouldn't write at all because it seems to do less for understanding. Anyway the phone call cleared up a lot of the rough edges at least I know what was going on.
After the phone call the afternoon settled into a kind of melancholy. Both Deb and I felt "bleah". So we decided to go out to dinner and a show with Joan, Greg and "Anchor". It did a great deal for our morale. But for the last few days I've been feeling wrung out achy tired and bleah. No fever no flu. Just kind of punk. Don't know if it's physical or psychological. Diet? Food poisoning? Too liberal use of insecticide around the house? Whatever it is, I wish it would go away. I have a hard enough time being with it when I'm healthy.
# Feb 4
End of week. Peculiar perspective having both first and last Impressions on this first week and anniversary of our second month on St. Vincent. Amazing! I would have thought that this month would have crawled from the amount of sitting I have done in this office. At least our garden is in! (progress must be noted however small ). The cabbages and lettuce have already begun climbing out of the ground. Hope the bugs don't destroy them. Anyway (as I wander everywhere ) the week is finished. Two months is finished ( only 22 left ), and soon I'll be done for the day.
Deb cried quite a bit last night. She's lost two patients this week. Unnecessary deaths in that the skills, tech, meds or machines are available but not here. She's watching a 16-year-old quad slowly degrade into nothingness due to poor nursing care and something as simple as a lack of pillows to keep him in proper position so that bed sores don't develop. Any death is an unpleasant experience ( to say the least ) but unnecessary death is a complete tragedy. A waste of human life. Her sorrow poured out last night at this wastage.[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-deb-on-the-sea-porch.JPG) I got angry at a system that lets people die, also for what it is doing to a compassionate caring individual like Debbie. Sometimes (most times )I want to go home just to protect her. But I realize that the good she is doing for her patients and the people she works with is far more important than my agonizing over her sorrow. Should she choose to leave here ( which would be highly unlikely ) I would discuss it with her then go ( or stay ) whatever the results of discussion pointed to. But I want to be rid of this sorry place for her sake. I don't see the heartbreak, I only hear about it or feel it. To me, boredom is my greatest enemy while Debbie is involved in fighting death itself. She's been too tired lately and I'm worried about her. She's fragile and yet so tough. I just feel inadequate to help her cope.I just listen and tell her whether I understand or not. but I can't do more. I can't shake up the hospital system, manage it competently and change the system in which it works. I'm powerless to do anything and that impotence gnaws at me.
But the problem is greater than just an inept run hospital. it goes far beyond a cumbersome, disorganized government. The problem lies with the people. as it always does. Because hospitals and governments are merely responses to people's needs. They aren't the needs themselves. The people need to take responsibility for themselves. They can no longer afford to drift aimlessly about. Waiting for Godot. The fathers of the children need to acknowledge their responsibility. The women need to stand up for their rights and follow up on the power and responsibility they already have. I agree that the people of St Vincent ( and the EC generally ) need to bail out on the slave excuse and realize they are an important people with important ideas to share with the rest of the world. Until that time, people like Debbie will be torn by the sorrow and futility of life here.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/YiWimage.png)
# Feb 8 1983
Busy day yesterday. Busy weekend I wish the weeks would pass as quickly as the weekends. It seems I never have enough time to get it all done. I tend to drag a bit anyway. But weekends are so much fun. I'm wishing they were 3 days long.
I talked with Van Keen yesterday morning and that's why the day went quickly by. He seemed more interested in "shooting the breeze" than in finding out how my position was going here. He wasn't really surprised or alarmed that I wasn't intensely ( or even mildly). He wasn't really terribly helpful in trying to relieve the bottlenecks I have been experiencing. Mostly, he wanted to make sure that I was getting involved in a secondary project so that I could constructively direct my frustrations. Actually, that's about all I expected him to do. The ambiguity of PC has not been relieved much. I think I'm pretty much responsible for my own business so I don't really expect PC to be helping me through. But I was rather surprised at his lack of concern. But that's the West Indian way.
I spent the PM side of the day writing letters. I've been writing quite a bit lately and have felt a bit guilty for pushing Debbie into getting letters off to her friends and relatives. Usually, I'll write about half and let her finish. Still, whether she wants to write or not should be her business. She's been so busy at work that she has no time to write while there and she been doing more afternoon "home visits" so often she's well into the evening, after dinner, before she's composed enough to sit and write. I have more to write ( letters ). There is always someone to write.
This writing fetish is a part of a multi-dimensional lifestyle that seems to be evolving out of this EC/PC experience. First and foremost, is this nagging question of why the Lord put me here. With all my free time, I wonder just what the heck I'm supposed to be doing in St Vincent. My job hasn't exactly been a "dynamite" experience. I'm restless inside me to begin some concrete community work but nothing has materialized yet. Our lifestyle at the cottage has been the most pleasing, has the most permanence and gives me the most security. Outside of that, things still remain a bit "fuzzy". My job is "fuzzy". My community involvement is "fuzzy". I'm praying that God will bring them into sharp focus. But through it all, has been this ribbon of literature. both reading and writing. I've been reading Michner novels ( on my fourth one ) which has been a delight and escape for me. and I've been writing. Writing letters, writing in this journal. For I love to create visual images on paper. The emotions flow on paper. Sometimes I tentatively hope that the Lord has given me this gift as both a personal joy and vocation. Though I cannot see myself in an office setting ( for long ) I can see myself as a writer. Watching seasons pass in front of my desk as I spill out me on paper. I have no desire to talk about myself as much as I can relate the world through myself. I can't write fiction but I can write a prosy "the way I see it" kind of story.
When I was a child, I had an overwhelming, driving desire to be able to write songs. Not so much music, as a song. I found my poetry found greater life at the piano and when I hurt, really hurt God blessed me with an ability to pour out my hurt through music. The keenness of that ability waned as my hurt subsided. I don't think I could write as meaningful music now. but now the challenge is survival. Survival in a foreign culture. Survival without the immediate constant support of my family. Survival through my love for Debbie. All this creates a low but constant level of anxiety and perhaps that is why I have become more prolific. but I hope not. I hope it's the beginning of a long relationship with the pen. I have always wanted to write professionally ( this is my deepest secret for a writer really does no "work"). I don't know if this journal shall ever be read on printed "for profit" basis. But what I do know that God provides gifts on a long and short-term basis as His need dictates. This Peace Corps experience is filled with hidden possibilities and only time will tell what they are.
# Feb 11 1983
Friday! Afternoon yet. I'm glad to be done with this week. A new low in productivity. It's such an anxiety producing no-win situation here. If I remain here in my office & just read and keep myself otherwise occupied, I become anxious out of my guilt and not "doing my job", whatever that is. It's also boring! But to change the situation, that is, do something, I need to risk. To risk to cause anxiety, so to change from inactivity to activity also causes anxiety. I obviously over-estimated my workload even though I didn't think I'd be doing much to start with. I'm not doing much, I'm doing nothing. I operate in a completely open system here. I can work or not work at my convenience. No one has told me what to do (darn it) so I create my own situation. I'm needed but "temporarily" superfluous. Gads, I just wish that I had more to do. My research for the Manpower report is crawling along. But I will get to attend 4, ½ day training seminars which will at least change the pace a bit. And I will get to meet some higher-ups which may facilitate other projects over the long run.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. Deb and I hope to go with the Bienamens to Villa tomorrow a.m. and do some snorkeling. We also hope to attend a cricket match in the afternoon. Sunday, we plan to climb Sufriere with some other PCVs. We need the exercise and need to get out. I'm constantly hatching plans to go somewhere for Easter weekend. I know that some charters are available to B-Dos, Grenada and Trinidad. Our 6-month reunion is supposed to be in St Lucia so it's a low priority to go there even though it may have a charter to it. I'd like to go north to Antigua (a Lutheran Church is rumored to be there) or Saint Kitts/Nevis.We'll have to see. At least this weekend and next week will be busy, somewhat.
Noticed in my last few letters stateside that I talked a lot about my return travel arrangements. The need & desire to go home hasn't been reduced in intensity, just in frequency and duration. I ran into a Mormon missionary from Kuna (Elder Manning) Idaho. I was actually happy to see him! He had that distinctive Western US accent and I could have talked with him for hours. No doubt we'll have him and his "brother" over for dinner in the next 2 months. Just to cure a little homesickness.
I've been preoccupied with my 10th High School reunion for some bizarre reason. It's next year and most assuredly, I'll miss it unless Deb and I manage to save $15,000EC between now and then. we're already going to Salt Lake City for Christmas ($5,000EC). Europe after COS ($6,000EC). A flight to Chicago would cost at least $4,000EC. But oh how I'd love to see where the rest of my class of 1974 have ended up. Maybe, just maybe, we'll find the money. There's always that possibility.
# 14/2/83
Valentine's Day and a Monday. I hate Mondays for the usual reasons. Even more so for my tremendous "underwork" load. I have here. I'm becoming bitter and angry and frustrated at this position I'm in. The days don't drag but I hardly feel satisfied at the end. I could go on in this limbo but it's undermining my enthusiasm. To walk away from this place each day knowing that the work done is hardly perceptible is a bit depressing on a regular basis. I will begin writing the manpower report by months end but after 2 months of preparation I hardly feel industrious. But it will provide a forecast and plan for the future. I can't help but wonder what the Lord has in store for me.
Sufriere was an awesome experience. It's really quite humbling to be at the mouth of such a vast source of energy. The cone itself is desolate and the edge drops off precipitously.
[ ](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/02-83-soufriere-climb.JPG)[ ](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/02-83-soufriere-climb-2.JPG)
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/OX5image.png)
# 28/2/83
I will return to Sufriere later. It's been nearly (actually exactly) 2 weeks since I last managed to write in this journal. The reason such a long time has lapsed since I last wrote has been mainly due to my participation in a training workshop with the OECS over the past two weeks. The first week was spent in a top mgt information seminar to inform the top managers of what their middle managers were going to be receiving in their training. The four half day sessions were informative to me and gave me the first inklings that there might just be a way to enlist support in using my skills and abilities. The group talked about its problems in the St Vincent public service. Most of them were HR related. In fact, I was amazed at how their contributions pointed strongly to a need for a coordinated human resource development function. One of the "Permanent Secretaries" even said "What all this is telling me is that we need a better human resource department". Gads, I almost dropped dead! A bit later, the bubble was burst by Jeff Venner (labor commissioner) who mentioned that this particular group was very good at identifying problems but very slow in finding and implementing solutions. It was at that time I remembered that in 1970 and again in 1978 it was recommended that an O&M section be formed to assist in assessing and implementing HR functions. These folks appeared to be keenly aware of the problems facing the effective use of Human Resources because the problem had been around for 13 years or more. I began to get depressed again. I am amazed at the recalcitrance of this society. I'm still surprised that they managed to decide upon, and Implement their own independence. They must have begun their separation back at the turn of the century.
My depression was short-lived because of the mid-mgt group which came on the scene the following Monday. These folks are a bit more down to earth and perhaps a bit too pessimistic about their ability to change anything. The slightest pessimism from them almost totally demoralizes me for if they can't make a difference in the system, how am I to? Anyway, the realism was worth the added burden of pessimism. During the week we had a chance to check each other out. I had a chance to be visible, willing and able to help them and they had a chance to establish my credibility. That credibility and visibility was greatly enhanced by the OECS folks soliciting my opinion and participation in the training. For that I will be forever grateful. Jack and Ermine (the trainers) were wonderful. Anyway. I have now established contacts and credibility within the SVGPS. I plan to forge ahead with the job descriptions but also assist in problem solving on a one-to-one basis. No doubt I'll be doing some training too. Now my fear is in my own competence as a trainer and HR advisor. I still feel a bit too academic and would like some more experience in training hands on. God willing, I get I'll get that. but I also know that even an inexperienced attempt to coordinate and facilitate the HR development function will be better than what is available now. Outside consultants and advisors that remain in St Vincent only a short time are virtually worthless because of the transference of skills is not ongoing. Even this OECS thing would fail without having me to follow up and participate in the growth process now started. Perhaps I'm overselling myself again. But this MDA position would be a great stepping stone to establishing a coordinated and effective HR program.
Enough of business. I nearly died of an excruciating headache and ultra high fever last week but I got better. Deb's at home with the same symptoms today. Funny how I hope that it will be serious enough to be shipped home (not in a pine box). You see, even though my job situation has improved immensely I'm still running scared at being here. I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable with living here.
# 1/3/83
It seems as though as soon as I find myself starting to enjoy myself here, something comes along to spoil it. It might be a long night session at the Ambassador's club or a constantly barking dog that interrupts my sleep. It might be an offhand comment by a local. It could be an army of ants that invade some foodstuffs, mosquitoes, or a 40 legs. But more or less it's always something that prevents me from truly relaxing and enjoying myself. Even the form of some enjoyment has changed. In the states it could have been watching TV or going to a movie. Maybe a drive in the mountains. None of that is available to us. Relaxation must come through swimming, walking (doubtful because it is hot), or reading. Also, conversation with friends or other PCV’s might be one form of entertainment. But, it never seems to be enough to allow me to just rest. Being a PCV is a 24-hour a day job. Sometimes you'd just like to scream and run away.
Turns out Deb's got a mild case of dengue fever. Which means I've had it twice. Same symptoms, high fever, headache and, now that we think about it, a rash (little red spots). The headache is the worst part. Seemed to last days. Deb's somewhat glad that we've had it. At least we know what to expect.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-82-sea-porch-views.JPG)
Got some more info about job. Turns out we had two gentlemen in last week to do some organizational analysis. I'm constantly amazed about how I've been on target with some of the things I've felt needed to be done. First, it was a training program in job analysis which the OECS came in to do. Second it was a Manpower forecast I felt was needed and which a fellow from the UN is putting together. Now it's an organizational analysis which I felt was needed at the very start. I'm feeling a bit more confident about the direction I've chosen even if I'm not totally confident about being in St VG.
# 4/3/83
Not being totally confident about being in St Vincent I'm amazed I said that. Some things that seem revelatory are in essence a prior thought brought into full consciousness. Two days ago a team from CHP in Jamaica came to SVG to talk about prior training and get more job related material on the next group from Van K. Pearl (old friend from CHP) was one of the folks who visited. As we talked (at great length) I came to the "sudden" realization that I wasn't very happy here. Fact was she asked if I thought I'd ET and I said "Yes". She agreed and we went on to talk about the cultural things which make my satisfaction with being here so difficult to come by. When I brought up the things to Deb, she became immediately defensive and panicked. Presumably because she thought I was miserable and she thought that the only reason I was staying here was "to make her happy". Granted, the fact that Deb is a very valuable and needed person here does indeed influence my decisions about this place. But also my need to see if I can survive and also to develop #1) a competence in HR management, and #2) some sense of whether or not this is the type of work I want to be doing. It's a personal as well as professional challenge to remain here. I do want to see it through. But I also have adjustment problems and whenever my health (mental and physical) or motivation is undermined, the first thing I think about is going home to the states. Even that is an irritation. I wish I had the maturity and flexibility to adapt to life in the EC without having those urges to run. Perhaps that is another reason I wish to stay. So I can truly feel free and independent to function away from my family friends and familiar surroundings. I guess that would be an emancipating experience.
But this culture, or actually, the process of learning to deal with this culture tends to force one inward rather than outward. I'm feeling distant from God, who put us here. Deb has mentioned feeling distant from me and perhaps I too feel that distance. This whole experience is very upsetting (in a positive way) and perhaps that is forcing Deb and I into a process of introspection as we assimilate and acculturate to living in St Vincent. I don't know. I do know that as of right now, I'm feeling a bit alone and unhappy. A distance from God and my wife. The needed cure is perhaps prayer and talk. Talk to God, talk to my wife.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-frangipani.JPG)
\[Just looking out the backdoor of the cottage could be restorative on some days...\]
# Culture Shock sets in
It's been our companion for almost 6 months and shows little sign of abating...
# 14/3/83
Another forever gone by. Seems that I just wrote, now it's the 14th. Well, I've been talking to God and have talked with Deb. Things seem to be working themselves out. Mostly I think I was feeling a little culture shock and just came "unglued" when Pearl was here. Things aren't rosy but they are not as bleak as they seemed.
It's Monday morning and I'm having my usual motivational problems. it really is amazing. I'll bitch and moan about not having anything to do and then when I finally have something to do I just sit here riveted to my chair. I'm afraid to go out there (there I said it). I don't know why but I'm afraid. I need to see Mrs John, Mr Ollivierre, Mrs Small, Jeff Venner, and Mrs Cato. plus begin to follow up on training. But the truth is that I'd rather sit here, and hide behind my door and wall and desk. I'd rather not risk it. It's most peculiar and frustrating. I'm in a crisis right now. A career crisis actually. because I'm so reluctant to do any HR work here. I wonder if I'm cut out to do HR work at all. I'm worried that HR "isn't for me" and that perhaps I've chosen the "wrong" career. Or it maybe that doing HR work in St Vincent is my problem. If I was doing other work here, I might not be so reluctant. I have never had such a dilemma in my life. I've always "forged ahead" whatever the task. The only time I can remember feeling so immobile was when I was managing L-C Standard and going through the breakup with Gail. But it wasn't as bad as this. It's really perplexing. Is it the job or St Vincent? I really don't know and that is what is driving me crazy.
I've been giving "career" a lot of thought lately as a result of my crisis. Told Mom that "I'd rather be behind a hammer than a desk". Told Deb that "maybe I'm not such a people person". I'm beginning to rethink my goals & aspirations and it's honestly very frightening to be so insecure about a career at 28 years old. I thought I had dealt with all that years ago. But on second thought, I never have. School (all my degrees) was an intellectual challenge, not a means to an end. It was proof to myself and parents that I was worth something. Or actually, a way to increase my worth. It was what "my kind of people did" ( they went to college). I guess I'm still haunted by the peer pressure I felt in high school and the perceived goals that my parents had for me. I guess I haven't been as honest with myself and my needs as I thought. I want to be my own boss. I want to be monetarily comfortable so that I can give my kids a good education, relax during my non-work hours and have the luxury of free time to devote to God and community. I want no chains. I want to be free in my love for God and Deb and kids. but I need security in knowing I'm accepted no matter what I do for a living. I need to convince myself that I'm worthwhile no matter what I do. In short (again) I need to mature. But how to mature and how to know that I'm mature. That's the real question.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-sunset.JPG)
# 22/3/83
A week passeth!.. my initial reluctance to move was overcome. I find myself breaking up all the things I need to do into daily objectives helps. for example if I need to see Mr X Mrs Z and Miss Y. I see Mr X on Monday, Mrs X on Tuesday etc. I still feel guilty in that I'm not very productive. But I am getting something done and I guess I should be satisfied with that. Still, I can't help but wonder why I'm so reluctant to get on with it. Seems that each objective or activity is a monumental task. I'm really uncomfortable with those thoughts and doubts about my career and competence. It would be much better if I had a mentor or a counterpart. As it is, I am the most knowledgeable one here (in HR matters). But, since I lack experience, and I'm from another culture as well as being "green" in the job here, my credibility hasn't been established. I plan to work with Inland Revenue and the Library and perhaps, with those out of the way, other departments will enlist my services. But I need to do each little task so that can happen. I need to make some progress everyday. I just hope I can do that!.
On the homefront things have been picking up with mixed feelings from me. Lots of folks, mostly young, mostly small have been coming by. Many of them this past weekend. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/01-84-junior-shawn-jose-clarke.JPG)First, I don't know why they are coming over and until my suspicions are allayed, I'm going to be uncomfortable with folks just dropping in. If they come by because they like us, then I don't mind. But if they come by because they want something from us then I'm not real keen on their visits. Granted, the fruit trees are ripening and soon many people will come by to pick fruit (both with and without permission) so I guess I should relax and live with it. But I still feel uncomfortable with what I feel is a lack of respect of other people's space here in St V. Well, it's not just here in St V but rather seems a condition of the adolescence and teen in today's society. It's more noticeable here because of cultural differences. Still, I've got a long way to go until I'm comfortable here both job wise and personally (personally and professionally that should be read). I still find myself taking mental vacations to the States from time to time but I think I spend even more time Stateside in my sleep. My dreams often take me home and I wonder how healthy that is. I even smoke in some of them. Sometimes I daydream about situations that would send me home (some of them terrible and selfish). But I think I do spend too much time Stateside and hope that my mental wanderings cease. At least until some reasonable time like Oct when the reality of our trip home is closer at hand. Sometimes Dec is light years away, sometimes it's like tomorrow. But oh how I look forward to seeing home!
