8/11/83
Travel on my mind. This time to Barbados. Some quick talk and pressure got me into the BAS sponsored workshop on marketing. Well, I think it got me in, I'm still not 100% certain but I could leave as early as Thursday and stay until Saturday morning. The uncertainty is in whether or not Marketing Corp will accept our MIU proposal. A lot is riding on that. Not only the trip but also the fact that my future could be more or less determined by the meeting. If the MIU is established I could be moving over in just a few weeks (or early January, most likely). If not it's back to square one job-wise and I'll be trying to generate more work for myself here in finance. Possibilities exist everywhere but my follow-through hasn't been as complete as it should be. I've become more assertive and will use that to my advantage but the going will be rough if I stay here. The system needs some shaking up. I'm not sure if I could cause the tremor, let alone an earthquake.
Mail has been spotty from the states. Mom is again asking me to come home to stay. Partly I think because of the publicized instability of the region because of Grenada. and partly because I've been bewailing my underutilization and ambiguous job situation more than I usually do. Fact is, this place does get to you from time to time (not just St V but the public service in general). I would be happier stateside I think but I feel I'm just now getting my feet wet. I'm just beginning to know my strengths and weaknesses and how to deal with them. Strangely, after 1 year of sitting, I'm now ready to dig in and stake a claim in this place. Strange, because I envisioned the time factor as against me rather than for me. That, as time went on I would be less and less able to deal with the situation. Early on it was “If this isn't better by Christmas I'll E.Tâ€. Now it's more like “I needed time to adjust and, now that I have adjusted, I'm ready to go for itâ€. I think my expectations were much too high at the outset and that I didn't fully understand the situation or my reaction to it. Now, I'm a bit more realistic as to what I can expect to accomplish and though I feel I could be more tenacious, I don't think it a personal failure totally when I don't follow through. My phone phobias and problems with “getting on with it†were real adjustment problems and though I still need to be diligent in watching my motivation level, I don't need to be quite so unraveled when I do “freezeâ€. I've got to be easier on myself while still pushing. But living in this paradox is what PC living is.
So I remain in ambiguity while still trying to make a contribution. It will be most interesting to see what the next year will bring. Nearly 13 months in the EC has taught me much, but, as in all learning, I need to learn how to learn. This is just another difficult living situation where I have to re-learn the rules. That's what has been difficult and exciting about being here. But then, talk is cheap when holidays are just 5 weeks away.
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