27/7/83

Still fighting but more in terms of boredom than anything else. The fact is, as it always is, that I suppose I could find something to do, yet I don't want to get involved with a project just to leave it next week while we are in St Lucia. The conference should be a good one and may well rejuvenate my flagging motivation. Many possibilities exist. In fact the possibility that I could change jobs completely and go into something dealing with marketing in agriculture. I also want to do some research in a couple of areas and I already sent out some letters, both stateside and in the region, seeking information and guidance. I'll just have to sit tight for a while and see what comes of it.

Having a lot of free time has allowed my mind to wander far afield. Mostly I've been back in the states. Imagining what I'll do when I return (job wise). Where will live or when we'll start having children.  Memories of my own childhood have romped joyously through the summertime activities engaged in so long ago. Looking back, the experiences were so pristine and uncomplicated. Certainly more wondrous and delicious. Even my “heart breaking” adolescence is seen in a pure, naïve, puppy love light. Those glorious rushes of emotion that pass over me like sunlight through the clouds. The spine tingling sensation of being so free and unfettered by responsibilities. And those summer smells! The rich, earthy smell of that arose as the sun baked off the morning dew. The music of bird's twittering and singing open the day.  All this and much more has returned in my memory. Then the realization of being here in St Vincent pushes through those unreal memories of long past realities. Just this suddenly, I'm back…

But my mental excursions have not been without merit. I've put a lot of realtime in stumbling through a mass of readings about development work. I'm trying to come up with some sort of consensus about my philosophy in doing development work. I'm melding the liberation theology of Freire and the Puebla document with the liberation philosophy of Galbraith and my own observations about the success & failure of development work here in St Vincent. Something that authentically liberates both in terms of spiritual and economic liberation, but also is of practical application to the nature of human beings. The “shoulds” are endless but the real question is “would?”  Would such a scheme really work? What is the reality and how can they be acted upon in a real manner?  What is the nature of man that has placed us in such a position and how can that nature be exploited (if you will) to turn around the current conditions? I don't want to invent a new strategy. I want to take an existing reality, stand it on its head if necessary, and utilize it to upgrade development here.  You can appeal to a Christian's sense of charity but what will the appeal actually yield?  You can hammer home biblically based doctrine about charity, love and authentic liberation and outgrowth of true love, but given man's inherent sinfulness, what will be the result?  Can we teach that the risk of selfless love is a small one?  Is it possible to tap man's deepest fear, that of his own mortality, and utilize that to produce a life of selfless giving to authentic liberation?  My own heart is troubled by those questions because of my own shortcomings as a Christian and development worker.  So much needs doing here.  The process of liberation and from liberation to growth will take years. Maybe decades and I am anxious to go.  Though Christ would want me to stay and give.  This is my greatest sin: that I refuse his calling to serve.  That is the whole problem with man….