# 29/3/83
Visions of home and Christmas!..seems much too early for such things yet a few powerful reminders have drawn me to it. We got a comics page from the Buffalo News from Dick & Anne. Dated December 26th most of the comics dealt with post Christmas depression and children wanting it to be Christmas again. Sort of mimicked my thoughts and feelings but the knowledge that it's only 8 & 1/2 months away and that plans will be firmed up in 6 and 1/2 months or so make it a bit more manageable. Still, I wish I could get out of this home obsession until September or October when the time between won't seem so unbelievably long. Things are improving though on all fronts… almost…
Deb and I had made some last minute plans to go to the Tobago Keys over Easter. It would cost $600 EC which is steep but would be worth it for a four-day excursion. We would have sailed which would have been the best part of all. Unfortunately the doctor over-booked the thing and we got bumped. Debbie was really looking forward to it. I was a bit more ambivalent but I still would have liked to go. We need a break badly. 4 days away would have been ideal for us. As it is, we'll have to wait maybe until June when Dr Harvey's (orthopaedic surgeon from UK) girlfriend is coming down to visit. We hope it doesn't conflict with our conference in St Lucia which we are also looking forward to. So our mini vacation is sacked. Mom and Dad's trip down is rather dubious too. At least in the near future. Dad didn't sound overly optimistic about his coming down. Money is tight and it sounds like his business needs careful tending. I'm disappointed (and a bit relieved to be honest with you). Disappointed in that I'm really looking forward to seeing them. Seeing them and giving them both tremendous and wrapping hugs is one of my frequent fantasies. I really miss those people! I am relieved, in a sense, that I am getting so defensive of St V that I think I would spend lots of time trying to explain away some of the discomforts of living here. Beggars, snide comments, mosquitoes heat and humidity etc. I want them to love St V as much as I do, yet I know that won't happen in a week's time. So I'm relieved that I won't be put in that bind. Still they haven't said they were not coming, just that no one has said when. More ambiguity!.
My job is becoming less ambiguous which seems almost miraculous considering my frustrations over the past 3 months. But the result of that reduction in ambiguity has been mixed. Both encouraging and discouraging (seems I deal with a lot of black/white good/bad issues). It's been encouraging that my workload has perceptibly increased, my idle time decreased so my days go faster. I'm even finding some difficulty in completing some odds and ends that I began or want to follow up on. Anyway things are picking up. The discouraging item on this encouragement horizon is that I'm becoming less confident in the system. If I had some reservations about some inconsistencies within the saint V P.S., those reservations are now full-blown skepticisms. My questions arise out of conversations I've had with two P.S. employees (one an expatriate like me) and the comment the Archbishop of the Anglican Church made. The employees talked about corruption. Pure and simple. Lots of political favors paid to politically powerful men. Taxes unpaid knowingly, property not valued properly, money taken out of the country (secretly). In all I was stunned by the depth and breadth of the "malpractice" in the civil service. I still need to verify the info, but the expatriate, who I would guess to be about as apolitical as you can get, was in a position to know. Perhaps it's the beginning of understanding why top mgt is so resistant to change. They don't want to stop the payola going on. And what they've done to thwart the system is very clever. They continue to have outside agencies (USAID P.C. CAID VSO's) come and do research and publish reports. In this way it looks like much is being done without doing anything. They can give lip service to change without committing any resources to do it. No implementation or follow up means a perpetual cycle. Outside agencies only make the problem worse through uncoordinated and short-term projects. Peace Corps is the only program I know of that stresses the ongoing nature of their programs. But two years isn't enough. 5 years might be and 10 would be optimal. Peace Corps failing is that it supplies too much segmented programs which fails to generate long-term counterpart integration. Perhaps the system is unchangeable. If people continue to expect help they will do little to help themselves (welfare syndrome). To provide no strings help is to perpetuate dependence. LDC's need to hang on to their HR and implement long-term projects for change. And by the way, that's easy for me to say! but back to corruption, the Archbishop basically capped my conclusions in that he said (during a sermon) a very reliable source told him "the corruption in the St Vincent P.S goes all the way to the top". Perhaps there is something to these allegations after all.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/Peh04-84-sea-porch-sunset.jpg)
# 5/4/83
April ? already? I won't dwell on the fast/slow movement of time in this place but the agonizingly slow movement of time always seems fast in retrospect. Soon, it will be October and I'll say WHAT? So soon? But the 6 months in between seem interminable...on to other things.
Kind of a mixed Easter weekend. In some respects worse than Christmas. It began benignly enough but Easter Sunday was a struggle. Good Friday was a good day for R&R. Deb and I both took it easy. Did the laundry & some gardening and odds & ends about the yard. It was a quiet, easy going day. We went to church that afternoon and spent a peaceful evening afterwards. Those kind of days I could use more often!
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/11-83-pete-washing-laundry.JPG)
Saturday was a busy one. We ran into the market for some last minute items and returned in time for Reynolds (the handyman) to begin working on placing bars over the front windows and replacing some termite riddled boards in the front room and back hall. Shortly thereafter, the Beinamens showed up for our excursion to Autley (or Ottley) Hall where we planned to spend half a day swimming & relaxing. Leaving Reynolds in charge, we made the long walk over to Autley and spent an enjoyable afternoon snorkling, swimming and relaxing. We then returned home (in the heat of the day) to find Reynolds still working away. Amid the construction, we took showers and ate a hasty meal before attending the Easter Vigil service. The service was wonderful & did much for our morale. The liturgy was standard but the music was upbeat and folksy and just plain fun. I really liked it.
Sunday was a different story. We didn't arrive at church as early as we wanted so we had to hoist the banner that Deb had made for Easter in front of a "packed house". [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/easter-banner.JPG)To make things even more unruffling, Desreen, a young 13 year old we have casually befriended, had to make her recognition of us know to use so with a loud "SSSSSSSST" she called for our attention. To digress a moment, no doubt I have already mentioned that the local youngsters like to call to us by our first names. Presumably because they can call us by first names which is taboo in general society. Anyway, they call for no apparent reason other than for recognition. Not a "good morning" or "Hello" just yell your name incessantly until you acknowledge them. Then, a dumb staring smile and that's all. I've been saying "Yes?" or "Well?" to them insinuating that I am making inquiries as to why they called but it has hardly put them off. Anyway, Desreen is no exception, church not withstanding and has unabashedly called out to us wherever we are. It's both embarrassing and vexing. Anyway, to press on...after a shakey start, we got settled in only to notice that after last night's "mass baptism" (infant) again there was a whole other group of tots to be baptized. One infant had obvious physical disabilities which bummed out both Deb and I for several reasons. First, is the shear number of children in this country that bring on visions of a Malthusian holocaust. I find it incredible that any rational, intelligent and loving person could bring such numbers of children into such a bleak & currently unforgiving situation. No one seems to know why females of this country are so incessant in their production of children. I find it personally very distressing and almost distasteful.
Second, it becomes fairly obvious that these women are both young and unwed. They rather blithely offer up their bastard children to God ( as is their duty) but with full intent of continuing to produce children in large numbers by several men and without benefit of marriage. Such self indulgence and outright disrespect for God's laws seems blasphemous. And for Deb & I to immediately judge these young mothers as blights against God, brings a concurrent feeling of guilt for having so judged them. As Christians, we are both appalled by such behavior as well as horrified at our lack of love and charity. Perhaps it is our love for them that brings on such pity and horror at their behavior and blatant disrespect for God. I don't know. Though I don't want to sound like one of those Jerry Falwell right-wing extremists, I can't help but be disturbed by the cycle which is perpetuated, and sins which are perpetuated, by these young mothers.
So Deb and I sat through our Easter Sunday service. Knowing the hypocrisy yet feeling bad for judging. We were feeling almost miserable and very far from joyous after church. Christ is risen. He died for our sins yet we still don't listen and almost mock him in the remembrance of his passion. What a struggle it was. As soon as we were outside the convent grounds, Deb & I saw a small toddler with a terrible herniated umbilicus, which sent Debbie into tears. At home we both shared a good cry about being in St V. Another round of why questions and yearning to go home now, followed. We both know that our suffering (pain) is only the acknowledgment of His Presence, a reminder of His dominion over us. We despair so often that I suddenly know that I too, I'm no better than those unwed mothers. But it's so hard. Gad's, I wonder, will we ever muddle through this mess? The rest of the Easter Sunday was better. I talked briefly with Mom and Dad and had a lengthy conversation with Hol and Todd. Our dinner, though not as spectacular as our Christmas extravaganza, was tasty. Sunday evening we visited the Duncans and swung by the Bienemans so that Deb could call her folks (no luck, they, the Bienamens weren't in. On the return home, we stopped at the West End Fantasia to listen to some "pan" music (there's Desrene again). We got home just in time to listen to the Ambassadors Club roar to life after months of quiescence. Wonderful.
Monday (yesterday) we went to Bequia and had our usual lazy, touristy day. The only bad thing was that we managed to get burned to a crisp (I think my nose will fall off). We returned home to find that ant's had invaded our foodstuffs (typical) and Deb came down with the diarrhea that I had been fighting all day. You see, things get back to normal quickly. Our longest holiday was over.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/03-83-bequia.JPG)
# 12/4/83
Well my nose didn't fall off and though we are peeling now, it was nice (in retrospect) to soak up all that sun. We didn't get as much sun this weekend but we had a different weekend just the same.
Deb brought home Alan who is a 13-year-old patient of hers. He has been in the hospital for almost a year now. Both his legs were severely broken when a pile of blocks fell on him. The attending Orthopedics man Dr. Hudson was the same doctor who shortly thereafter took a permanent vacation out of here leaving all his patients "in the lurch". Since he was Dr Hudson's patient, Alan was not treated after Dr Hudson left. Even though the staff knew he wasn't coming back, they didn't reassign his patients. Meanwhile, Alan had two mal-union fractures that needed orthopedic attention. He wasn't treated until Dr Harvey arrived in February. Harvey did an amputation on the worst leg and plans to do a bone graft for the other. Anyway, Alan has been at KGH for a long time. Deb & I thought he might like a break and come over for a day. Leave the hospital behind for a while.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/alan-at-kgh.JPG)
It was a very low-key visit. Alan isn't very talkative and he's difficult to understand when he does speak. Spent most of the day sitting and watching the sea or reading magazines. We put him to work helping us bake cookies and fix dinner (pizza). I kind of like the guy and we will, no doubt, have him over again. The only tense situations were in wheeling him over and having the children visit. The indifference that some Vincentians have for other people sometimes themselves is amazing. At the Special Olympics a few weeks back, the bleachers were packed with folks who came to watch, not because of the inspiration gotten from watching those with handicaps enjoy themselves and compete, but simply to laugh at the "gimps", "retards" and "weirdos" out in the field. It hurts. And betrays a callousness I cannot fathom. Anyway, Alan's amputation was no exception and many kids came by to see "the boy". Outside of that, and the initial discomfort in having a silent visitor in the house, we had a good day.
We got a letter from another PCV yesterday. Alan Gamble wrote us about the PCVs in Dominica. It was nice to hear about them all and to know that they are doing well. It triggered another round of soul searching for me though. I'm still struggling with the lack of activity in the job and guilt I feel for not doing much. I just feel that if God brought me 6,000 miles to St. V, he brought me here to do or learn something special. I'm trying to figure out what that is. Round and round I go (where I'll stop only God knows). Stemming from that feeling is also a bout of homeless sickness. Gads I wish that would go away. I'm tired!
# 18/4/83
Seems I'm always tired. it's Monday (wonderful) and I'm plugging along. Deb and I had a very interesting weekend. Very busy and most curious.
For the past two weeks or so Deb has been complaining of a persistent itch and rash. this being her first encounter with tropical living (mine too). She attributed it to high humidity and heat. Not so. It seems she brought an uninvited guest home with her from the hospital. The guest was scabies. A tiny mite which burrows into the skin and clings to clothing. We spent a long three and a half days boiling our clothes and spreading lotion all over us (it burns). Even after such an industrious undertaking, we're still not sure if we eliminated them all. I have some suspicious looking spots. Gads how I hate this place sometimes. I hope we were successful. Nothing takes the fun out of life more than standing over a kettle of boiling clothing in the tropical heat. For two cents I would have abandoned the whole place, and went home.
That thought has been closer to reality than usual. For some reason, I just lose it from time to time. I can't stand it and I want to run screaming into the streets and assault someone so that I'll be sent home. I have noticed that being sent home, for whatever reason, is much more appealing than choosing to go home. I don't want to make that decision. It's too painful and difficult. I have been avoiding the question, or actually, the answer since I arrived. Yes, I want to go home. The next question is when. Dec. is not quite near enough, yet, I think of all sorts of dreadful things that could happen which would require us to go home. A serious illness or even death to a family member is a "ticket home". Schizophrenia sets in when you desire a calamity for a ticket home and immediately feel guilty about even thinking such a thing. My fear is that something will happen and I'll become nearly crazy with remorse for wishing it into existence. Wheels within wheels. A possible negative experience lurks behind every longing. You could really become paranoid! I think I have!
Milestones, we always need milestones. I'm looking ahead to the new PCVs who will be here at the end of next month. Following that, it will be the 6-month reunion in St Lucia. 4th of July will be a milestone of sorts because it is on the downhill side of the year. Deb hasn't heard from Min of Health about B-dos trip at the end of July/Early August (another nice break in the action, hopefully, for us both). October we have tentatively planned a tour of the islands Antigua, Saint Kitts/Nevis, and Dominica. May throw in Anguilla too. We want to see all the PC islands. There is no rush to see them this year, except that our discomfort is the most intense now. Following our three plus weeks of vacation in January and December we will return to less than 11 months of service left. No doubt we'll still need a break. We plan to take one week off every two and a half months until COS. Our money is going for a trip to Europe (or at least, England) after COS and before Christmas of 1984 (just another year!)
Why so much planning? Well the answer is obvious (at least to me). I need to have something to look forward to so I can survive the current discomfort. It tends to soften my impulsive urges to flee. I learn to endure the unendurable for a 3-week respite in SLC in December. In short it's the old "spinach before the ice cream" theory. Though I want to go now, first I need to take my lumps.
Though I am loath to choose to go home, I wouldn't blame myself much (there's a danger). Better people than I have failed to maintain it in this culture. Med students, doctors, pastors and PCVs have left simply because they couldn't handle it. They weren't bad people (as far as I know). Some of them are, no doubt, quite successful stateside. Because of my turmoil and anxiety I can understand how a person could ET. What I have trouble understanding is why (or how) some folks amble through their PC experience without any apparent discomfort. It's as though they were still in Des Moines, IA or Findlay,OH. Nonplussed by their change of culture they simply keep on going about their business as if nothing had changed. It is those people who are total enigmas to me. Granted, they are few in number but the fact that they are there at all is flabbergasting and frustrating. when you Say how unhappy you are with the current situation they just look at you unbelievably with a slight hint of sadness and say "Oh really?". I'd like to punch one out, sometime.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/97q83-deb-at-kgh-5.JPG)
# 22/4/83
Friday is always a cause for celebration. After a dismal and shaky start, the week has ended up okay. I broke out of my phobia and actually saw the people I wanted to see. I am still reluctant to move though. Seems I just rather sit than get out and do something. Maybe I'm just lazy. But really I feel like building a house. Doing something I know I do well and that I know I can complete. This ambiguity can be frustrating.
Got good/bad news this week. The reunion in St Lucia has been postponed until July (or whenever, probably August, knowing the PC). But, Dr Harvey is planning a charter for mid-June and this time Deb and I are first on his list. I don't know the cost but it should shouldn't be more than $600 (I hope) we are "off season" now (at least for tourists) and should get a local rate. So though on again off again it looks like we'll be busy in June with new PCVs a long vacation and Carnival. That ought to make the month very short.
God's given us quite a blessing in the last couple of letters. one from UofU Med Center PT's and one from Zion Lutheran "gang". Just when I needed it. I have been suffering lately. It's been largely my own fault but I have been wallowing in self-pity over being here. I felt alienated and disjointed. I felt unwanted. In short I have been very unhappy here. So then along comes these letters telling us how much we are missed and how we are inspirational people. How we are doing more for people than people stateside are. How we are putting our money where our mouths are in terms of "ministry" and "service". Though it's very prideful, though I will lack any humility whatsoever I enjoyed feeling special again. I enjoyed being of use to someone, inspiring them, changing them. I suddenly realized that even though I may not make a difference here, I may make a difference back there. Even though I am not appreciated here, I am appreciated stateside. It helps me to put this experience in better perspective. Though it doesn't cure my desire to go home, it at least soothes some of the symptoms. At the depth of my despair, He comes through for me.
I often wonder at just what is my problem here. I don't like to work. I'm not fond of going out on the street to be stared at like an alien creature. Though I do find some peace at home and in my garden, there are still barking dogs and noisy kids to deal with. But outside of just being different the setting is not so difficult. Well, yes there are some difficulties but not nearly as bad as I make them out to be. Sometimes (60 70%), they really get to me, the rest of the time I'm content. Extending my contentment is the challenge. But I don't know what causes that. This whole contentment thing is just one big, looming question. I'm not sure the answer would come any easier if I was stateside.
But I need to find some peace and contentment here. Otherwise, I will continue to let my resolve be undermined by all of the things I dislike about being here. At least I need to find that so I can maintain for the next 6 months or so. Then I can reflect on it all I want in the luxury of home, in SLC.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/02-84-owia-salt-flats-windward-side.JPG)
# 3/5/83
Two weeks. OECS training consumed the last week. It was a nice break. It was very nice to be with the old "gang" again. I realized how well I've gotten to know some of the folks in the PS. I really like that first group. Hope we can get together again. This week is short and free. Free in that I don't have to be in training since there is no OECS training going on. That will be in the two following weeks. But already this week, some concrete things are happening in the job arena. Early this morning I met with Mr King at UWI. We are going to work on some private sector programs in management techniques: acctg, mktg, etc and personnel and personal development. Perhaps a training of trainers program. Mr King talks a good game, so to speak, so I am cautious about follow-through. He was also in PR and it's difficult to determine just when he is selling his program versus selling himself. But he's organized some good things at the UWI and I think he is sincere in his professed need for my services. I know the UWI is hard-pressed for cash so that fact that I am free is a pretty sure bet that I'll be used.
As for another project, Mr Blackman, CIDA rep, met with me this afternoon about this Manpower Inventory project they are doing. He is very much a facilitator rather than a leg man. He gave me a set of forms, a few general instructions, $200 (BDOS) and let me set the date of completion (end of June). I'm surprised at his laissez-faire attitude but understand his ambiguity. It was a lesson for me. Let people set their own goals then make them stick to it. Anyway, Jill and I will determine who to see and how and I will go do the interviews. The $200 B is to defray costs for transport and meals, supplies, etc. I still need to find out costs and limits on spending. I can't imagine how to spend all that. I'm feeling very uncomfortable with the money part of the deal.
The job front , in general, has shown great Improvement lately. As I said before, I have broken out of my phobia in dealing with this whole experience. In specific, dealing with this bureaucracy. I'm still reluctant but that reluctance is diminishing. at least for now. the Manpower inventory will force me out into the industrial sector. My comfort and greater rapport with staff will make getting the job descriptions done an easier task. Fortunately the phobia disappeared before the training program began. Otherwise it would have been more difficult for me to determine just what did reduce my anxiety. This way I know it was me conquering my own fears.
Talked to Mom on the phone on Sunday (also Hol and Dad). It was wonderful to hear their voices. Mom concerned me in that she said "come home" about five words into the conversation. Fortunately I had gotten my head together earlier in the week. Otherwise, with the despair I had been feeling a few weeks ago I might have booked passage home. God has protected me well from such decisions. I have been up when Deb has been down and vice versa. Even when Mom was down I happened to be up. Things are looking better. Amazingly so.
Sailing trip is firming up for June. it's still on and Dr Harvey is still committed to go. It may span 5 weekdays so that Deb and I would be away from work for 9 days. No complaint there in fact that is growing on me to where the possibility of it aborting our Oct. island-hop plans is not of great concern. I think we both need a vacation, a long one. Even if it only takes us as far as the Grenadines it will be a nice mid-year break. A breather to help us survive until we go home in December.
