Jan 20 1983

I’ve spent all day just sitting and reading. In fact, the last two weeks have been an exercise in patience. I’m extremely frustrated (perhaps, not the only time?). I know there is a great deal of work to be done but I can’t do. Mostly because Mr Gaynes has not approved the paperwork necessary to begin my data collection on the jobs here. The possibilities for what to do with the data, once obtained, are endless. However, without the completed questionnaires, I am helpless. I’m also missing the acedemic resources necessary to ‘branch out’ into other areas of interest. I’m also concerned that Mr. Gaynes will be the ‘bottleneck’ of the operation. Last, I am emotionally/psychologically having problems dealing with the cultural pressures. On one hand, I anxious to begin doing something if only to occupy my time and get the calendar moving again. On the other hand, I can withdraw and ‘hide’ from the anxiety producing confrontations that arise from day to day living in St. Vincent. I want to work, but I don’t want to. I’m frustrated in just sitting here, but I think I’d rather sit here. I could explore and go around and meet people but it’s just too “costly” to me as yet. Should I be content and patient with a slow start (which I did, in fact, anticipated) or should I leap to action in the American tradition, I swore last week that this Monday I would force myself to confront this potentially disabling situation. And yet I sit in the office and read. I make my mind up to visit and office or dept head, then forestall the commitment . It’s maddening & potentially dangerous because I can ‘feel’ depression just around the corner. I am very much afraid of becoming depressed because I know what a rapid, downward spiral that can become. The homesickness, the feeling of uselessness the cultural ‘shock’ could easily push one over the brink. I’m skirting the borders of it now. I am afraid to tell Deb about it because it’s such a flighty and transient feeling that I can’t tell whether I am becoming depressed or suffering from the psychological shock of just being here. I don’t want to alarm here (because of my previous psych problems). I’ve noticed that she has been showing more signs of the impact of this place and I don’t want to add to her burden of trying to deal with this place. She has been more negative toward work than I’ve ever known her to be. My bellyaching about my situation could only exacerbate the problem. We have pretty effectively balanced each other out emotions-wise. If we should both be ‘down’ at the same time I don’t know what would happen. So I try to hang in there. As much for my own well being as for hers.

Keith (A.T. Keith) came in from B’Dos this week and will be staying with Deb & I this weekend. A nice change of scenery and a good refresher on the B’dos crowd of E.C.33’s We’re going to Bequia on Saturday so at least we’ll have 1 Grenadine island on our list of places visited.