4/3/83

Not being totally confident about being in St Vincent I'm amazed I said that. Some things that seem revelatory are in essence a prior thought brought into full consciousness. Two days ago a team from CHP in Jamaica came to SVG to talk about prior training and get more job related material on the next group from Van K. Pearl (old friend from CHP) was one of the folks who visited. As we talked (at great length) I came to the ‘sudden’ realization that I wasn't very happy here. Fact was she asked if I thought I'd ET and I said “Yes”. She agreed and we went on to talk about the cultural things which make my satisfaction with being here so difficult to come by. When I brought up the things to Deb, she became immediately defensive and panicked. Presumably because she thought I was miserable and she thought that the only reason I was staying here was “to make her happy”. Granted, the fact that Deb is a very valuable and needed person here does indeed influence my decisions about this place. But also my need to see if I can survive and also to develop #1) a competence in HR management, and #2) some sense of whether or not this is the type of work I want to be doing. It's a personal as well as professional challenge to remain here. I do want to see it through. But I also have adjustment problems and whenever my health (mental and physical) or motivation is undermined, the first thing I think about is going home to the states. Even that is an irritation. I wish I had the maturity and flexibility to adapt to life in the EC without having those urges to run. Perhaps that is another reason I wish to stay. So I can truly feel free and independent to function away from my family friends and familiar surroundings. I guess that would be an emancipating experience. 

But this culture, or actually, the process of learning to deal with this culture tends to force one inward rather than outward. I'm feeling distant from God, who put us here. Deb has mentioned feeling distant from me and perhaps I too feel that distance. This whole experience is very upsetting (in a positive way) and perhaps that is forcing Deb and I into a process of introspection as we assimilate and acculturate to living in St Vincent. I don't know. I do know that as of right now, I'm feeling a bit alone and unhappy. A distance from God and my wife. The needed cure is perhaps prayer and talk. Talk to God, talk to my wife.