Mom is still planning to come visit and she has gotten as far as getting a price (~$800 US) and talking to Sharon Miller about going. Still don't know when it is, not even a tentative date. No doubt it will be sometime in the summer. Hopefully it will begin to rain enough to keep things cool for her without ruining their stay. Well, we'll see. Went to a party yesterday at Dick and Ann's. Kind of a house warm, COS, May Day party. Most interesting were the Blakes, a Baha'i couple living here in St V. I didn't have a chance to talk to Jim but Lisa and I talked our brains out. About the states and living in St V. It's always nice to get a fresh perception of this place, even if it is a similar view. I enjoy my contacts with folks from developed countries. We also met and talked with Dennis, a French volunteer and David, from Scotland. Interesting viewpoints and opinions from them both.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/LReimage.png)
# 19 May 1983
Been busy with training last two weeks so I haven't had time to make entries. Not a whole heck of a lot has gone on. I hate such a long span of time because specifics kind of dwindle into a hazy smudge. Things are at a kind of tentative "hold" right now, feelings and physical activity.
Sitting in on training is nice for three reasons. First, it allows me legitimate time out from work. Second it helps me to get to know more folks in the P.S. Third, it allows me to observe some professional training. For all these reasons, and for some that are "hidden", I have enjoyed the training.
I've been feeling a need for a "time out" lately. I needed to do some reorganizing and alternative planning for my job. I needed to come to grips with the reality of me working here. I needed to explore options. Basically I needed a chance just to sit and think about my situation here. Not so much cultural things but rather my job and my need to feel needed. I've been feeling quite superfluous lately.Like a branch without a tree to hang from. I know I have skills (many). I know I want to contribute to the development process in St Vincent. I've been trying to decide how best to do that. As an HR professional it is an excellent opportunity for me to apply my own theories to my own situation. How to maximize the use of myself in the situation at hand. So far I've done a fairly pathetic job of it. But I am learning so much about myself in the process. It may help me to be more effective back home.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-breakfast.JPG)
The second reason, for attending the training to meet the staff, has paid off somewhat in terms of me feeling more a part of the organization. It's nice to be able to recognize and say hello to folks in different departments. The only negative aspect I can think of is that I begin to want to do too much to help. I can completely identify with the situation. The despair. The demotivation. I feel it. I know it and I can think of about 50 ways to go about trying to correct it. I get frustrated in knowing that I can do so little to change attitudes in the 18 months I have left. But I want so much to change those attitudes because I care so much for the folks I'm working with. I get to leave voluntarily in 18 months. They either have to leave, stick it out miserably or change the attitude of the organization. With a lot of pushing, brainwashing and a change of government the P.S. may become responsive to public needs. Lastly, I need more exposure to training. I need to do more training so I can become a full-fledged, real life trainer. I still feel like a trainee trainer. The thought of teaching a class in practical economics and a training of trainers program almost freezes me with fear. I'll have to put my money where my mouth is. I do and don't particularly like the idea. It will make me a trainer, or show if I can be one but it will almost certainly show how bad a trainer I am. I am out on a limb risking again and I'm worried about the cracks that are appearing behind me.
Speaking of risks, etc that was part of my work phobia problem. Perhaps the largest part. I've been thinking this phobia thing over and over trying to determine just what caused the whole thing. I thought at first it was just the over emphasizing with the despair felt by many public service employees. But then I thought it was a learned helplessness kind of thing: me repeatedly asking for something or being promised something without receipt. Now I'm beginning to think it's just plain fear of failure. Feeling the risk of wandering into ambiguous territory without a map. What tipped me off was that I had a rush of phobia after committing myself to some programs at the UWI. Same feeling, same response. so perhaps my lack of initiative was is due to biting off more than I can chew. Now that I've bitten off even more I'm really feeling panicky. But on the positive side, the fear is almost so big that I must necessarily put it aside for fear of being overwhelmed. Kind of a “Damn the torpedoes Full speed ahead†sort of thing. Hopefully none will score a direct hit.
Death has been haunting me lately, not my own but of a loved one. Perhaps it's because another PCV was sent home for a funeral and that one of the OECS trainers did likewise. Deb's grandmother had a mild stroke and was almost fully recovered when the letter reached us. All these happenings only increases my anxiety about being so far away from family. Granted there is nothing I could do if I was stateside but it's just getting the info second, third or fourth hand that is unsettling. I won't rest easy until I do go home.
Mom's request on the phone for us to return home, was followed by a written request. Apparently my letters about suffering for Christ touched off of a lot of concern back home. both Mindy and Dad sent letters questioning the theology of the statement. Mindy was also piqued at my criticisms of the RC Church. So I have been writing home furiously to dispel any rumor of my martyrdom down here. Actually I was playing the Martyr bit somewhat overly so the actual situation. I had really separated my suffering from the object or reason for that suffering. Christ himself. Now Christ isn't asking me to have a lousy time in his name. Nor can I be assured that I am pleasing him and doing his will if I am having a lousy time. Yet that seems to be the philosophy I've been operating under. Deb and I (especially me) have put a lot of work and faith into putting the joy back into our difficult times. That's where we went wrong. We failed to see that our serving Him, even while suffering, is cause for joy. Joy and Peace. So I'm trying to change my thinking now. To include him in my suffering so that the concurrent pain is diminished. Actually I should give up my worry and pain (suffering) to Him. This is been my failure and a turn around has occurred in the realization.
That doesn't mean however that my troubles with living here are over. There are still many things which complicate my life more so than in the states and that I would rather do without. But we're passing some real milestones the next month or so and with increased involvement on the job front it may be Christmas sooner than I think. gads, I hope so.
Keith Paulson has returned to St. V for a 3 to 4 month stay to work on local applications of appropriate technology. He brought much news from Barbados. That Robert Rivas had ET'ed (#8) and that our 6-month conference is now scheduled for August. Actually that's okay with me. We have firmed up our sailing plans for June 15th to 20th. Carnival will be 26th through July 5th and Deb still has a possible rehab conference in Barbados the end of July, early August. We also plan to fly to Dominica after our conference in St Lucia so we'll get a bit more travel in. Gads with August gone, will be busy preparing to visit the U.S. So things have a positive forward flow. Hopefully a fast one.
# 25/5/83
I always like to begin the week with a surprise. This morning I found out that my boss has been transferred to the Min. of Comm & Works and that the MCW PS is now the DFS. Sounds like musical ministries to me. One problem is that Henry (the old boss) was the "prime mover" behind this job description exercise and with him gone the project may be prematurely finished. The other hassle is just in getting used to a new supervisor or even determining whether or not he should be my supervisor since I'm doing little which impacts directly on the DFS anyway. It was a "relationship of convenience" before. I would rather work with Mrs Soso the Chief Personnel Officer (more logical & similarity in task). I do want to do more training, so attachment to Establishment/Services Commission/Personnel would be a logical choice. But logic is rarely a justification of a decision here. Mostly I'm going to kick back, do this CIDA project and then tackle the new situation. The exciting vagarities of PS life.
Deb and I went to Mustique yesterday. It was rainy and overcast most of the day but enough sun peaked through to give us some color.[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/05-83-mustique-excursion-grenadine-star.JPG) Actually I liked the long (2 ½ hr) boat ride though I could have done without the brain jelling, super amplified music and the crowd of people. But I did enjoy the trip. There is a freedom on the sea which brings a deep inner peace. A peace of just being there. So I really like the ocean and look forward to our sailing excursion on June 15th (or so). As for the island of Mustique, well it's unbelievable. The houses are big and beautiful. Meticulously maintained and well looked after. The whole environment there is so much more pristine and clean. Even the public toilets were a marvel. It was the perfect resort island just like you see on postcards or travel brochures. But Deb and I wonder what the local people do to survive. What work is there on Mustique besides domestic stuff? We didn't see a store or a shop. No car rental agencies, gas stations etc. They could have been and probably were well hidden but we wonder about the oppression or poverty which may exist there. Are there opportunities for the local people to improve themselves and their island?
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-mustique-5.JPG)
Deb and I have given this oppression thing a lot of thought. We wonder about the perpetuation of that oppression here in Saint V. The poverty, the unemployment, it seems to stem from efforts of outside agencies to correct problems here. There is a "learned helplessness" that began with the British and is now perpetuated by the current government in power. Our assistance, rather than liberating, only builds dependence. And the government is a partner in that by poorly utilizing donated resources so that more resources need to be donated. It is a structural problem too. Governments work with governments where it should be people working with people. The bureaucratic deals with the bureaucrat and the poor continue to suffer. Peace corps, and other agencies (even development agencies with the St. V gov't structure) should begin their needs assessment at the level of the people. Generate issues with the people. Develop strategies for implementing with the people. Provide the necessary skills plus training to do the job. Squeeze money locally where existing human and material resources can't make it then, and only then, fund externally. A loan most preferable in projects which generate income and a "grant with a promise" in those circumstances where future income is too uncertain to guarantee repayment. The promise being a repayment "in kind". That is, that one town, village etc, must assist the neighboring village in a similar project in order to repay the "loan". This seems the most oft overlooked area: a specific time limit must be established beyond which no further assistance will be given except in extreme cases of drought, hurricane, natural disasters. Finally, someone, sometime has to begin to coordinate the development activities of outside organizations. In country staffing may be a bit of a financial strain so a multinational body may want to sponsor overseeing the development process though a local should be an integral part of the staff. In this way common goals, approaches and time frames can be established and monitored so that the current practice of going from "door to door" as funding is exhausted can be stopped. Now all of that is pretty dry stuff in terms of “setting the world on fire†type of development work but what we, we as Peace Corps volunteers, VSOs or whatever's need to do is to break out of continued perpetuation of the problems by us providing continued "interim" help. We must begin the practice of understanding through communication with the people we are supposed to be helping. and set limits on that help (e.g. time)
On our trip to Mustique, there was a colony of bizarre looking houses on Bequia. It looked as though they had been abandoned for several years but architecturally, structurally they were beautiful. Yet they stood abandoned and overgrown. Dreams lost? And why?
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/7c6image.png)
Near Mustique there is an enormous cruise ship driven on the rocks perhaps a mile from shore. You could imagine her grandeur at her prime. People gaily strolling the decks in the Caribbean sunshine. Perhaps kissing and under a huge West Indian moon hung high above. Yet there she lay now. Rusted, split, with a gaping hole in her side. Dreams again lost. Was it planning that went astray? Good direction gone bad? My fear is that our attempts at development here in St. V. will be found, in ruins years later. Forgotten, rusted hulks. The last quivering outlines of our dreams.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/02-83-antilles.JPG)
# 27/5/83
Been leafing through this journal of 6+ months. Our 6-month anniversary is next Saturday and I've been trying to get a handle on the goods and bads of this experience. It's a difficult process simply because good and bad are relatively subjective. My goods and bads are different from Debbie's and from everybody else's for that matter. Even my "standard" continues to evolve over time so that I'm not even sure what's good and bad at least outside of God's moral will. Now it's time (or almost time) to do a quarterly evaluation since we are 1/4 through our 2-year commitment. I've been holding off on our newsletter just so we could spend time (Deb and I) sharing the pluses and minuses of being here. Reviewing this journal, one stark reality has hit me. In terms of being able to deal with being here, I haven't changed much. That in itself is a bit depressing. I have changed, but not much. And certainly the transition hasn't been as easy as it appears for some others. This place is a shock. Not just visually or viscerally but psychologically. I'm really feeling it. Deb and many others say that I am too analytical. That's true. But what I'm trying to do is to determine the source of my psychic discomfort. Would I be as overwrought over my job if I was stateside? Would I handle my frustration in the same way? Would I be as reluctant to get on with it if I was in a stateside organization? What is it I don't like anyway? I could go on. It would help me answer a big question: are your feelings and frustrations the same as they would be at home? Perhaps it's unanswerable. Since I don't have much of an HR job history in the states, the answer is at least difficult. Maybe I'll never be able to answer it. That in itself is a question.
Yes I'm feeling bleah and strung out. Maybe it's the full moon. Perhaps lunacy is my problem. Perhaps I need to learn to take things more lightly. But that's difficult to do since I condemn Vincentians for not taking the situation here seriously enough. If there were more thinkers like me, perhaps things would improve. The people would all be near crazed like me, but things might improve.
As a release, I've been thinking about writing a book (seriously). Something I could look forward to doing on a regular basis. Maybe my anxiety would find a healthy outlet in such an endeavor. My biggest problem is that I don't know how to write or even begin such an ambitious endeavor. Well, it's always a thought.
Job change is a very real possibility and something I might lobby for when and if this job switch of my boss takes place and I meet with Mr Marshall. I'm hoping something positive happens on that front because when this CIDA project is done I'll be back to square one on my job description endeavor.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/pete-at-pc-office.JPG)
# 30/5/83
Had a nice busy weekend. Friday night there was a wine tasting & Cheese party at Cal & Joanne's. Very well attended, especially for a PC function. Must've been 30 plus people there. I got fairly blasted.[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/wine-and-cheese-party.JPG) It's never a good idea to mix several different types of wines from Boone's Farm to Liebfraumilche. But it was fun, fun, fun and now I finally met all the PCVs here in St V.
Saturday night there was a farewell party at Mrs Douyon's (cocktails and dinner). She is such a wonderful person and the perfect hostess. Sitting on her back porch sipping martinis felt a bit too much like "home". Reminders like that are vaguely unsettling not because of the feelings but because of the place. Makes me want to go home so I can feel those things within proper surroundings.
Sunday we got up to Duncan's to visit and to meet the new PCV's staying there. It's nice not to be a rookie anymore. I tend to chatter-box a bit too much and not listen enough. Sounds almost like Cliff & Marie. Anyway, Dave & Max seem like nice enough guys and seem to be relieved to be here. They had similar complaints about Jamaica. Hot, dirty, uncomfortable. I guess even Sligoville gets warm this time of year. They were glad to leave there and seemed as happy as we are to be here rather than there. We only talked to them briefly while we rambled with Lanie & Alfie and tried to placate Hildred. We'll be having the welcoming party at our house this Saturday so we'll get more of a chance to talk about St V, Jamaica and training. We move one step forward in completing our service here.
We saw "On Golden Pond" last night. And saw is very descriptive since the audience was so noisy that we couldn't hear much of the dialogue. Very vexing but such immaturity is no surprise. The lack of interpersonal sensitivity is a major problem here and is evidenced by people being unable or unwilling to emphasize with touching movies like "On Golden Pond" (Kung Fu movies are popular and understandably so. They require no emotional input). Anyway, the movie itself triggered lots of homesick responses within me and reconnected me with the importance of relationships in our lives. In this country where relationships are shallow and immature for the majority such a movie was a juxtaposition of cultures. Interesting perspective. It made me wonder too about Dad & Mom and how important my relationship with them is. Though they are not immortal, it's difficult for me to conceive of losing one or the other of them. And perhaps the moral of the movie is that a solid relationship can even transcend death. It is better to have had a loving relationship and lost it, than to have never shared in that experience at all. That the "risk" of building a relationship is far less than the tremendous loss of losing a father or mother and having never known them. A word of wisdom for the Vincentians.
# Shaken and stirred...
There are many realities to living in a developing country and some of them can be frightening.
# 6/6/83
I'm sitting here like the usual vegetable that I am on Monday mornings. Not exactly sure why I am so "burnt" today. It was a busy weekend and perhaps I am feeling the effects of that. Last night I had a rather rough time with some Montezuma's Revenge of unknown etiology. I still feel kind of" bleah". This is no way to be starting the week.
Good news and" bad" news. Best part of the weekend was talking with Mom et. al. Actually we managed to talk to Todd for the first time in months and got caught up in the latest coming and goings in his life (and the status of my truck). Holly is going to be mighty busy with her wedding plans. She was hoping that Deb and I could move up our visiting date and come to the wedding. To complicate things further, my sister Jeni moved up her date to October 1st. With Deb's friend Vickie getting married on October 8th we could fly up and witness three weddings in 2 weeks. But that would be much too frantic a pace and we'd probably never see Debbie's folks in Meridian. So Hol will get married without us being there. The world moves on without us. Rats.
Also good was our welcoming party we had for the EC-34s. As we counted them out, about 60 people came. That was mostly PCV's but it was also some VSOs, Vincentians, Canadians, French and a couple of folks from USAID. All told it was a heck of a party. They ate and drank everything in sight. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/05-83-ec34-wecome-party-4.JPG) We didn't lose out too badly money-wise because Mark went round and collected a 'free will' offering. It really was a nice time.
We did have a dark cloud in addition to torrential rains. We learned that Liz Stephens had been raped. By no other than our Island tour bus driver, Kelly. After receiving conflicting counsel from Peace Corps, she has decided to prosecute. We are 100% behind her. But her rape, and that of Lisa, Marion and a couple of other PC women brings up a lot of questions. Like what kind of legal and other support can raped PCVs expect from P.C., what is P.C. doing to equip PCVs with the ability to defend themselves? What is the proper procedure in dealing with a rape? The more we talked about it, the less we felt P.C. was doing to act as our advocate in such matters. So we want to press the issue a bit. We are tired of being left in the dark and in receiving no or little support from the P.C. or the US government. I'm worried to death about Debbie's safety and we found out that the man who beat Guy nearly to death before raping Marion is still on the loose. After 2 years. Needless to say our security about living in Edinboro has been shattered and Debbie and I thought, and are thinking seriously of an E.T. Anyway, emotions are running high and people are looking for something to be done. Mostly we want Elizabeth to know that we support her.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/W9Bimage.png)
# 13/6/83
We spent most of yesterday trying to assure her of that. Guy & Marion called a special meeting of a small number of concerned PCV's to talk with Elizabeth. Fact was that P.C. in B'dos received a letter from Lisa stating her concern over her safety in remaining here. Apparently (and stupidly I think, though I was tempted to do the same) she wrote "Rapist" across Kelly's van with red paint (watercolor). She also "attacked" the van when it pulled up to Liz's house one afternoon. She hasn't reacted well to Liz's rape because I don't think she ever resolved her own. In Lisa's case, the man was a Gov't official (her supervisor) and P.C. never pressed prosecuting the man. I think that left Lisa with a lot of bad feelings that she still needs to express. Likewise for Marion. Anyway, Lisa's actions and Liz's lifestyle convinced P.C. B'dos that there was a real threat to her security. So they ordered her and Lisa off the island. Lisa is taking an early COS but Liz doesn't want to even leave St Vincent. That was last night's issue. Liz wanted to stay and we as a group of concerned PCV's had to decide if her decision was prudent and rational. If so, how were we going to support her? We decided, among other things, to support Liz in her decision to stay by threatening to "walk" out of here if P.C. retaliated by issuing a "field" COS (that essentially divorces you from P.C. on the spot no plane tickets, no help, no nothing..). Well after an hour+ ( $120) on the phone with Tom Ferguson (P.C. area director who is very persuasive, by the way) Liz decided to leave the island for a limited amount of time. 10 days. She is leaving her belongings and her sister (I think) behind to guarantee her return. Her fear (and our fear too) was that they would her get off the island, prevent her from returning and eventually get her stateside. That, in that way, the whole thing could be forgotten. Apparently, a similar thing happened with Lisa in Dominica. She was taken off the island, transferred to St Vincent and the matter was forgotten. I guess the bottom line is that no one trusts P.C. and we were not willing to risk Elizabeth on a vague promise to return her when things "cooled down". But in the end we had to trust them. But as Guy said "I barely trust them now. If they blow it this time I will have no trust for them". So now all we can do is wait. Wait until things cool down. wait until Tom Ferguson comes to visit.
I have a mixed response to all of this. First, I really have concerns about Debbie's safety. With carnival coming on and all this recent furor about P.C. women being raped it wouldn't take much for some loony (of which there are many here) to put 2 & 2 together and get 5 and rape somebody. That is my most overwhelming concern. For Debbie's and my (Guys assailant is still loose) safety. Second, I've got some reservations about P.C. sincerity. I just don't trust them. I can't really explain it. I just feel like something is being covered up (Watergate syndrome) or left out. Sure diplomacy is important in a case like this, but still we need some answers and some reassurances about our concerns and PC isn't providing any. I have trouble with that. I don't feel comfortable. We are going to press for Tom F. to come and talk to us. Soon. Meantime, we just have to hope and pray that nothing else happens.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/01-83-soufriere-3.JPG)
# 24/6/83
Time to catch up. Deb & I got back yesterday from 4 blissful days sailing in the Grenadines. It was probably the most enjoyable experience I have had since we left the US 8+ months ago. More decadent than our overnight at the Pegasus in Kingston. Relaxing, peaceful. Ahhh what a life that could be.
We pulled out on Sunday afternoon at 12:30 p.m. Preparations were harried as we cleaned out the fridge and shut it off. Closed the house up tight. We brought enough food to feed an army and managed to stow it with the other ton of food brought by the other two couples. Then we shoved off for Mustique. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-mustique-2.JPG) We arrived about 3 hours later. The sea was pretty rough, the winds, light, which made for a very rolling ride. I was uncomfortable but didn't get sick. Likewise for Debbie. But Judy Zerah, who is 1½ months pregnant, didn't fair quite as well. Her sickness didn't help me any. But we managed to get to Mustique without too much difficulty. Since I had been there before I didn't feel much like walking around that evening so Deb and I did some swimming and I snorkeled a bit. Dinner took forever to make and cook on the grill and we finally had to cook it in the oven. So much for an outdoor barbecue. Next morning, after wrestling with an overly warm bunk, rains and a few mosquitoes, Deb and I took a casual walk about Mustique. We then shoved off for the Tobago Cays.
The Cays were simply beyond verbal description. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-sailing-sunset.JPG)Absolutely beautiful and peaceful. The reefs were many and each offered something different. I spent hours in the water that afternoon. Blue blue waters and searingly white beaches. It was paradisiacal. Idyllic. Just like the stereotypical scenes from a Caribbean cruise book. I brought up conch (ate it too) and the coral was everywhere! Again, it's too beautiful to describe. It was my favorite stop. We didn't do much else but swim though [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-sailing-deb-2.JPG)Deb and some of the others visited the nearby islands (easy swimming distance). Dinner produced a passable spaghetti (even if the noodles turned the glue). Next morning was more swimming and snorkeling. The sleeping conditions were much more conducive with a strong steady breeze blowing all night, a sky full of stars, nearly full moon and very calm anchorage. I could use more nights of sleep like that.
Mid-morning we set out for petite St Vincent which turned out to be a fairly decent resort. [](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-tiny-island.JPG)Enroute we passed Sandy Island which is the stereotypical deserted desert island. It was about 50 ft across and had one palm tree, one palm leaf umbrella and one lounge chair. Absolutely amazing! But PSV was much more substantial. The whole island is a resort and though this is the off-season, they had a few guests. Petite Martinique, just across a short stretch of water, is in Grenada's waters. So we got to see Grenada. I guess we could have bought a case of evaporated milk for $25 EC. Bootlegging is a popular pastime down there. We pulled out of PSV after a few hours and made a short hop to Union Island. Union was totally unlike my preconception of it. I expected a flat dry island but the reality was a mountainous, lush country. It was beautiful. Granted we only saw a limited part of it but it was surprised by what I saw. We went to shore to gawk at the sharks,[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-shark-union-island.JPG) and wander around the combination marina and airport. The mosquitoes drove us out and back to the protection of the boat. Dinner went even better that night except for a brief interruption that came when we were driven up on the reef. Apparently the anchor never took a firm bite into the sand and it allowed us to drift into the reef. No damage though and Joe, our captain, got us quickly off and firmly tied to a permit permanent anchorage. We slept peacefully that night even if we did have visions of ending up on some beach in the morning.
Morning took us to Palm Island which is another resort island that I will always remember as having the largest mosquitoes of any island we visited.[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-sailing-5.JPG) The buildings and grounds were nice enough but the mosquitoes were terrible. I was glad when we shoved off for Bequia. It was a pretty long ride to Bequia but it was uneventful. When we reached Port Elizabeth, Deb and I were visited by Mr Fray, one of Debbie's ex-patients who lives on a boat and does scrimshaw for a living. She was happy to see him so well recovered. Joe our captain, slept on Bequia that night (it's home for him) so Deb and I got our first night of relative privacy in sleep (we slept in the galley area midship with Joe).
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-sailing-10.JPG) We had another restful night's sleep. Nice swim in the morning and another visit to Mr Fray aboard his boat "Prana" (all mahogany, beautiful).
Yesterday we got home. St Vincent looked more like the resort islands we had visited than we remembered. Somehow we managed to get all the finances organized and turns out it cost us $560 EC per couple which was about $25 US per day per person. It was unbelievable! I will always be thankful to Keith (Dr Harvey) for getting us such a good deal. So ends our story of the "Shawndarie". So now it's Friday and I'm back at work trying to get motivated to do something. My head is muddled with dreamy thoughts of our Caribbean cruise. The dogs and the next door neighbors kept me awake as I missed the solitude of the ocean and the soothing white noise combination of the wind singing through the rigging and the distant roar of the ocean crashing upon the coral. But there are things to be done and I must get to them!
# 6/7/83
Wow! time has flown. I'm still reeling from the intensely pleasurable sailing trip but also feeling a squeeze from the commitments I have made. The machinery is in place, I just need to get on with it.
The agribusiness training was interesting and may have some nice payoffs once I can get some other things out of the way (most notably the CIDA manpower project which is now a week late!) Basically, the training provided the analytical tools (a manual) to assess the feasibility of agribusiness projects. Biggest stumbling block to Third World development is not technical (most outside agencies are pounding at the door to supply technical expertise) but rather it is motivation & initiative that provides the bottlenecks to development. This however isn't given the regard it is due. People are so anxious to provide assistance that they don't look at the socio-cultural constraints. I have been preoccupied with just this issue. How do you develop entrepreneurial drive in a country where oppression rather than expression has been the rule? How do you educate Vincentians to take the responsibility and initiative in their own development? Especially in a situation where outside agencies are more than willing to do it for them. My stance of refusing to do anything for Vincentian development may be too pat, too naive. A certain amount of work must be done initially in order to get the ball rolling. The problem comes when the expectation is developed to keep it rolling. Our role as PCVs falls in between. Initiating but also finding a local person to carry the project after implementation. To my knowledge, not much emphasis has been placed on this. Not many development agencies work toward their own obsolescence. PC is close and actually may succeed in this respect on a few projects but this new emphasis on CBI and small business (and technical) development may create some unforeseen problems. I don't want to perpetuate dependence, but on the other hand, a society that lacks initiative is not going to initiate much development on its own at the grassroots level. The Gov't may do so to appear concerned with development or just to get some dollars to help with foreign exchange. But essentially, we have a development catch-22. The agribusiness focus is the correct one but then we are faced with finding those folks who want to start small to medium-sized agribusinesses. That's the catch. And if my experience is any indication, disseminating that info to those who need it is a slow, hit and miss process. My idea, for what it is worth, is to centralize that small business development effort. A Small Business Development Center would be ideal but both DevCo & Min of Home Affairs deal with that type of development yet haven't been successful to any large extent. But this option, agribusiness development, is a new and exciting alternative to the frustration of working here in finance. I plan to explore some of the possibilities.
For some unknown reason, I suddenly feel better about being here and working here. There hasn't been any awesome changes in my daily routine, just the subtle change of attitude. More positive perhaps? It's been a long time coming. I'm still not gung-ho on this job description project. It's too amorphous and too dependent on others. But a more task-oriented approach to smaller things might make life more bearable around here. I'm still teetering on the brink of change and still too pessimistic about how this government and culture function to say that things will be smooth sailing from now on, but I'm cautiously optimistic about my current feelings.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/06-83-sailing-9.JPG)
# 11/7/83
Monday first things first. Still riding the tide of optimism. My phobia about the phone calls I need to make for the CIDA project has passed but I still hate phone interviews. I remember when I did a similar type of survey stateside. I find it uncomfortable to deal head on with people I haven't met. I don't have that personable easy-going style that makes for successful "field" people such as interviewers, door to door salesman & insurance people. It takes a certain knack that I just don't have. Which might be a liability for aspirations for a personnel job. I "like" people, I just find it hard to be comfortable at the initial encounter. Anyway, the CIDA project is progressing even though it's not totally enjoyable. Doing things like this builds character.
Yesterday we had a hastily called meeting about rape and what to do. Also, the psychiatric social worker had a chance to debrief and defuse the situation a bit. We talked about feelings and communications gap. I got a bit too hung up on this lack of trust I feel for P.C. Paul, with the counselor's office, confronted me on that. Why don't I trust P.C.? Well, it's rather complicated. My trust has increased dramatically since the initial stages of this rape thing but because I have developed some philosophical grounds on which I base my development efforts which seem to run counter to the development strategies of P.C. I tend not to trust them. Actually the lip service that P.C. gives to development work parallels my philosophy, but the actual stand P.C. takes is different. So there is this lack of sincerity or coordination or intra-organization communication within P.C. Perhaps, and this is very possible, I don't understand the organization. It may be that we have a large, impersonal bureaucracy trying to deliver personal services. The bottom line is that I still don't trust them. Watergate paranoia? I don't know.
Back to this rape thing. We also got into confidentiality which is a non-entity within the Vincentian community and, to some extent, Peace Corps itself (reason for mistrust #2). How many women would go to the hospital casualty room for a rape exam, knowing that what happened would be broadcast throughout the community? It's a reality of living here but in uncomfortable one when you need secrecy to protect your peace of mind. For example, Judith Zerah told us about her pregnancy on the sailing trip. When we got home we told the Bienamens that Judith had been seasick but we felt that it was more due to her pregnancy then due to the rough sea (it was a passing comment too just a quick sideline in a conversation). They mentioned it to Dennis, a French CO who lives in Troumaca and he congratulated Mark Zerah when he saw them. Or, take the fact that we met a British VSO who asked us about our trip even though we never spoke to him or any other VSO about it. Amazing. News, particularly bad news, travels fast in this community. So, just getting someone to admit being raped, is tough. Turns out that five women have been raped here and one sexually assaulted in the past 10 years. Three have occurred in the past two weeks. One woman being raped twice in one week! Kind of blows the paradisal aspects of Caribbean living.
We have another meeting specifically about what to do about rape. Rape victims support, etc. it'll probably be a long one. But a necessary one.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/08-83-st-lucia-pigeon-island.JPG)
# 19/7/83
With the manpower inventory project behind me I once again face an uncertain future. I'm feeling more comfortable now. I feel I have made at least some contribution but now lacking any clear-cut assignment I again face the frustration of having nothing to do. For the next two weeks I'll be content to float. The new Deputy Financial Secretary will be busy with the budgeting process so I'll put off meeting with him until after I return from St Lucia and Dominica. Mr Gaines has also requested that I come over to MCW to help hammer out some problems, but that too can wait. Mostly I am content to rest. Then tackle whatever comes my way after August 8th.
It turns out the rape seminar was OK. It did more to relax my fears of indifference from P.C. Seems that in Washington DC at least, someone was concerned enough to act on our fears. The fact that the program was started at all seems to be an indication that P.C. Wash. is giving this more than just lip service. It's a step in the right direction. But my feelings of security have been shattered and I'll never be completely comfortable with Debbie being late or having a home visit to go to. Somehow though, we'll work this out. Liz is the one with the biggest challenge. Trials, lawyers, etc. Her hassles are just beginning.
I've been hassled lately with the resurgence of my smoking habit. I thought I had it licked and in a weak moment I relapsed. I haven't been able to kick it in the last 2 weeks, though I try. It's a wicked thing and hopefully I'll be done with it soon.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/83-sea-porch-view-7.JPG)
# 27/7/83
Still fighting but more in terms of boredom than anything else. The fact is, as it always is, that I suppose I could find something to do, yet I don't want to get involved with a project just to leave it next week while we are in St Lucia. The conference should be a good one and may well rejuvenate my flagging motivation. Many possibilities exist. In fact the possibility that I could change jobs completely and go into something dealing with marketing in agriculture. I also want to do some research in a couple of areas and I already sent out some letters, both stateside and in the region, seeking information and guidance. I'll just have to sit tight for a while and see what comes of it.
Having a lot of free time has allowed my mind to wander far afield. Mostly I've been back in the states. Imagining what I'll do when I return (job wise). Where will live or when we'll start having children. Memories of my own childhood have romped joyously through the summertime activities engaged in so long ago. Looking back, the experiences were so pristine and uncomplicated. Certainly more wondrous and delicious. Even my "heart breaking" adolescence is seen in a pure, naive, puppy love light. Those glorious rushes of emotion that pass over me like sunlight through the clouds. The spine tingling sensation of being so free and unfettered by responsibilities. And those summer smells! The rich, earthy smell of that arose as the sun baked off the morning dew. The music of bird's twittering and singing open the day. All this and much more has returned in my memory. Then the realization of being here in St Vincent pushes through those unreal memories of long past realities. Just this suddenly, I'm back!
But my mental excursions have not been without merit. I've put a lot of realtime in stumbling through a mass of readings about development work. I'm trying to come up with some sort of consensus about my philosophy in doing development work. I'm melding the liberation theology of Freire and the Puebla document with the liberation philosophy of Galbraith and my own observations about the success & failure of development work here in St Vincent. Something that authentically liberates both in terms of spiritual and economic liberation, but also is of practical application to the nature of human beings. The "shoulds" are endless but the real question is "would?" Would such a scheme really work? What is the reality and how can they be acted upon in a real manner? What is the nature of man that has placed us in such a position and how can that nature be exploited (if you will) to turn around the current conditions? I don't want to invent a new strategy. I want to take an existing reality, stand it on its head if necessary, and utilize it to upgrade development here. You can appeal to a Christian's sense of charity but what will the appeal actually yield? You can hammer home biblically based doctrine about charity, love and authentic liberation and outgrowth of true love, but given man's inherent sinfulness, what will be the result? Can we teach that the risk of selfless love is a small one? Is it possible to tap man's deepest fear, that of his own mortality, and utilize that to produce a life of selfless giving to authentic liberation? My own heart is troubled by those questions because of my own shortcomings as a Christian and development worker. So much needs doing here. The process of liberation and from liberation to growth will take years. Maybe decades and I am anxious to go. Though Christ would want me to stay and give. This is my greatest sin: that I refuse his calling to serve. That is the whole problem with man!
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-07/AyI83-sunset.JPG)
# Business as Usual
Eventually, even the "foreign" becomes the new routine.
# 12/8/83
Back from conference seems long ago already. Brief. Different and my anticipations never found fruit in reality. Oh well. A brief sketch.
Arrangements to leave were biggest hassle. LIAT has the unique ability to make even the simplest task into a nightmarish complexity. Combine them with the enigmatic Peace Corps machinery and you begin to get the picture. First problem was just getting the tickets. Somehow, my ticket was misplaced and after a thorough search, showed up at CITS. How they got it, nobody knew. Then came the discovery that Deb's ticket was made out for St Vincent to St Lucia to St Lucia. Mine had been altered in price from $164 to $288. Debs had been supposedly missed priced at $164. Travel agent said there was nothing he could do, I should go to the airport to LIAT and have it corrected (downtown office is closed Saturday). So I caught a van to the airport where LIAT said it had to be handled by the downtown office. It wouldn't be opened until Tuesday (Monday was a holiday) so I best get there early because our flight left Tuesday morning. Tuesday arrives with a large crowd at the LIAT office but a miraculous one hour later and I have two travel vouchers good for $576 in travel. We go to the travel agent to work out differences in assumed prices. I get another travel voucher, several tickets and trundle ourselves off to the airport. Whew! Because of some aberration in billing I'm $248 richer but was it worth it? I don't know.
Conference is like a H.S.l reunion. I even was asked to sign somebody's mug book. Our time was structured around a WID workshop but I was more interested in sharing our experiences. Positives and negatives. I had hoped for no more additional training but no luck. Women in Development( WID) is worthwhile but venue misplaced. We were all much more interested in just talking and catching up.
Although it didn't meet my expectations, it still was a valuable time for me. I had hoped that I would find many people in my same situation. As it was, there were a few that had had similar experiences. That is, being underutilized. In our travels, we also found others in a work vacuum. But not as many as I had thought. Perhaps people were less honest than I. Perhaps they could talk up their assignments though their situation was identical. In any event, most folks seemed busy or at least minimally involved in their assignments. Though a bit demoralizing, it was valuable in that it at least challenged me to try once again (and however futile) to find some meaningful work here. Is that possible? I don't know.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/HtNimage.png)
Friday we flew to Dominica. However, our suitcase stayed in St Lucia and was later flown to Antigua. We spent some time around Rosseau, waiting for a bus to Portsmouth and taking care of odds and ends. Portsmouth was an okay experience. Much like Georgetown or Barroullie was a poor, country town at the northern end of Dominica. We dined on "Mountain chicken" (known locally as crappaud \[frogs legs\]) and walked out to see if we could catch a ride to the Geest Boat to meet some friends of Julie and Orlando (who we were staying with). No luck. We returned to the house, talked and drank and had an uncomfortable night's sleep on the floor there.
Needing to catch the bus at 6:00 a.m., we arose at 5:30. Deb had a terrible headache and wasn't feeling too well so we caught the bus, collected our bag at the airport (better late than never) and got off at Norm and Rosa Cupfender's house (though Norm and Rosa were stateside, they offered their place for us to stay). What we found was a barn-like, beat up structure with a few pieces of furniture and two lounge chairs that were to be our beds. Mosquitoes everywhere. Deb and I caught a shower, hung out some clothes and were given a tour of the place (an old estate) by the owner. He was a keeper of parrots, boas, pigeon, guinea pigs and odds and ends other creatures of nature. Quite an eccentric but interesting man.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-11/83-dominica.JPG)
We caught a van into Rosseau, Deb's fever climbing. Unable to contact other EC-33s, we had breakfast, toured the market and were directed to a house where a couple of EC-34s were staying. That turned out to be a godsend. Deb's temp was 103.5 and I wasn't feeling all that great myself. It gave us a chance to relax (Deb to sleep) and unwind after such a busy couple of days. Bob and Kevin were wonderful hosts. Bob spun yarns about his days in Samoa and gave us some useful insights into PC life elsewhere. I was glad I hadn't gone to Samoa. Actually we ended up staying there for the next two nights. Deb's illness was serious enough to prevent us from going to Martinique on Sunday. I did some hiking with a couple of EC-33s (Dick and Margaret Graham and Trish Heady) to a place called T-2 gorge. It was a wonderful place. I was sorry Deb had missed it but I took as many slides as I could.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-11/08-83-t-2-gorge-dominica.JPG)
Monday we flew out. Back through Martinique and St Lucia. LIAT sent our luggage along this time (bless them) and we headed straight for Dr Baynes when we returned to St Vincent. Deb is still recouping and I've been challenged into rethinking my job. But it is, most peculiarly nice to be home.
# 22/8/83
Deb is fully recouped and is busily back at work. I too have been busy. What was so recently a slow work load rapidly expanded into a busy schedule. I've got more than enough to do and it should persist well into September. I talked with Van last Monday about my assignment and it's rather relaxed and slow paced nature. Seems as though my complaints were a bit premature because we got some basics established and set some objectives about future efforts to make my job more productive and, perhaps, more useful to the public service. That may be overly optimistic but there were a few key problems that needed resolving before the job could operate more officially. Biggest problem is lack of a counterpart. My attachment to Mr Gaynes was an administrative necessity but not much help in getting the contacts and information I needed to pull this thing together. The logical choice would be an attachment to the Services Commission (personnel). I have been working mostly with Gillian John and an official attachment to her might smooth some of the problems related to protocol and collaboration on training and related matters. The second problem was how and where I could go outside the public service to provide consultative help to those who might utilize me in the private sector. Mr Keene assured me that private consultation in the private sector was within P.C. purview so we might circulate a letter to private companies offering my skills. I'm also going to rewrite my job description and goals in terms of broader objectives. The job description project is not going to plan and I don't see it as my job to promote the exercise. I will assist but I won't be writing all the job descriptions as I originally and optimistically had intended. I don't see that as my role here.
And, to add to that just talked to Van again (on the steps of my office on returning from lunch) and things are even more up in the air. Apparently, Mr Keene talked to both the Prime Minister and the minister of the PM's office and they think I should be attached to Labour Dept. No problem, as long as I do not have to give up turf already gained in the "waiting game" played the last 8 months. I still want to be intimately involved in the development of an in-house training program. I still want to be available to work on personnel matters i.e. job descriptions and performance eval, etc. Taking on job creation and allocation matters in Labour is fine as long as I don't become a "body" to do things no one else is willing or able to do. Gads I need a counterpart and Jill was a good one. She needs more experience and support in her training efforts here. I am a training professional and should remain near to that discipline. Career-wise I will benefit more if I remain in that capacity. It will be interesting to see what actually will become my job. I am a bit worried about it.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/Fueimage.png)
# 31/8/83
A double ear infection has kept me off the phone for the training and employment survey in the hotel sector so I've been somewhat busy preparing job descriptions for the nurses at the hospital. What amazed me was the lack of patient orientation in the description of nursing duties. It wasn't until I did the job description for the nursing assistant, the lowest rung on the totem pole, that patient care finally entered the picture. The rest of the hierarchy was involved in administrative duties. No wonder that so few nurses are involved in patient care, it's not part of their job description? I'm still amazed. So I tried to rewrite patient care into the descriptions. Even my brief encounter with nursing service was enough to make me an expert in nursing duties. As a nursing student, I knew more and did more nursing care than I staff nurses does here. It's a wonder the medical staff doesn't collapse with the kind of nursing support services offered here.
I still need to get back to my employment and training survey. Perhaps tomorrow, ears willing. I feeling that same old reluctance to get out and do something. It's so persistent that I wonder what it is that is causing it. Again I begin to wonder if I'm not meant to do something else. Something besides desk work or at least a field that interests me. I doubt I could handle government work. Too much bureaucracy and foot dragging. Just now I'm more oriented toward field work and being out of doors. I like construction. I liked nursing I enjoyed being an auto mechanic and station manager. I wonder what they all have in common that appeals to me so much. I also need, and have tried to, offer those skills up to God. For him to do what he will with them. But it seems lame and insincere. Mostly because I tend to add a lot of "ifs" "ands" or "buts" to it. My faith has been shaky at best. I often know what needs to be done but I often lack the courage or motivation to carry it out. I fail miserably every time. It seems to me that doing God's will, will bring a joy that surpasses merely liking a job. That doing the job becomes a motivation for doing it more. Even Paul, when beaten and imprisoned, reveled in the fact that he was doing God's work. That's dedication and love and faith. even though the physical pains and weaknesses brought him down, God brought him up and sustained him. I sit here immobilized for fear or whatever, yet if I was convinced of my role as one of God's children, nothing, short of death, would hinder my carrying out of my vocation. I'm suffering a lack of faith and feel entrapped by it. I need the faith I lack even to break the circle. I feel I'm wasting my time here (I was about to add "and God's time too" but he is time. outside of Him there is no time and truly within him there is no time). Lord I offer myself to you for you to do with me what you will. Make me an instrument of your love. Make me sing your joy. Help me to build your kingdom. I that I have is yours. Amen.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/LR0image.png)
# 12/9/83
I'm slipping and I've noticed that my journaling has fallen by the wayside. I do hope it doesn't stop totally. Though that appears to be the direction it's heading. Well, to update a bit.
My work phobia was circumvented by me mailing out the questionnaire. I figured that it would be less threatening to mail out the form, have the hotel managers fill it out, and then I'll follow up. No doubt I'll get a poor response rate and have to call most of them anyway, but at least I tried and at least they will know who I am when I call. It wasn't meeting the problem head on but at least it lessens my anxiety somewhat.
Deb's birthday has passed and it seems not so long ago that we were all gathered at Garfield for a celebratory dinner. One of the last big bashes at our old home. Seems so long ago and so ideal in comparison to the current situation. Even then our entry into the PC was anxiously approaching (oh how little we knew then!!). But beyond the memory was the nice reality of Deb's first birthday outside the U.S. I really tried to do it up big. I baked a chocolate cake (from scratch no less) and took Deb out for a very tasty (but expensive) dinner at the French restaurant. We had Keith's bike (as he was in Barbados) so the transport hassle was minimal. I bought her a Batik print wrap around skirt plus some needed kitchen glassware which was just waiting for a "special occasion" to be bought. Mom sent a very nice cotton dress for Deb and all in all we had a fairly festive birthday celebration.
Having Keith's bike was also a nice bonus last week. we immediately took it all the way up to Richmond Beach which is about the furthest point north on the leeward side which is accessible to vehicles. What beautiful country it is! Though I was a bit rusty with my motorcycle riding, we took it easy, stopping in Troumaca to visit with Dennis for an hour or so to rest our weary and sore bottoms.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/oTQimage.png)
By the time we finished the ride (some 5 hours!) we were very happy to stop. The bike gave us a needed change in our routine. A little excitement and a change of pace. The PC policy of prohibiting bike ownership except for job related reasons is really a shame. Deb and I have been here 9 months and saw more of the island in one day, than we had in 9 months. I've also noticed that I must becoming used to the level of level of poverty here in St V. The housing and living conditions that we saw, though substandard, were not as heart-wrenching as they seem to be to me when I was up that way last Jan. Likewise for a subsequent Jeep trip to Fancy with Oro last Thursday. I don't think it's a case of overload, but rather finally beginning to fit all the pieces together into a sensible whole. I'm seeing things through a Vincentian's eyes. It's like I've known it all my life. That doesn't mean that I no longer care or that I don't think that things should be improved. Rather it's an adaptation or acculturation to the lifestyle. For example, if I found bugs in flour in the states, I probably throw out the flour. Here though, I'd sift out the bugs and throw them out. It's not that I've lowered my standards per se. I've just become more pragmatic when dealing with the realities here. Like my vision and my horror of all the mosquitoes that swarm about our house. Originally, I wanted to screen the place. The more practical method is to expose as little skin as possible while still remaining comfortable and use mosquito coils to control the rest. I do believe I'm getting used to living here. I certainly should be by now.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-11/83-troumaca-bay-leeward-side.JPG)
Job wise things have gone berserk. Earlier through the efforts of Van it looked as though I'd end up at the labour department. Well things have changed again and through a convoluted series of events I may end up in agriculture.
Way back in July, I spoke to Elizabeth (EC-31) about a possible position with agriculture coordinating marketing information. Such a position would call upon my skills and stats and econ plus give me a more hands on job collecting and disseminating marketing data. She had been asked by AG and Marketing Corp to start up such a project but since she only has a few months left, was reluctant to start it up. So she fielded it to me. I was ambivalent at the time and really unsure about such a change of direction. Fact is, this Manpower Development position who yield me greater professional benefits than say working in Agriculture. But, I said I would think about it. While in St Lucia I spoke to Cynthia from Barbados about the possibility of working on a marketing info project here just like she does in B-Dos. Well she talks to her boss and he writes to the Ministry of Agriculture and says he would be more than happy to send over an assistant to start up the project and assist Mr Helgren. Well, the minister had never even heard about me so we got on the phone to Elizabeth. The bottom line is that they do want me to start this thing up so I've been trying to talk to Mr Bonadie to figure out the particulars of the job. We'll have to see what happens but I think I'll take the position with a couple of "ifs". If I can finish what I'm doing here in Finance and if I can evaluate the project at the end of three months to see if I want to continue and if I can continue to freelance in training and manpower related activities. Nothing definite. Another promise looms on the horizon.
# 19/9/83
For the instant, job concerns are on the back burner. I hope to get a letter out this week to Mr Bonadie and Mr Keene to help clarify the political and organizational realities of my job change. I've been dragging my heels a bit. Only because I haven't clearly organized my thoughts about the whole thing. But, it will gel and I will get on with it soon.
Today we received our initial itinerary for our trip home. Wow! It's a reality now. We're booked through to SLC on the 14th and the only things to hammer out are some of the "too close" flight connections and a determination whether or not we want to go a bargain rate of $689 but keep our trip to just 21 days or to take five more days and fly back to St V on January 8th at a cost of $1,100. Practicality says to save the $400 per person (US!) and keep it to 21 days but that means fewer days in Meridian for Deb (7) versus 11 days. She'll have to make up her mind about that but will probably take the practical route. So at least it's all real now and we just need to make some final adjustments and see what the travel agent in Chicago can come up with. By October's end things should be on a firm footing. travel-wise and job-wise (I should hope!)
Busy weekend too. We had two unexpected overnight guests on Saturday night. Judith, Debbie's assistant got hold of us through neighbors phone to ask if we could put up Shawn and Thekla because she would be out all night(?) Deb said yes and initially I was very uncomfortable with the whole thing but, as it was, it wasn't nearly so bad. Shawn and Thekla were very well behaved (if recalcitrant in going to bed) and we managed to get them up and organized in time for church Sunday morning. After church, Jose, one of Deb's pediatric patients who has become a constant sidekick, came over and we went over to Autley Hall to swim and pick guavas. My second attempt at making them into jelly failed so I've got two quarts of guava syrup to try to thicken into jelly by using some pectin or alum (if I can find it). Jose is a good kid. His dialect still stymies communication at times but he helps me to understand what being a kid in St Vincent is all about. Perhaps he'll help educate the other neighborhood kids about "those white people". I noticed a surprising thing though, even though there is fruit rotting off the trees a short distance from Edinburgh and indeed within it, our trees are regularly stripped. Amazing! I thought is was just because we had the only available trees but not so. We must have just a convenient location.
Back to travel. The fact that will only need $3,750 EC to fly to the US frees up some of our funds. Maybe we can go to the '74 class reunion next August 11th. I just received notice of it last week so we'll have plenty of time to plan. I'd love to go but it will certainly be an optional thing. Not as pressing or needful as this trip to SLC over X-mas. "Visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in our heads"...
# 26/9/83
The beginning of the last week of Sept. How far we have come (and it seems 11 weeks is too long to go!) Holly was married last night. Thousands of miles away. How I wished I could have been there! She was on our minds all day. Often in our prayers. Again I find myself cursing long distances and slow mail. Today Jeff and Holly Scheid will be flying to Cancun. I hope they are as richly blessed in their wedding as Deb and I have been in ours. Long distance love to them.
A fast week and weekend. On the job front things are static right now. I'm waiting to hear from Ministry of T&A, get some addresses & letters off to various & sundry people. But for the meantime it's, play the waiting game. My hotel survey return was abysmal, so I'll end up calling most of the people anyway. To my knowledge I've only received one completed form. Back to square one on that project. The most important going on was with Liz's rape hearing. Wednesday, it was postponed when Kelly didn't show, defaulted on his bail and was subsequently arrested (about 10 minutes later when he showed up). The hearing was rescheduled for Friday.
The hearing on Friday was a mixed bag. Dr Baynes testified that Elizabeth had come in and told her that she had been raped. An examination showed internal indications of forcible intercourse, prolonged intercourse or perhaps use of contraceptive foams, douches or devices. Then Liz walked through her long and painful story. It was made even longer by the magistrate having to copy down the testimony himself, long hand. It was a very uncomfortable experience. The cross exam was a joke. The defense lawyer was a jerk and kept insinuating that Liz was lying, making it up and damaging poor Kelly's reputation (as what, I don't know). He even asked that she apologize to him and the court for bringing such a suit to court. Dumb. The magistrate, I felt, was on Liz's side and tried to caution her and keep her from saying anything incriminating. The really amazing thing was that Kelly's defense is that he and Liz drove to the beach. Liz went for a swim at midnight, with no light, at Argyle Beach which has killed people when it was broad daylight and nothing else happened. Oh he does admit having sex with Liz on numerous other previous occasions but not that night. Gads, I can't believe that guy. I had reservations about Liz's story before, but given Kelly's defense, I can't help but believe Liz. The magistrate did too. It goes to a full trial on October 4th. I'll be there.
What followed was a fast weekend. It rained endlessly on Saturday but Deb and I ran into town anyway. We spent the rest of the day doing inside things. Baking, writing and Deb working on a banner for father Renniston Howell's ordination next Sunday. Saturday night we went to mass and stayed after to see the "Witness" again which we had seen way back in April. Sunday I spent washing and grubbing around the garden. Planted broccoli, sweet basil, chives and rosemary along with some cantaloupe. We'll see. Deb spent her day working on the banner and we spent a quiet evening in Bible study (which we really need to do more often). So it's back to work and wondering what will lie in the future.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-11/garden-yield.JPG)
# 9/30/83
End of the week. Not a real fulfilling one. I kept hoping that the return on our questionnaire for the employment & training survey would be of such magnitude that there would only be a small number of phone calls to make. Not so. As to date, only one of 25 or so questionnaires has been returned. Which means that I have many many phone calls to make. I've procrastinated all week which is ultimately a major mistake as Mr Scott has been out of the office and the phone relatively unused. As it is, I'll have to make calls amid his return, adding greater anxiety to an already difficult and anxious situation. Gads, I'm so stupid for being so frightened. I really hate this job!
Thoughts too about so many departures. Souman Ghosh left a few weeks back from CPU. Jim leaves next week along with other folks from our "morning coffee club". Just as I was beginning to feel comfortable around so many other ex-pats; sharing the frustration and fears the silliness of some of the public service bickerings. It seems we just settle in, to be disrupted again. I envy their departure. Though I know our farewells will come all too soon (or perhaps not soon enough) I can't help but want to go, too. Dennis, the French agronomist, leaves around the end of October. The EC-31s leave the beginning of December. Leaving, leaving. It's nice to know that we'll be at least get a bit of a breather in the states for a few weeks in Dec. & Jan. Perhaps by then, things on my end will firm up but that may be too much to ask. I may float all the way until next December for all I know. Surely, I will (or have) learned to deal with ambiguity.
As for comings: EC-35's should arrive sometime this fall. EC-36s will be part of a summer program, as PC Wash. is changing the arrival times of health & education people. They will probably arrive sometime next July. Deb's replacement will come 5 months early (if there is one) so that long overlap may allow us for an early COS depending upon circumstances. We could probably depart sometime in early November if we wished. I wish! But it certainly too soon for anything but speculation on that account. My energy is concentrated now on #1 Getting this blasted training and employment survey finished. #2 Setting this marketing intelligence project in motion. #3 Clarifying my role as Manpower development advisor. #4 Surviving until Christmas.
That last item is the kicker in that we heard on VOA (Voice of America) that Eastern Airlines is in financial difficulties so they may file a Chapter 11 and go the way of Braniff and Delta. Great!? Just when the thing was all set and a very cheap price arrived at. Still haven't heard from Sharon Miller in B-ton about alternative airlines and schedules. Trying to work something else out. We may however end up with more travel time in the U.S. So another airline may work out well.
Well, on to the weekend. I'm going to try to make some calls this afternoon but I really don't feel up to it. But then, I'll never really feel up to it so I might as well jump in with both feet!
# 4/10/83
Tuesday morning and I'm a vegetable. We had Jim Rutherford over for a "farewell" dinner last night. That guy is a riot. Witty, intelligent yet sensitive. I guess we are always attracted to people we think are like us. I like him. Wish Deb & I had met him sooner. We hope to visit him (if/when) we go to England. The more people we meet here, the more we want to visit them in Europe should we go. And greater's the reason for going. The really amazing thing is that we could be COS'ing in a little more than a year if we went early. That becomes a new carrot at the end of the stick. It would also be nice to travel to Europe in the fall. But, of course, of course, it's much too early to even guess what next fall will be like (but it's always nice! to dream).
Job situation is slowly becoming more convoluted and ambiguous rather than more clearly defined. But that's often what happens here. You get just the opposite of what you expected. My talk with Liz & Jethro raised more questions than it answered. Now it seems Jethro thinks I should be with the Marketing Corp rather than Trade and Ag. I see his point but what I need is action not indecision. I'm still not sure what he wants. He's looking more to demand-side information generation and hoping that supply can be developed on a selective basis. I agree. But the mechanisms for pulling all this together is where the problems arise. I guess I will have a counterpart, who needs training, but my question is why and in what manner? Why isn't he contacting external market info suppliers already? A phone, a typewriter and some addresses & phone numbers is about all you need to start. ORD or Ministry of T&A would develop the contacts and contracts with local reliable farmers and the job is done. Slowly more extensive local Market info could be generated and linked up to the farmers so that gluts and shortages on the local market could be evened out. But that would take time and could be long-term. In the short run, marketing links could be generated by phone calls and letters. Why that hasn't been done as yet, I don't know.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/bk3image.png)
# 5/10/83
Something I haven't mentioned but has been growing on me over the past few months is that I'm not alone in my frustration here. With Jim leaving tomorrow (darn it) and having to assess his two years of work in Planning, I realized that the problems and frustrations differed between us only in intensity. But given the fact that his services were specifically requested, and mine were optional, those differences were not so great. The ambiguity, the indifference, the underutilization they were as much apart of his experience as they are of mine. His time here, although not wasted in the purest sense, still lacked a concreteness that we all (as expats in the public service) experience. Paul, who works with him and will be here until April, has similar feelings. Paul has a one-year contract and he was saying "If the last 6 months are like the first 6 months, I won't be staying". He has worked in Guyana for 2 years so the cultural aspects of living in the third world are nothing new to him. Yet, he finds himself useless here. Waiting for something to happen. I think it takes a rare, highly motivated person, to get into a situation here and be "successful". Those people, found among PCs, VSOs and other expats are few and far between and cause more anxiety rather than inspiration. Mostly because they trigger a round of "Why not me?" or "What's wrong with me?" questions. Going even further, Vincentions, especially young and well educated Vincentions, also feel unutilized and helpless to change things here. I recently got company here in my office. Randy Cato, M.S. in Pol. Sci. has been placed here as Asst. Secretary. When asked what he'll be doing in the Min of Finance he replied "Well, I haven't been assigned to anything yet. I'm just waiting for something to come about". It will be interesting to see if he actually does something or if he will merely spend his time reading Newsweek and Time as he does now. The incredible waste of Human Resources is at least appalling and gives one some sense as to why St Vincent continues to languish in the third world.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/MjLimage.png)
# 10/10/83
Monday morning and I'm "veg'ed" out. We had a busy but surprisingly relaxing weekend in Troumaca. The reason I'm so tired is that we caught a 6:00 a.m. "bus" down this morning which meant getting up at an unbelievable 5:00 a.m. Plus we got to bed late. I feel like sleeping for a month.
We were fortunate enough to get a ride up on Friday afternoon with Dennis and John-Luc. Roger also came up with us. Saturday, we climbed Soufriere in THE most miserable weather. Rain and wind. Our attempts to talk the other members of the group into postponing the climb until Sunday (surely the weather could be no worse than it was) was unsuccessful so we plodded on up to the top. The first 5 minutes were fine. We could see most of the crater and the huge lava dome in the center. It was raining lightly so I procrastinated in taking pictures. That was a big mistake! It began to rain, HARD. Soaking us through and chilling us to the bone. After 10 minutes or so it let up, long enough for me to snap several pictures before it REALLY began to rain. Finally, we gave up on our plans to climb down into the crater and instead, we beat a hasty retreat down the mountain. The wind was blowing at least 50 mph and the huge, horizontal raindrops pummeled us like shot. The trail turned into a torturously winding stream (a canoe would have been handy) as we slipped and slided down the mountainside absolutely soaked. Of course it stopped raining as we reached the bottom. The only advantage, if it could be called that, was that we were so chilled and wet that the shower, dry clothes, hot coffee and fatigue reminded me of the comfort one feels after a long day on the ski slope. A reminder which will soon find reality, I hope.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-12/02-83-soufriere-climb-2.JPG)
Sunday was much more low-key. Mostly hanging around the house and swimming. Late in the afternoon, Dennis, Rodger and I went up past Spring Village and hiked up to the catchment, collecting seeds along the way. Deb stayed back at Dennis's house and spent the afternoon entertaining the Canadian Med students who had climbed Soufriere that morning on a predictably beautiful day (Ian and Mark). That evening we were to celebrate Dennis's birthday and a whole group of French speaking folks who happened to be here from Dominica , including Dennis's counterpart, showed up. Conversationally we were left out but I was so tired I didn't care. But it did reinforce my interest in learning another language. Americans are so ignorant and insolent in their lack of expertise in speaking foreign languages. I wish I had taken my lessons in French and Spanish more seriously. Actually, I would like to learn enough German and French to be functionally conversational. My Spanish need some building up too. Deb and I want to go to England and Europe next year and I know will wish that we were fluent in something other than English.
So now it's back in Kingstown with this blasted hotel survey nagging at me. I'm such a joke and I have to get on with it (been saying that for 6 weeks now). God grant me strength to do what I must do. Amen!
# 17/10/83
God did bless me the rest of the week (as I had prayed He would). I plunged in and contacted almost all the hotels (or at least those I could get through to). So the survey has once again gained some momentum and it looks as though it will be completed sometime soon. I'm using the phone of Richard and Paul in the CPU so most of the anxiety has been relieved.
Talked to the Helgren clan in SLC and got all the latest info on the weddings and other odds and ends. They all appear well and the excitement is growing (on both sides I might add) about our return in December. It looks as though I overestimated the hassles of our trip up to Meridian before Christmas would cause. Mom said it was okay with her if we only spent one day in Salt Lake and then departed for Meridian for a week. We will be in Salt Lake for Christmas and New Years and will be spending the bulk of time in Salt Lake so it appears that that "uncomfortable" situation will be tolerable. I checked with Eastern's requirements on the 21 day travel situation and the requirement is two for hour layovers so since we can lay over 5 hours in Miami on the way out we won't have to overnight there on the way back. We'll only have to stay in Barbados on the 4th. Whew!
The weekend, as always, was a busy one doing wash, baking and puttering around the garden. Rodger came by late in the afternoon and stayed over for dinner so the evening went by quickly. Typical weekend. Hope the next 8 weeks fly by!
Today has been busy too but not much accomplished. I have an infected cyst in my left ear lobe which needs to be drained. As it requires some surgery, I double checked with Dorothea Hackett in Barbados to make sure the bases will be covered. I'm not real keen on having any surgical procedure done here, including minor stuff, but Dorothea said it was okay as long as it was properly documented. I'll have to visit with the surgeon this afternoon. I hope I have an ear remaining afterwards.
Nothing heard so far on Marketing Intelligence proposal. I got my doubts about the whole thing actually working out. Lots of politics and other hogwash. Frankly, I'm tired of the whole public service and have little confidence left in those in charge. Still, it will be interesting to see what will happen.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/L7Cimage.png)
# 20/10/83
The situation with my job is deteriorating further. Fact is that on November 1st I'll be transferred to labour. After much running around trying to gather information, I've come to believe that the change is being done for change's sake. Mr Gaines at MCW didn't know what was going on. Jeff Venner, labour commissioner, didn't seem to have any concrete ideas of what he would do with me if I did move to labour. Mr Marshall seems to think that the move is in my best interest even though he can't identify why or what those reasons are. Seems that the whole impetus for this change came down from the Prime Minister who had spoken to Mr Keene. Mr Keene had mentioned my underutilization to the PM. The PM spoke with Cabinet Secretary Branch who in turn put pressure on the Financial Secretary, Mr Scott. Scott put the bite on Marshall who thought it best to relieve the pressure by getting me out of finance and into labour which was the PM's original idea. Of course it's logical and I would be effective in labour if and only if I'm truly wanted there. And since the change is being implemented along political rather than organizational need lines, I have a feeling that Jeff will resent me being dumped on labour.
To add to that Jethro isn't exactly speeding along with the marketing intelligence project. He seems more full of talk than action and is moving only slowly. I get the feeling of being used and I'm not sure that I like that. I'm not sure what his objectives are so I tend to view him with distrust. I still don't know what he has up his sleeve.
Locally, things are also unsettled. Grenada had a military coup the past few days with Maurice Bishop and several cabinet members being shot. Now the place is under a 24-hour curfew violators threatened to be shot. Greg and Joan Klebe are down there (we think) so all of the PCVs here are concerned about their safety. We still don't know what is going on down there. Perhaps we never will.
We are tentatively planning to go to Troumaca again this weekend. Will probably rent a car and split costs with other PCVs (about 15EC each). This is a surprise party for Dennis who leaves on the 29th.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/gV7image.png)
# 31/10/83
One year plus has passed since the first entry in the journal. Hooray? THE milestone. I had hoped to mark the day (25th Oct.) with a nice, long journal entry but no luck as it turned out the U.S. invaded Grenada (which did not please me at all) the same day as our anniversary of entering the Peace Corps machine. So last week was a loss to me as local events surpassed personal milestones. I have been unsettled the past week for several reasons. First of all, the Grenada thing just threw me off balance. I didn't agree with the U.S. policy or action and spent the rest of the week trying to formulate a personal stand on the issue (which is not in line with local support). Plus this transfer to labour has been hanging like a Sword of Damocles over my head. I'm not real pleased at the rationale nor the process under which the proposed transfer is taking place. Add to that a sudden burst of activity in getting this marketing intelligence position off the ground and you get an idea of what is going on in my head. Lots of mental activity with very little concrete change taking place. Plus I'm having surgery done on my other ear this morning so things are rather discombobulated just now. More later.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/34Cimage.png)
# 1/11/83
Surgery's done and I'm trying to get organized. To back up a bit. We celebrated our one year away from home anniversary with Fritos, french onion dip and Tab. I've been planning that experience for months. It seems very strange that we have been here a year. Sometimes it feels like St Vincent is the only home we've had. It's hard to believe that it's so different from the United States. The year that has passed has made it hard for me to imagine what U.S. life is like. I guess we're settled in more than I had imagined. The difficult transition is now a vague memory. The discomforts and difficulties are still there but we're so used to dealing with them that they just seem another aspect of living. Now my interest swings to wondering what the life we have left behind in the U.S. is like. We've learned one heck of a lot in the past year. Mostly we've gained a sensitivity to people that I don't think we had in the states. The daily confrontation of cultures that we experience makes us aware of how different we are from Vincentions but it also has made us aware of how Vincentions are different from us. We tend to seek the roots of these differences and wonder how we can find unity. It will be a shock to be anonymous in the states again. But I think our sensitivity to those around us will remain.
To change tracks. Our weekend in Troumaca was a real mind-blower. All my arrangements to get a van went up in smoke when we arrived to pick it up on Saturday. The guy had promised it to someone else! I couldn't believe it! He had gotten a 3-day rental on it. So we got "bumped". And they call me a capitalist! Well anyway all our efforts to find transport failed and we ended up stuffing seven people into a Toyota Corolla. It got us to Troumaca and back. While we were up there we "played ambulance" and transported an injured Rasta (bike-truck accident, he was lucky). The party was great the food excellent and I was glad to give Dennis a warm send-off.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2023-12/83-troumaca-bay-leeward-side.JPG)
Amazingly we have just 6 weeks until we visit the West for Christmas. Time has moved fast (thanks be to God) and although our plane reservations are still fuzzy I'm hopeful we can work out all the minor details. Deb and I are trying to put together the Christmas card and collect up our presents. And, if I can weather the insanity over my job situation it looks as if we will have a Merry Christmas.
# 8/11/83
Travel on my mind. This time to Barbados. Some quick talk and pressure got me into the BAS sponsored workshop on marketing. Well, I think it got me in, I'm still not 100% certain but I could leave as early as Thursday and stay until Saturday morning. The uncertainty is in whether or not Marketing Corp will accept our MIU proposal. A lot is riding on that. Not only the trip but also the fact that my future could be more or less determined by the meeting. If the MIU is established I could be moving over in just a few weeks (or early January, most likely). If not it's back to square one job-wise and I'll be trying to generate more work for myself here in finance. Possibilities exist everywhere but my follow-through hasn't been as complete as it should be. I've become more assertive and will use that to my advantage but the going will be rough if I stay here. The system needs some shaking up. I'm not sure if I could cause the tremor, let alone an earthquake.
Mail has been spotty from the states. Mom is again asking me to come home to stay. Partly I think because of the publicized instability of the region because of Grenada. and partly because I've been bewailing my underutilization and ambiguous job situation more than I usually do. Fact is, this place does get to you from time to time (not just St V but the public service in general). I would be happier stateside I think but I feel I'm just now getting my feet wet. I'm just beginning to know my strengths and weaknesses and how to deal with them. Strangely, after 1 year of sitting, I'm now ready to dig in and stake a claim in this place. Strange, because I envisioned the time factor as against me rather than for me. That, as time went on I would be less and less able to deal with the situation. Early on it was "If this isn't better by Christmas I'll E.T". Now it's more like "I needed time to adjust and, now that I have adjusted, I'm ready to go for it". I think my expectations were much too high at the outset and that I didn't fully understand the situation or my reaction to it. Now, I'm a bit more realistic as to what I can expect to accomplish and though I feel I could be more tenacious, I don't think it a personal failure totally when I don't follow through. My phone phobias and problems with "getting on with it" were real adjustment problems and though I still need to be diligent in watching my motivation level, I don't need to be quite so unraveled when I do "freeze". I've got to be easier on myself while still pushing. But living in this paradox is what PC living is.
So I remain in ambiguity while still trying to make a contribution. It will be most interesting to see what the next year will bring. Nearly 13 months in the EC has taught me much, but, as in all learning, I need to learn how to learn. This is just another difficult living situation where I have to re-learn the rules. That's what has been difficult and exciting about being here. But then, talk is cheap when holidays are just 5 weeks away.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/lSpimage.png)
**Kingstown Harbour**
# Home for the holidays
# 11/17/83
And cheaper still when it's only 4 weeks away! Things have gone extremely well in the past weeks. The wonderings are over and the situation is more concrete than they have ever been. As it turns out, the Marketing Board approved the M.I.U. last week and I did go to Barbados for a few days to attend the marketing seminar. It was worth the hassles and now I'm ready to jump in with both feet. There are still mountains to climb. We still need to get the unit set up and operating. I still need to be transferred to the Marketing Corp. We have to find the money to purchase stationery and other odds and ends but essentially the machinery is in place. I talked to Mr Griffin and Cynthia (PCV) from BASIS in Barbados and one or the other should be arriving soon to help set up the unit. I've written all the correspondence and once the budget is made up, all that stuff goes to Jethro to handle. We're on our way but to where, I don't know.
Travel arrangements took a turn to frustration while in Barbados. I double checked itinerary and price. We are confirmed and also return will take us to Barbados on Jan. 4th from SLC. It's the payment that is the hassle. CITS won't accept payment because it wasn't booked through them and won't show up on their computer. So they needed an up-to-date itinerary from LIAT. LIAT said I could pay but the itinerary is wrong and the price was too high ($699 versus $549 which is correct, I asked Eastern). So I finally decided to call WESTAM and tell them my troubles and then call home so that they could pay for the tickets and have them waiting in Barbados when we arrive. The positive note is that I got approval for the foreign exchange( $1,200 US) and will cable up the money this morning and send another cable to Mom and Dad to verify. Another positive thing is that both Debbie's and my leaves have been approved. So the formalities are done. I just hope the tickets are waiting for us in Barbados.
Outside of all the hustle and bustle, things are going well. The dogs next door are barking their brains out probably to remind us of our "fun" time in Jamaica that we were experiencing last year about this time. We need to talk to Maxine about our canine insomnia.
The letters still roll in slowly due to Grenada hassle. But things have finally settled down and it looks as though things are looking up.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/I5qimage.png)
**PC friends Mel and Betty in Barbados**
# 21/11/83
Still counting down and I'm feeling impatient to go. Just 22 days now but it seems forever. We need to get organized on Christmas gifts and odds and ends. Job wise my footwork is done now I just have to wait. Wait for the transfer to go through. Wait for the office to be set up over at Marketing Corporation. I really doubt if much can be accomplished in such a short time. The wheels always turn slowly and I'm just going to kick back and relax, now that I've been so busy over the past few months in setting up the M.I.U.. The only thing on the docket is that the US Dept of Agriculture is coming in to do a pre-feasibility cost study on doing the crop census in St Vincent. I will be involved in that in one way or another.
This week has a couple of high points to to it. First, my birthday Wednesday will be a nice opportunity to get out of the house for a while and have a meal at either the Chinese restaurant or the French restaurant. I may take the day off just to catch some rays and read. A quiet time for me. This weekend is our Thanksgiving party at Dibba's and if the weather is good, it should be a nice time. Two 25 lb turkeys and a host of other various side dishes. Sunday will be talking to Mom and Dad (and Gram and Gramps we hope) and I can at least verify flight itinerary and ascertain whether or not the money I cabled up has reached my bank account. The week following I should be involved in the USAID study. Which puts us around Dec. 5th which is our first anniversary in St Vincent and a major milestone in itself. In some ways it's so hard to believe that we've been here so long. 13 months away from home.
In many ways the change of job is a Godsend. It gives me something to look forward to returning to. In any other case, it would be difficult to come back. The heat, the feeling of being alien, the dogs(!) mosquitoes and ants it can really burn you out especially when you know of a place where those things aren't a bother. I suppose that dogs are still number one on my list of hassles. Uninterrupted sleep is an unknown commodity lately and I'm plenty vexed at Maxine for placing her pups just outside our bedroom window. There seems to be no place to find peace anymore. No quiet evenings relaxing. No nights rest. You can tell how it's affecting me from the tone of this entry. I'm tired and touchy. And less willing to deal with the demands of third world living. Deb and I have even considered moving but Mrs Douyon is much too nice to pull out on. She's become a good friend and saying "goodbye" would be much too painful. Our lives have settled down now. We have our routines and expectations and though life isn't free and easy (we're still constrained by our histories) it is tolerable and happy in the main. Sure we still feel too constrained, too different, to really fit in. We're still hassled by school kids and local "toughs" who get enjoyment from hassling white people but the impact on us is not so great. We shrug it off for what it is, mindless discrimination. But the alternatives carry equal anxiety for us. Can we cope with readjusting to the US life? My visit to Barbados gave me a taste of the US in microcosm and I'm not sure I liked it. I will seek refuge in our folks houses. Watching TV, skiing and walking about. But even 22 days seems too long to that experience. But the nice thing about the journal is that the entries compressed time. I need to live out the minutes and hours and days until we step on the plane in St Vincent on December 14th.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/2Czimage.png)
**Basic chores in St. V**
# 29/11/83
Countdown to ecstasy? I'm not exactly sure what to expect on arriving to the states. There is a certain amount of anxiety but an equal amount of joyful anticipation. Just 15 days! I can hardly believe it will happen. I am equally anxious about our travel arrangements. We talked to Mom Dad Todd Gram and Gramps on Sunday. Dad ran the tickets through on Visa and had them sent by certified mail (or registered we're not clear on what form was used). Anyway, now we will be anxiously eyeing the mailbox starting next Monday to see if they successfully ride the gauntlet of overseas mail handling. Mom and Gram both said they'd sent small packages months ago and they never arrived. Worse still is the fact that a PO worker was caught stealing and opening (then discarding) mail from overseas. Presumably looking for money. I'm afraid our mail has been waylaid somewhere along the line and fearful that our tickets will meet a similar fate. Oh well, we'll just wait and see and hope that the worst hasn't happened.
We are busily trying to get our Christmas cards off. And also decide on and purchase the final Christmas presents this weekend. Next week will be agony. Not much is going on with my job transfer. Most likely because Jethro is in Miami for the week and he is the "in" at Marketing Corporation. I don't anticipate much activity in the job circle during the next two weeks but I'm hopeful that the hitches are worked out during our holiday so that I can run once I'm back. Oh, I've been involved in a few assorted projects but nothing of very great significance. I'm just biding my time, burning up energy in our travel arrangements. It will be a difficult two weeks and a portent of things to come next year about this time. I expect that COS will be an even bigger hassle and if our 14 months since leaving the US passed quickly, the 11 or less months until COS should fly by. Especially if we squeeze in a trip to Europe but those plans must rest until we return. Next year might be as mixed a bag as this one was.
A difficulty arises in trying to convey the essence of this first PC year to my family and friends when we are stateside. Our photo album is incomplete and one-sided. We've overstressed the beautiful tourist side of our experience and left out the poverty and cultural differences. Our letters must convey some of that experience but the photographs will not. I must try to capture that when I return.
I've noticed a tendency to move away from feelings and insights in both my letters and journal writing and more towards mundane and actually boring drivel about job hassles and plans for travel. The urgency of my writing is lost. That opening of the soul and heart which was so essential at the outset of this journey seems difficult to get in touch with. I still experience just what I experienced 12 months ago but it's a part of me. It's living it now rather than observing. I know must learn to open myself up and write about day-to-day experiences which are a part of my life but may not be a part of me once I've left.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/9qoimage.png)
**Party at Anker's house**
# 5/12/83
So a year has come and gone here. I am amazed. And giving credit where credit is due, let me say that it is only through the Grace of God that I have made it this far in this state. I'm almost ebullient in my outlook. Not only because of our now imminent return to SLC rather more in spite of it. I give Him praise for such a marvelous thing.
So the milestone has passed: one finished, one to go and I'm both anxious and excited about it. The past year has been one of nearly infinite challenge. The challenge of learning to live in a different culture, of learning to live in apparent uselessness of trying to live so far from established family and friends. A personal challenge and a spiritual one. One that will probably affect me for years to come and one which will never be forgotten.
But I'm having trouble on focusing on that. With our trip to the states looming on the horizon it is hard to focus on anything else. The 8 days that stand between now and then seem interminable and my mind is wandering. It's difficult to write. It could be because I'm not feeling all that well. Friday night there was a party for the lab folks (Greg and Joan) which left me with a tremendous hangover on Saturday. I managed to survive that but ended up feverish and drained on Sunday. Last night it was alternatively chills and sweats and this morning I still feel bleah. I may spend the afternoon at home and take it easy. I can't seem to get motivated for much else.
We're still waiting on our tickets too. I received a few letters and birthday cards last week one of which was postmarked the same day as our tickets were mailed. So they can't be too far behind. The tickets are the last link in the chain to home. Once forged, we can relax and concentrate on the final preparations, packing & presents. I don't like to be over prepared to leave. Seems to stretch out the interval to leaving. Hopefully, I'll take next week off from Monday afternoon onward and I'll take care of all the last minute stuff. It still seems a long way off but I imagine it will go very quickly.
# 15/2/84 !!
Almost two months have elapsed since the last entry. Christmas has come & gone (Gads what a joyful experience!) We're now back, settled in and seemingly, rushing headlong into the year. To review:
Our tickets finally did arrive, by regular mail and all in good shape. The itinerary had changed once again but our 1 day St Vincent SLC route stayed intact (thank goodness). We spent a busy week preparing to leave. Buy gifts and carefully packing it all away for the 4000 plus miles to SLC. My bleah feelings turned out to be the measles!! I was laid up almost the entire week and probably prolonged the suffering through my frequent excursions out into town to buy last minute items. Excitement and anticipation ran so high! I must have had no adrenaline left by the time I stepped onto the plane.
Our departure morning began early. We got up about 4:30 a.m. to close things up and pack the final items. We had dinner the night before at Bienamen's so were spared the hassle of cooking and cleaning and were only left with packing and carefully setting out our tickets and travel documents so we wouldn't misplace them at the last minute. Awaking in darkness only minutes (seemingly) after putting our heads down we collected our stuff and waited for Father Russ, who had graciously offered to take us to the airport. It was a gorgeous pre-dawn night. I noticed a particularly bright star in the east. Blazing away much as had the star that led the wise men to Bethlehem. Perhaps it is a cliche but it was to be a beacon for our departure. Russ finally arrived as dawn and a light rain broke upon St Vincent. Absolutely beautiful. We arrived in good order, passed through immigration check our bags and awaited our flight. Of course it was late. Turns out on Wednesday the LIAT flight to Barbados doesn't pass through Grenada so we waited until 7:10 to board (rather than 6:20 as anticipated). Arriving at 8:10 we had a 3-hour wait and wander for the Eastern flight to Miami. The Eastern counter didn't open until 9:30 whence we checked our bags and had a leisurely breakfast. Gads! Were my knees knocking and heart racing as we boarded the flight for our first visit Stateside in over a year? I don't remember. I just remember the relaxation and warm snuggling feeling of being with Deb as we flew home!!
During the flight I continuously imbibed Tab and reviewed our itinerary through various airports until we got to Salt Lake. Change planes and clear customs in Miami. Fly to Atlanta and change planes. Fly to Denver then on to SLC. Our timing, though close was adequate for relaxation. I thought.
Miami was wonderful but our time short. We cleared immigration (no sweat) then waited waited and agonized as our bags did not appear at the claim carousel (which had refused to operate). With clock ticking 45-30-15 minutes we finally collected our luggage and weaved our way over to customs for the Great Inquisition. No problems. With all the junk (especially agriculturally related) I figured hours in customs. The inspector (God bless him) only requested that we open one box of candy and with that we were on our way, dumped our stuff at the Eastern desk (I'm glad to be rid of it) and cruised out to the gate. (I have forgotten to mention how my steel-toed shoes consistently set off the metal detectors at the airport security gates. That was one other aggravation!
No problem at the gate. We were on board within minutes to spare and smoothly on our way to Atlanta. This flight too was spent consuming TABs at every opportunity and trying to troubleshoot our next plane change. But this plane, to was big (L1011) (Barbados to Miami was an A300 Airbus comfortable beautiful but the overhead racks sway ominously during taxi and the hydraulics are incredibly noisy).Oops another point forgotten. When we arrived at the gate to board our flight to Atlanta there was a HUGE line waiting. At least 150 people waiting to get boarding passes. I was amazed at two things: The patience with which the Eastern agent (only one) dispatched his job and the amicability of the boarding passengers. Everybody seemed so relaxed, happy and smiling. I may be paranoid but people in St Vincent seemed almost distant and angry in comparison. This was the surprise. Having anticipated a reverse culture shock of uptight and rush rush Americans we were pleased to find nearly the opposite. Friendly, helpful people everywhere. Perhaps it was the season (to be jolly) or just the fact that we must have been beaming like lunatics for being back in the states. Either way it was an unanticipated attitude
Between Atlanta and Denver I think we finally burnt out. We were on the final leg. Had a nice dinner did some reading but mostly stared out the blackness to watch the states slowly pass by. After an interminable wait in Denver, Deb slept on the mostly empty flight to SLC.
What a welcome site that familiar lighted checkerboard city outline was as it peaked through the clouds. The light drizzle did nothing to dampen my spirits and there is absolutely no way to describe the sight of my mom running down the connecting 'tube' to greet us. Ecstasy, relief? So much love. Hugs and kisses and smiles and more hugs and kisses and bigger smiles. And an insane level of talk. Everybody asking questions nobody listening and answering at the same time. Even Pastor Paul was there! It was a busy mob who walked down to baggage claim then out into the near freezing, wet weather outside. Lovely! glorious. After 14 months of plus 70° weather, COLD! The rain turned to snow as we drove up the benches. Mounds of it. White and invitingly cold and soft. It was so nice to be home! The three weeks at home weren't as chaotic as I had anticipated. Granted, we always seemed a step behind our plans but there were at least moments of relaxation to talk to family and friends, see a few videos and a movie (hardly any television). Mostly it was just the reveling in love that we missed so dearly in St Vincent.
Soon after arriving in SLC we took off to Boise to stay with Deb's folks. Hard to imagine driving 6 hours continuously over nicely paved (though at times slippery) roads. Open countryside and so uninhabited. Beautiful snow filled valleys. Sage, scrub desert. So unlike St Vincent. Boise was our medical depot when we took care of dental work and eyes (outrageously expensive!). Bought some stuff for other PCVs, photo processing Etc. Mostly we got things done. Deb tried as much as she could to be with family and friends. I mostly read and daydreamed. Tearful parting then back to Salt Lake the day before Christmas Eve (with some car trouble in -30 wind chill weather). Ah, it was nice to be back.
The Salt Lake visit was a bit more hectic with some people to visit, things to buy and my sister and brother-in-law with two little ones for the holidays. food food and plenty talk. I skied a day (just to say I had done it) and shoveled plenty of snow. We had good times at church, Deb saw some peers at work and talked shop, I visited the Placement Center for the inevitable plans to re-enter the US labor force next year. All said and done, we did what we wanted, saw who we wanted to see bought our essentials and relaxed when we could. I've got no complaints about it. It was a lovely time and one which I will always identify as 'coming home'.
That's not a very comprehensive sketch. but a great deal of time was spent socializing and relaxing with a fair amount of running errands.
# 17/2/84
Not exactly exciting stuff but at least we had a chance to slow down and enjoy ourselves which was exactly what we wanted. The reunion was the enjoyable exciting part the rest of the time was spent "settling in".
The return trip was a bit of an ordeal. Our plane left early so we were up early to finish packing and seeing to last-minute details. One detail we managed to overlook were our house keys and key to our lock for our bags. Seems in the rush they were left forgotten at the house, a fact not discovered until we were checking in at the airport. It was too late to go back and find them (I wasn't sure where they were) so I told Mom to look for them and told her we would call and make arrangements for them when we were laying over in Denver. Once in Denver however we couldn't reach anyone at home. And a desperate collect call to my father's office produced no information. So we boarded our flight to Miami with questions about how we would get into our house in St Vincent.
When we arrived in Miami we met a friend who happened to be flying out that same day to Barbados. He told us that Eastern might change our reservations so that we might also be able to fly out that evening with him. After loading up at the baggage claim we stumbled our way to the Eastern desk, checked our bags through to Barbados and got a standby boarding pass. Since we then had some time to kill, I decided to call home and find out the status of the great key search. Mom told me that she had found them and had persuaded a kindly Eastern agent to forward them for pickup the next morning in Miami at the passenger service desk. Great! We would be in Barbados.
We immediately sought out the Passenger Service desk and found none. But an agent said that it was probably sent via Sprint their overnight package service (we described to her what mom had told us: The SL agent had put the envelope containing the keys in a blue bag which was then placed in a box. "Yes, that sounds like Sprint" she said. So we hustled off to the Sprint office to have the keys forwarded to Barbados. "That will cost you an additional $60" said the agent. So our dilemma grew. Should we #1!) forget the keys, have Sprint return them to Salt Lake (no charge) and we would deal with breaking in when we got to St Vincent. #2) Pay the money to forward them and spend an extra night in Barbados (approx cost $130) or #3 Stay the night in Miami and get the keys in the morning. After much hemming and hawing we decided on #3 and, sans luggage, checked into a cheap hotel which remarkably gave discounts to PCVs. The next afternoon, we returned to the airport in our washed-in-the-sink look clothes and discovered, to our complete horror, that there were no packages there for us. As a last resort we decided to check baggage claim for a box with our name on it. Voila! There was a box as big as a suitcase which had our name on it. Inside the box was a sleeping bag size sack and inside of that was a large envelope containing a small cardboard square with keys taped to it. The errant keys had found their way!
Much relieved, we boarded our plane to Barbados, hoping our luggage hadn't disappeared (along with our new tape player). After consuming as many TABs as my over-stressed kidneys could handle we arrived back in Barbados, failed to find our luggage at overnight claim and found them quietly waiting for us undisturbed in the center of the baggage claim building. But our ordeal was just the beginning. Before leaving St Vincent I had asked around to find out if there was a cheap guest house in Barbados near the airport and was told of one about a ½ mile from Grantley Adams that ran something like $8 US a night was called the Shalamar or something like that. So Deb and I had counted on staying there when we arrived. After repeated questioning of the Bajan taxi drivers we determined it was the Shan-lon. We so we packed our many bundles into the cab and rode the 1/2 mile to the Shan-lon. The rate was nowhere close to $8 US. It was $37.50 US. Much too much so we stuffed ourselves into the cab and returned to the airport for an overnight stay. The cab driver insisted that the fare was $24 B-dos $12 to the Shan-lon and $12 back, outrageous! I paid him $17 Barbados (still way too much) and we settled into a long night of fitful sleep in a drafty terminal (noisy too). Fortunately we were able to get an early flight out to St Vincent but not until after LIAT squeezed us for 20 kg of overweight luggage (which I had weighed in Salt Lake - 10 kg over) LIAT has some very company favorable scales! Anyway we managed to get us and our baggage back to St Vincent and were we ever glad to be back home! Some 9,000 miles of travel behind us, we opened the door to our house (thank goodness), dropped our bags, caught a shower and drifted off for our first real sleep in 48 hours.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/SYpimage.png)
**Our cottage, sea-porch side (and a beautiful woman as well...)**
# Back to "Home"
Getting back to St. Vincent and heading into our last year as PCV's
# 21/2/1984
January flew by and I'm still picking up the pieces. The most notable experience was our trip over to Bequia. Deb had contacted a young woman over there who was involved in a handicapped development project with her boyfriend. Before we left for our state-side visit, we had made plans to visit them at the end of January. We actually made a weekend of the whole thing going over on Saturday and returning on Wednesday. It was a good visit. Deb had a chance to contribute by working with the folks (mostly kids) who hadn't had a physio to work with them. She also trained some of the mothers and helpers to do some of the exercises themselves. She felt pretty good about it. I just took it easy and followed along (comes naturally). A lot of interesting possibilities emerged from the visit. There is a Catholic priest there (visiting from Boston) who is interested in doing development work in the Grenadines specifically. He "proposed" a team of Debbie (physiotherapist), myself business and employment consultant), a social worker and himself to work on the team. It would have to be externally funded and nothing since has been said about it. Joanie and Michael, the couple doing handicap development work, had a similar idea utilizing Deb and I in similar capacities and living on a boat traveling the Grenadines. Both are rather exotic and a long shot job possibilities but I don't expect any "hard" offers to come out of it. But it's nice to think about it as a possibility.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/FAAimage.png)
**Bequia Handicapped Programme (BHP) - Debbie with Curt**
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/Junimage.png)
**Debbie works with volunteer and Curt at Bequia Handicap Programme**
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/iH3image.png)
**Some kids had fairly serious deformities (BHP)**
We're also trying to get a coffee urn donated from one of our back home churches because Joanie wants to get a dockside coffee and donut stand going to generate income for her project. Haven't heard a reply to that proposal yet. We're burdening everybody lately.
The next big event was my transfer to Mktg Corp. Yes, I am finally here and busy! Too busy right now in fact. I've been collecting Market data every week and now I am in the final stages of typing up our monthly report. I'm going to be hard-pressed to get everything done this month. Then, next month (around the end of March) I'll be going to Barbados to work with the BASIS team there to try to work out a strategy for the future of the Unit here. I've already applied for a PCV to replace me (in,alas, December!) so it looks that the unit May indeed be a real entity before I leave. USAID has proposed $20,000 USD for the unit (I could use it now).
As for the other activities a trip up to fancy, a few dinner parties and a phone call from home but not much mail). The year has started with a Bang!
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/jetimage.png)
**Jeep trip to Fancy and Owia with other PCV's and ExPats**
# 2/3/1984
The pace is insane. How could it be that one year ago I was languishing in finance. Work has become unbelievable! The unit is progressing nicely. I'm still not doing everything that needs to be done but it is coming along. I hope to add wholesale info this month (if I can catch up) and change the lines of distribution so that the right people get the right information. The chaos stems from having to collect the info myself. I need to be in three places at once and at the same time write reports and distribute them. But it is coming along. The hectic pace may diminish by May.
At the Vincentian homefront I was involved in my first (and only, hopefully) confrontation with a racist and drunk Vincentian. It's a long story but the essentials are that I had found a goat tethered in my yard within chewing range of one of my orange trees. I finally found the guy and asked him if he could tether it away from the trees and he kindly obliged. Unfortunately, some of his drunken friends saw me talk to him and took offense that a white ex-pat would tell of Vincentian what to do on Vincentian soil. So one of them decided to come over and punch me out. He hit me in the chest then went on to tell me how he could bust my head and knock it off and, to tell me he didn't appreciate me telling Vincentians what to do. He went on and on. Oppression, slavery, white imperialism, it was all there. Finally he left. I was scared. I still am. But I filed a police report, just in case he continues to harass me. It's left me a bit jumpy.
To make things worse Liz's rape case was dropped due to lack of evidence (even before it was heard). So I get this sinking feeling that nobody here is looking out for us.
Travel plans? Looks like Barbados at the end of this month. Trinidad in June. And off to Europe August 30th until September 27th.
Whew! I got to keep up with this thing. Otherwise I'm going to exhaust myself squeezing past events onto paper.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/lZfimage.png)
**The big yard and fruit trees at our cottage attracted many...**
# 6/3/1984
A whole new section and I realize with only 9 months left, I've got a lot of writing to do to fill this journal. funny I still go back mentally and remember those first few entries. So naive, so idealistic. And all the experiences in between. The hurt, the tears the total confusion. Ambiguity says it all. The whole process is always one of becoming. But becoming what is the big question. My views and dislikes of Peace Corps constantly evolve from frustration to figuring it out with lots of fear in between. Toughest job you'll ever love? I doubt it. PC is constantly pushing you beyond the point of where you feel safe. Pushing you into situations you'd rather not deal with. I don't exactly like being pushed all the time and so far. It would be much easier if you could seize control at some point but, no. You always end up in the ‘danger zone’ and frantically search for a safe spot. I think that's why I'm constantly planning for safety, mostly in terms of returning to the USA. But it hasn't been bad. Bad in the sense that I regret time spent here. There were ‘bad’ times but I seemed to have grown through them. But mostly, I've been pushed to become more mature and self-reliant. Probably have done the same in the states, just would have taken longer.
I don't write so much of people here either. Mostly me and Deb. Whether that indicates a lack of knowing Vincentians or just emphasizes where the emphasis has always been, I don't know. I wish I were better at writing about the local characters. There are plenty of them. Standouts in an American crowd, but such a part of the local mix that it hardly seems noteworthy. The drunk yardman and ambulance drivers who weave through the hospital grounds. The homeless in town that are constantly camped out on various doorsteps. The beggars who regularly hit you up with a “gimme dollar”. The total space outs who wander the streets talking, shouting and singing to imaginary audiences. The blind flute player who has his usual spots to play for change and who, by the way, has invested his ‘small change’ into several large real estate holdings. These folks and normal Vincentian; children, rostas and businessmen make up that peculiar mix called Vincentian society. How can you possibly put it into words? I wish this could be like “Living Poor” the book by an Ecuadorian PCV that we read prior to joining. His ability to describe that life in detail was hoped to be my model. Instead, it just put me and Deb trying to make sense out of senselessness and bring order out of chaos. When I write the final chapter of this story, probably after reading it in the quiet and cold solitude of our home back in the USA, it will be interesting to see what sense, if any, I make out of the whole thing. Gads, up to this point, I still have unsettled feelings.
Back to ‘real time’. No further hassles with my assailant who did, in fact, turn out to be Bob Scott, owner of our beloved Ambassadors club and the singer of “Give me the strong rum”. I'm thankful for that, but can't help feel anxious as I approach our home in Edinboro. That event cast shadows everywhere.
The M.I.U. progresses nicely. Still beyond my expectations at this point but A-OK all the same. TONS still to be done and I just need to remain energetic and determined to see it through. I'll be going to B-DOS on March 26th to spend a week with the BASIS crew and get the basics of their units operation. Embassy plane, too! Should be a nice ride. I do worry about leaving Deb for so long will have to arrange for someone to stay.
I've got travel on the brain. We’ll be in Trinidad the weekend of June 24th just before St V's Carnival and arrival of new PCVs (hopefully Deb's replacement too). A good 3 months away but after that, the time will fly by anyway so, for me, it's not too soon to plan. Trip to Europe still on course for August 30th and 2,000 francs are on their way to Martinique to secure our flight on Nouvelle Frontiere. I'll be buying more foreign exchange with dollar falling as it is…
Homefront SLC - Dad has been demoted but may be promoted due to death of one replacement and quit of another. Holly is, amazingly, pregnant and word is everything is A-OK. Deb's brother and sister in law had a girl (Katrina) and we're awaiting news of other newborn from Deb's sister (reads like a population explosion doesn't it?)
I'm okay. Tired lately, bad acne continues to scar my back (it doesn't like tropical heat). Deb's fine too but terribly overworked and almost tearful over spreading herself so thin in a situation that constantly demands more than one person can possibly handle. She's looking forward to July… ENOUGH!
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/pmuimage.png)
**My one and only time on a U.S. Gov't plane. Peppered with questions about the local elections the entire time.**
# 12/3/84
Not much on today - at least not much that is pressing. I do need to get a list of to-do's together and start chiseling away at them. Today I spent most of my time futsing around. I left my office key at home so spent AM running around PC office and Bounty. Finally wandered into my office at 2:30 p.m. after taking care of odds and ends. Trying to get travel arrangements set with LIAT for trip to Trinidad in June. Hassle is that the ordination occurs on the first day of St V Carnival so getting in to St V is impossible. Waitlisted on return just now. We'll see how it goes... additional travel info on Deb. She'll be going to St Lucia on May 6th -13th for Partners/P.C. program in rehabilitation. Should be good for her. so we both see some business travel in near future.
Did I ever mention the classes I am tutoring? Psych and Econ (with Richard). I really enjoy it. It's a correspondent study course sponsored by University of Waterloo Canada. It's forcing me to learn my P's and Q's.
Not much else but I'm striving for regular journal writing so...
# 20/3/84
Another typical Tuesday. Running errands and chasing down odds and ends. Monday and Tuesdays are usually slow. I brace myself for the business of Wednesday and Thursday. Not a lot to do immediately. I talked with Jerry Hildebrand from IVS, they will be bringing in a marketing specialist to assist ORD with a long-term project. He was just checking to see if it would overlap with my efforts at the MIU, it won't. The specialist would mostly be concerned with external markets and exports. I can use him but it won't duplicate my efforts. I've been concentrating on local market information. Been giving re-organization a thought or two. I may suggest a move to MTA in a few months. The information unit and statistical unit could easily be combined under the heading of marketing intelligence. The info unit is already closely involved in disseminating the information I collect. The two statistical field officers are underutilized and could be used to collect the market information I collect. In all it would be a good move if I can work out the politics of it. That way, I could move into the background and get the locals more involved in it. The PC replacement could possibly help to continue the project and maybe work on specific weak points in data collection.
All this points to when the replacement will arrive. I got more information on that today. The EC38's will be here on November 3rd until November 16th for 2 weeks of on-island training. I will orient him/her then which means we could early COS on November 17th. Deb's work will be finished in August when her replacement arrives so we could presumably leave then around November 17th when my loose ends are tied up. It would be nice in that we could visit Deb's brother and sister-in-law (and children) and get to Illinois for Thanksgiving. A few days later we could be in Utah and spend a few weeks there before going to Boise for Christmas. It would ease our pre-Christmas travel a bit and allow us time to get settled in before the Christmas rush. Nice idea but time, as always, will tell.
Plans are still in place to go to Barbados next Monday. some ambiguity surrounds the use of the embassy plane but I hope to have that worked out by Friday. I feel uncomfortable in leaving Deb alone but I guess I'll have to trust God to look after her safely.
Phone call from home should be coming in this Sunday. it will be nice to catch up with all the latest in the Helgren household.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/AfZimage.png)
**SVG from the Embassy Plane**
# 3/4/84
Phone from home was nice. Everybody sounded great. Relaxed and happy. So I guess most of the stress in regard to Dad's job has been reduced. Still snowing though. Sounds like winter will never end up there. Anyway, it was very nice to talk to them all. All is well. No major hassles.
Got back from B'dos yesterday and boy is it ever nice to be back home. I managed to accomplish quite a bit in one week. The pace was leisurely and I guess we could have squeezed it all into three or four days. As it was, it was a nice "vacation" though I wished that Deb were there. Actually I'm glad it wasn't insanely paced. I'm feeling tired as it is with all the travel.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/pRBimage.png)
**Coconuts**
# 11/4/84
Just got back from another trip. this time to Bequia. Seems I've been traveling a lot lately and there is more to come. Ron wants Deb to go down to Canouan and Mayreau later this month or early next. The Grenadines are in great need of some attention and Deb has been a favorite choice to go help. For her, it's a chance to establish the protocol for the next physio to follow which would add some variety to a regular 9 to 5:00 job (or 8:00 to 4:00). It gives us both a chance to get a change of pace in to our usual routines. It does keep us jumping and I'm not so sure we need all this variety, sometimes. Could have used it last year.
The coffee and donut stand for the Bequia Handicapped Committee is struggling and I'm feeling a bit guilty for obtaining the donation of the coffee urn from Zion Lutheran. Not that it's going to waste, rather it may have been better to have things start smaller. I figured Joanie and Michael had done more homework on it. I hope it survives because it is a good idea and a good cause. Will check on it next in May. Deb and I are talking about the possibility of an additional trip. This time to South America after COS. The Bienamens seemed to have enjoyed their stay and since Deb and I speak a bit of Spanish, it wouldn't be too difficult to get around. Money, of course is a barrier so we'll have to see how much Dick and Ann spent while there. Could catch an Eastern flight up from Trinidad to Miami, so the return trip would go directly to the US and fit nicely into our visiting schedule before Christmas. There is always a chance.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/Rabimage.png)
**Whaleboat blessing in Bequia**
I got a letter from Dad today. I find it interesting that he is considering his retirement in the same way I am looking at the "what now?" question of employment once we return stateside. Beginnings and endings. It doesn't sound like he is as enthusiastic about his job as he was prior to the recent hassles. I'm amazed at the treatment he is receiving after nearly 30 years of service to Morton Salt. It sobers me to think of corporate indifference after a year and a half of dealing with this Peace Corps "adventure" where I'm used to enthusiasm or hostility but never indifference. Could I survive the corporate melting pot? What should I do and how am I to find meaningful work? Gads, I keep procrastinating on taking some positive steps in looking for work. The deadline is approaching. I've got to start making some decisions. But with my current job so involving and demanding it's hard to look ahead. The unit is doing well. Thriving actually. I now have a long list of to-do's to finish. Some of them are not very inviting but need to be done. Still studying the possibility of a move to MTA combining or utilizing the info and stats units. Another big item on the agenda.
# 13/4/84
A quiet Friday the 13th. Haven't accomplished much, but quite frankly, I didn't feel I needed to. Yeah, there's still plenty to do but my Thursdays drain me so I "cruise" on Friday. I'll get back to it all on Monday. It will all still be there, waiting for me.
Back to the insanity of planning far into the future. I was checking out prices on flights today. Mostly our return to the United States via Venezuela. Dick and Ann made such an impression on us that we have decided to try to include it after our C.O.S on our way to the states which adds about 3000 EC dollars to our savings need. But it looks like we'll make it. Nice thing is that we pick up Eastern's Unlimited Mileage in Trinidad so it keeps our total travel bill low.
I also checked out Eastern's fares because Deb's folks were thinking about coming down. Quoted $790 US which seems quite high. We were quoted $649 on the unlimited deal. But I guess you have to add on the Boise to Salt Lake and BGI-SUD legs to get the total picture. Still, it seems a lot of money. It will be interesting to see what comes of it. Thoughts, of course, return to home once again. I wonder what will become of us? What will we be doing? Where will we be living? The questions start to coming in a torrent, forcing me to face a more ambiguous future than just the scheduling of flights home. Oh well, reality always beckons in this paradisal isle.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/Lknimage.png)
# 30/4/84
Talk about constant changes, planning and ambiguity. Just when it seems we get a handle on the future, the rules change. Found out two things last week that kind of (or could) mash up all of our well-thought-out plans. First, P.C. is firm in it's policy about travel during the last 3 months of service. That is, no vacation leave will be granted during the last 3 months. Which casts doubts that we will ever get to Europe this year. Plus it would cost us another 400 French Francs ~ 140 EC dollars to change our itinerary if an alternate date is available. Otherwise we "eat" the 400 Francs and cancel the whole thing. But that's not all. Seems as though P.C. is having trouble filling its requests for the summer program. Looks as though Deb won't get a replacement this time around. Which brings up the possibility of extending - a very real possibility. How long? P.C. may concede a few months or may only offer a one-year option. The surprise is that we may do it. In fact we decided to extend if it's offered. Frankly, I can't quite believe it. After counting the days until COS for so long we now think of prolonging our "agony" for up to 13 months longer. The one year option is preferable for practical reasons. First we could go to Europe as we planned Sept 13th - Oct 11th because our COS date would be Jan 15th 1986. Second, we would get a free 30-day holiday in the states and could spend that month over Christmas to be with our families.
Why extend? Gads I wish I knew how to answer that. About a month after we arrived, Deb and I were talking about why people extend and we figured that since they had lived through 20 months of PC life, another year would look like a "cake walk". I told Deb "Well, if I ever start talking about extending, shoot me!". Perhaps I should be shot. The biggest reason for extending is that somewhere over the last 4 months we moved from making good on a commitment, to being committed. We agreed with P.C. to remain 2 years and over the last 18 months have struggled and sweated to live up to that commitment as difficult as that has been. But, along the way we moved our commitment from P.C. to St Vincent or rather to the people we work with. Now that's a personal commitment rather than a contractual one. Frankly, saying goodbye to PC is a lot easier than saying goodbye to our friends here in St.V. Deb especially wants to avoid vacating her physio assignment with no one to fill her shoes. That takes the rationality out of why she was here. My job is more flexible. Whether I'm here or not will not affect it much since I plan to hand over the operation of this thing soon if we are going to leave in December.
Of course there are drawbacks. I guess I should have sold my truck, rather than leave it to depreciate with my brother, but that's a financial decision and I'd be hard-pressed to hang a price tag on alternatives. Second is in "starting a family" which, of course, could wait a year. Mostly we just miss our family and friends who seem to be drifting away as time goes on. We miss the states too, but that's getting tougher to qualify. "First world" living is an option always ahead of us. So now, we wait and see what twists and turns will develop. Van is going to Antigua next week for a staff/COS/training meeting and will come back with more information about Deb's replacement and our options. As for our Europeans. I appealed the policy to P.C. Barbados and although I think they will throw it back to me, parroting "The Book" they might just let us go. We'll just have to see.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/15nimage.png)
**Our cottage is on the right, between the Ambassors club (far right) and Mrs. Douyon (just about the middle-two story house) Our cottage is obscured by the trees.**
# 8/5/84
Well, tings is still in de air. An impromptu meeting with Van didn't solve our problem and may have opened a "door". Seems the EC-32's scheduled to go to Antigua on Sunday ran into some problems with the same no travel policy that I had. Now, the fact that they are traveling to a C.O.S conference makes little difference. Fact is that many folks wanted to add on a few days here and there to visit other islands. A strict interpretation would indicate that this is a contravening of policy. A more liberal interpretation would allow PCV's to travel on for a few additional days since they were traveling anyway. A couple of problems arise from that, however. First, assuming the 3-month no travel policy was established for reasons such as finishing up your work, being professional, etc why schedule a C.O.S Conference during the last 3 months if it is so important that PCV's remain on island. Second, even allowing for a "special case" situation like C.O.S. why allow holiday leave for a few days before or after it? What makes a "few" different from a week or a month? So, it's all conflicting and ambiguous. Van made a tentative ruling that since we were brought in under one policy we should remain under it. Hence, he said no travel during the last 60 days which makes October 16th our deadline and our Nouvelle Frontiere reservations are okay. We'll just have to see. Hedging, I also booked on Caribbean Airways for August 18th through September 15th but that would cost us $1,040 EC more…
Deb is gone and I'm feeling empty when I'm at home. I sure do miss her. She is in St Lucia at a Partners / Peace Corps conference for the whole week. I'm not real keen on being a bachelor. Had a nice phone call from my folks on Sunday. Todd has repaired the truck, passed inspection and is going to have it repainted. He was also chosen for a management training program for Mervyn's which puts him over at Valley Fair Mall. I'm sure he is glad to have the truck.
Holly and Jeff will move into a house just a few doors away from our old house on Garfield. It gets me anxious to have my own house again. There is a certain amount of permanence to that. Deb's sister and brother-in-law might also purchase a house in Horseshoe Bend, ID. Everybody is settling down and Deb and I here are in such turmoil. I wonder if we'll ever settle down again. Mom and Dad are fine. Dad told me that we don't owe Uncle Sam anything so that's nice. Mom sounds great and is still plugging away at real estate. The lake keeps rising and is worrying everybody. Hope they build the ark in time.
[](https://pcvbook.helgren.com/uploads/images/gallery/2026-01/f2Qimage.png)
**Debbie and Judith Skinner, her assistant at Kingstown General Hospital**
# The Beginning of the End
# 29/5/84
3 weeks plus have passed. Life here has taken on an incredible pace. Especially the past two weeks. Seems like I'm keeping up with nothing as of late. Deb had a rewarding trip to St Lucia. The conference made her question her orientation to health care. The guest speaker was David Warner who wrote "Where there is no doctor". Basically, it's a community-based approach to healthcare. The community health team receives trainings in assessing healthcare problems and how to go about solving them. Most of the health needs are met by the team. A doctor is rarely consulted. As risky as it sounds, it's a quite successful approach and builds community cohesiveness and self-reliance. Deb wonders if she has made the position of physiotherapist indispensable in that she does all the work rather than training the staff & patients to care for themselves. Actually, it's not quite that one-sided. She does train the staff and patients to care for themselves but it's difficult to dispel the mystique of the trained medical person. Actually, the program should be "working-with" oriented rather than "working-for". She's now redoubling her efforts to dispel the notion that only a physio can do it. The opportunity exists too, to pass that orientation on to the next physio.
Is there a next physio? Well, it seems so but nothing in the P.C. is for certain. Seems there is a physio coming in for July 1st training and Van is trying to get him/her to come to St Vincent to follow in Deb's footsteps. That would relieve a lot of our extension anxieties and simplify our year-end plans. Just about 2 years(!) ago we began this bizarre & convoluted journey and now we begin to plan for our re-entry into the U.S. life. I'm becoming anxious, for there is still much to do here to prepare for our departure and handing over the job as well as beginning to make outright plans to find work stateside. Development work gets into your blood. Now that the initial agony of settling in has passed. Now that we are comfortable and have made some tangible progress. Now that the opportunity for some real long-term progress has arisen. Now it's time to think of returning to "home". Our consciences are beginning to bother us. Our lives are part of St Vincent. St Vincent is a very large part of our lives. I begin to wonder if we can break free and not regret. Opportunities to serve God and our fellow men and women abound where once there was no hope. In some ways I'm angry for the Peace Corps doing this to us. For wrapping our lives up so completely in the "third world" that it's difficult to extract ourselves. Gads! Where did the change occur? I was so anxious to be rid of this place. Now, I'm anxious about leaving it. As for our travel plans. We got the special dispensation from P.C. and will be going to Europe in September and October. I'm even second-guessing that! The pressure will be off Debbie if her replacement comes but I need to think hard of continuing the unit. Our vacation will make this fall incredibly busy and I think I'll be wanting a slower pace to reflect and plan. We'll get back a mere 5 weeks (maybe less) before our C.O.S. conference. If we early C.O.S. the pace will be terrifying. On the other hand, we will have a chance to see old friends and experience new cultures and scenery. It will be the trip of a lifetime. I'm hoping that all things will go well, smoothly and will come back (to the U.S.) with an incredibly two-year experience that will shape our lives and bring us closer to the reality in the world. That will, I trust, ripple out and change the way others think, too.
Deb's brother was married Sunday. A reminder of family events we have missed in the states. It reminds us of how much we love and miss our families and adds a positive aspect to our return. Still, we do need to find a balance there somewhere. Find a way to satisfy our needs to be with our families and still serve those who need us. And that need is great on both sides.
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**"Home" - Kingstown Harbour**
# New Page
# 15/6/84
It's been a busy two weeks. The ‘usual' but also I've been occupied with computerizing our data at the M.I.U. The reason for the computerization is that I'm trying to make the operation of the unit as simple as possible. The programs I'm writing make it easy to enter the data. Then the program will take care of the rest. It will also keep the data in a manageable form and easy to access. Hopefully, it will make things easier…. Lots of correspondence from home. Deb's side has been sending wedding pictures and descriptions of their big event. Mom and Dad Hein might even come visit in October. My side has been keeping us posted on my sister's progress into pregnancy and also kept us up to date on Mindy's father-in-law. Overall, lots of talk about our return to the states as we finish this 2-year odyssey (or oddity). Lots of plans need to be made yet, but it's still too far into the future for anything other than speculation.
Along the same line, we found out that Deb is getting a replacement. What a surprise! Therefore, our agonizing over an extension possibility is now moot. We already wrote to Irene Tarach (a Chicagoan) and she should be arriving in St Vincent on July 21st if I have my dates correct. This young lady is an ‘83 grad. I didn't catch where she has been working. Deb's initial excitement has changed to anxiety because now she wants everything ‘ready’ for Irene's arrival. [We’ll be painting the physio dept. over Carnival weekend]. That arrival will signal the beginning of the end for us and once again we're forced to confront our destiny. I don't know where we'll go or what we will do. All I know is that we have to somehow try to transfer our ‘education’ in this place to something ‘real’ in the states.Jjust as we had to transfer our U.S. culture into a Vincentian situation. The challenge is to scale up our experience here and make the changes in ourselves (which might be temporary if only tied to St. V) into lasting ones. I'm certainly more militant in that I see U.S. foreign policy as completely misguided and much too militaristic (precipitated by the Grenada situation and fixed by Mr Reagan's military aid to St Vincent in the form of guns, ammunition and training which, by the way is being used against the population and fast turning St Vincent into a fascist state). (see I told you I was militant). But I'm equally determined to use myself as a humanizing force in America. That will be ‘small scale’, certainly. but I now am clearly aware of how dehumanizing a lot of what we do can be. Gads, it's much too convoluted and lengthy to go into now. But we as Americans tend to ignore the basic rights of being human i.e. self Self-determination, self-sufficiency, etc. We want too many things our way or not at all. I'm going to try to be open to other avenues.
Next week we go to Grenada and Trinidad which should be interesting as well as (hopefully) restful. It puts a crimp in my schedule but I think I'll be able to get out my monthly report before the Carnival weekend cranks up.
I was almost afraid to look at the date of the last entry. It's been nearly a month now. I'm losing control of this journal. It is impossible to adequately relate the past months events and that is my fear and the defeat of the purpose of this journal. Hopefully, I'll be able to do a better job in the future. But, the ‘race to the finish’ has already begun and right now I'm lagging the pack….
Trinidad and Grenada were good experiences for us. Grenada was a pleasant surprise. We pulled into Pearls at the marvelous hour of 7:00 a.m. The airport buildings reminded me a bit of Canefield in Dominica: small wooden buildings with galvanized roofs and a ‘well-worn’ look. This is the place the U.S. first invaded, but it shows little signs of being molested. There is an ‘Air Cubana’ plane on the tarmac and a small biplane from Russia. If that is Soviet air supremacy, we have nothing to worry about. Leftovers from the golden days of the revolution. We cooled out there, waiting for the sisters who were to take us into St George's (connected through the sisters in St Vincent). The sisters did show up but we're only going as far as Grenville - about 10 minutes away. Since it was a national holiday (Corpus Christi) we couldn't find cheap, local van transport into St George's so we finally took a cab to the tune of $50. But at least we got into town.The sisters at the convent in St George's were wonderful. They showed us to a spacious but spartan room, got us a bit of morning tea and whisked us out on a tour of the south and end of the island. We saw the more affluent areas built up under Gairy then mostly abandoned during Bishops reign. We also saw the well-bombed-out remains of the Cuban training camp at Calivygny where I did some shell collecting (gun shells…). We also saw some impoverished areas, the Cuban workers barracks, an asphalt plant and an impoverished American barracks (they occupy the two best hotels on the island). Then they took us back, fed us again and gave us a siesta. That afternoon we participated in the Corpus Christi procession with the Anglicans and had a casual after-procession cocktail hour with the sisters. Then off to bed.
Next day we scrounged up the PCV’s on the island as well as paid a visit to the hospital so Deb could meet the physiotherapist and check out the facilities. We found two PCV’s at the Ministry of Agriculture, who I had wanted to make contact with, and ran into a third on our way to lunch. Much talk about the current ‘Grenada situation’ and being PCV’s in general. It was nice talking to our counterparts there. Gave a sense of continuity to the whole thing. That afternoon we caught a ride down to Grand Anse beach. A beautiful stretch of beach marred only by the barbed wire enclosed hotels that the soldiers occupy with sandbag gun placements ‘protecting’ the place. We walked down to the medical school ‘true blue’ campus. Buildings spattered by hastily plastered up bullet holes. That was enough for one brief visit to Grenada. The most impressive thing was the people. Warm, friendly and none of the ‘Gimme dollah’ obsession of Vincentian street people.
The next day took us to Trinidad, a mind-blowing change of pace. Like flying into New York (from our East Caribbean point of view). Cars, cars, cars. Big buildings, high rises and affluent living. We toured the Northwest end on several occasions seeing much beautiful greenery and topography. But what I remember the most was the horrendous traffic. We stayed at a very nice condo owned by Ron's late grandfather. And Ron's ordination was beautiful and moving too. I had a chance to check on some info at IBM and a Gestetner dealer and we spent a long hour filling out visa forms for some Vincentian who who needed visas for India. With business out of the way, we just kicked back and enjoyed it. Then suddenly, it was back to St Vincent.
St Vincent was abuzz with Carnival and election happenings. This made it very difficult for me to get on with work and the June report was still unfinished at week's end. Saturday was spent painting the physiotherapy dept ceiling as we prepared for the arrival of the new physio coming in on the 21st of July. We "jumped" on Monday with the National Commercial Bank and spent a long Tuesday afternoon watching the bands parade across the stage. Many beautiful costumes this year, much better than last. Enjoyed watching and participating in our last Carnival.
Weds, the 4th of July, we had some Edinboroites over for our real American food. Hot dogs and apple pie. It was a very enjoyable evening. Again, with thoughts of it being our last in St Vincent. The following weekend we rested, trying to catch up on odds and ends and preparing for our every six week pilgrimage to Bequia. So Monday we went over to Bequia, spending a night at Keegan's and a night at the Catholic Presbytery with Mary Keogh (who was over for the BHC meeting). I spent the rest of the week trying to catch up on work that had piled up from our Trinidad holiday and Carnival and succeeded in getting it together by Friday. Saturday (14th) we returned to the physio dept to paint walls and Sunday spent with trim. Which just about brings me up to date.
The new physio has arrived on island and we had a chance to talk briefly at the airport. Next week she should get oriented to the hospital (Deb is anxious for her to see it). I'm going to Barbados for a quick two-day, one night business trip to share experiences with new PCV’s in the M.I.U, business. I'm feeling rushed now. Like the clock is started spinning out of control and the calendar flying. Rushing headlong into C.O.S. in December, just 4 1/2 months away. Many, many items to settle yet. We still have to put the finishing touches on our Europe plans which I'm now having mixed feelings about but, once made I should be able to relax and enjoy.My request for a motorcycle has been denied on budgetary grounds which pretty much pulls out the rug on future plans to expand the unit. I'll try to broaden my scope but with only one person to run things, and no transportation for another anyway, things will probably not go much further until the new PCV arrives in November. I'm okay with that but a bit worried about someone filling in while on holiday in Sept-Oct. I guess I'll have to deal with that as it comes.
Looks like these entries will get fewer and farther between. Time is passing so quickly, change coming so rapidly, that I can hardly keep up…..Elections last proved a great surprise. There is a new government now. The NDP took 9 of 13 seats which means a new set of ministers (yet to be announced) and a subsequent reorganization of most ministries, departments and statutory bodies. Nothing looking solid yet. One of the NDP’s promises was to reorganize the Marketing corp. But how and when that will happen is anyone's guess. Once again I'm in limbo, looking at a very uncertain future. Work still goes ahead, moving very quickly but how will it change?....
The election came in on the winds of tropical storm Arthur which delayed my leaving for Barbados on Thursday morning. That was a quick trip filled with last minute meetings and errands that left me exhausted and glad to be home. Busy with many things now. A report to write for July, letters of thank you for the Barbados group who brought me over. Plans for Europe to complete. Plans to be made for our return to the states just 17 weeks away! Checked on Eastern's unlimited cost $596 us from St Vincent. Not bad at all and good news for potential visitors. That is firm. Todd however would have to pay $696 since he is traveling alone. Too much perhaps for him. So what's next? Gads, I need to take care of just the most pressing things at the instant once caught up, I can deal with the future.
There is a bizarre array of details to clear up which will accelerate time as the end of our service draws near. Phone call from home was great! It's always good to hear voices and get caught up with the most vital runnings at home - often forgotten in the rush to write an interesting letter. Back to back parties on Sunday, brunch at Doreen's (Sheila's sister) and a PC welcome party for the new trainees. Time flieth!'
August already. Time flieth for sure. Pete and Alan from Dominica rolled in on Saturday. They were supposed to arrive Thursday evening but didn't show. So I returned to the airport on Friday, but still no show. Friday night we went to Dick Henley's for some chili and to watch a movie “Raiders”. In fact it was quite a gathering: Dick and Anne Beinamen, Deb & I, Mary, Nancy, and Forest and Curt Hendricks and Mark, a USAID guy here to meet the conditions precedent for the AG Dev programme. We all got together for chili misc. other food items. A nice time. Except for the fact that I managed to dig up a cold or flu bug on Thurs night (I still have it). Well, Saturday Doreen comes over to tell us we have a call from someone in Dominica. Sure enough it was Pete & Alan at the airport needing directions to our house (they had never got the letter). About an hour later they showed up. And they've stayed these 3 days. It disrupted our schedule but it was nice to have them. Gives us a trial run on playing hosts to visitors.
During the weekend, Deb and I began to speculate about how best to organize our last weeks here. I was toying with the idea of staying with Dick Henley, maybe starting as early as the 8th of September so we could clean up and lock up Mrs Douyon's house and not have to bother with concern about it during our holiday, or last minute tidy up when we left on December 13th. Deb thinks a good compromise would be the 3rd of November. Maybe so. We need to talk to Dick. It would simplify our lives a bit.
Letter written to Westam but now no address so I'll have to write Mom and have her send it. Excitement and anxiety now. Things are moving fast.